First of all, let me get something straight. I know I originally
said that I had an astrocytoma, but in the interest of accuracy, I must
correct this. The post-surgery pathology report indicated that it was
actually a Gliabolastoma or GBM for short. Don't google that shit.
Seriously. Or if you do, don't tell me what it says because it's not
good. All I need to know is: GBM = not good. (Not to be confused with a
GSM*, which is actually quite tasty.)Oh, in case you haven't figured it out yet, if you don't like dark humor, you should probably just stop reading this blog right now.
One of the things that Steven and I have started saying to each other when discussing "real life problems" - finances, scheduling, etc. is: "Hey, at least it's not brain cancer!" I think it's quite catchy. Sort of like Urkel's "Did I do that?" I'm thinking of having t-shirts made up. Or possibly a whole line of products - coffee mugs, fedoras, and mouse pads...but does anyone really use mouse pads anymore? I will have to do more research on that one.
This morning, I had an appointment at the radiologist for a CAT scan so the team (radiologist and physicists) can start planning my radiation treatments. I was told at a previous appointment that they were going to need to make a custom mask for that, but I had not processed that this was going to happen at the same time as my CAT scan. Maybe it was better that I didn't know? I saved myself some needless anxiety in the hours leading up to it?
So, let me give you a little background information to help set the stage for you: 1) I'm claustrophobic. (I needed to have atavan to make it through the MRI's in the hospital and 2) The mask resembles a medieval torture device.
This is how it went - The very, very nice man in radiation got me all situated on the CAT scan table and proceeded to tell me how he was going to heat up the very rigid plastic mesh thingy and then put it on my face. It would be "hot" but not painful. I was to breathe through my nose because my mouth would be covered. Really all of my face would covered. In it softened state, the mask would be pressed and prodded to be form fitting along every contour of my face, ears, etc. I would have my arms rest along my side or hold onto a foam ring thingy if that was more comfortable. (Yes, please! Somehow getting to actually hold something in my hands sounded like it was more grounding.)
Once the mask was formed and cooled, what I then realized was that I would be wearing the mask throughout the rest of the procedure - CAT scans without and with contrast!! Wha'!?!?! Did I mention that the mask is locked into the table so I can't move my head at all?
I struggled to keep my shit together because I knew that if I lost it this time, it would just mean doing it over again. This was a non-negotiable part of my treatment. I focused on breathing deeply, in and out, through my nose. I tried to help my brain (no pun intended) go to another place. This was all about doing whatever I have to do to get rid of the fucking cancer. Keep it together, keep it together, keep it together...
And then I started to visualize April & Coffey's little bean in my arms. Autumn Elizabeth. Pictured her sweet, little face and fuzzy newborn head cupped in my hands instead of the foam ring I held. I am doing this for Autumn. I have to do this in order to hold my sweet baby granddaughter in 4-1/2 months. A stillness came over me, and every breath was just for Autumn.
After the CAT scans were done, the radiation technologist paged the doctor to look over the film and make sure he had what he needed. If not, we would have to repeat the scans. I was soooooo relieved when he came back and told me we were good. Just a few more minutes for him to draw dots on the mask to mark the points of radiation, and I was finally free of the mask and the table.
All told, I think I spent close to an hour in the mask, locked to the table. The good news is that the radiation treatments will only be 10 - 12 minutes. Now that I have my super-power, I know I can make through.
Rawwwr!!!
*GSM = Grenache - Syrah - Mourvedre blend
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