I made a mistake last night. I "googled that shit". Specifically, I googled "brain cancer blogs" because I wanted to hear from other people who were going though the same thing as me. Many scrolls and clicks later, Steven found me in the bedroom, tears streaming down my face.
Steven: "Are you okay?"
June: barely audible "No."
Isn't there a saying about people who don't follow their own advice? I would google that shit but it doesn't seem important right now, and I'm sad.
I was careful to only click on the google leads that sounded hopeful - that didn't seem like they were about statistics and medical crap and survival rates. But the number of blogs that stopped abruptly because the writer was silenced.... And the number of blogs that had one last entry, written by a spouse or a sister or mother or father...
Telling us how wonderful these people had been...how brave they had been...how creative they had been...how admirable they been...
I was reading about people who were in the past tense.
I didn't read long.
I just closed my laptop...
and I cried.
and I fell asleep so I could stop thinking about it a little while.
But then I woke up, and I'm crying again.
I'm sorry that this blog doesn't offer any pithy, smartalecky jokes...or a picture of a cat riding a unicorn with a rainbow in the background.
But I promise that I will always be real. And this is what real feels like to me right now.
And I promise to never, EVER google that shit again.
Love, June OUTLIER Fremer Mirassou, MFBCFNW
Xoxoxo
P.S. Ninja Warriors can cry sometimes, and they don't get their certificate revoked, right?
P.P.S. And IF there should come a day when someone else has to write that one last entry for me, there better be a fucking cat riding a unicorn with a rainbow in the background. You hear me?!
P. P.P.S. But this is NOT that day, Mother Fuckers!!!
I already had a pretty full life...then I was diagnosed with (stage 4 GBM) brain cancer on September 24, 2014.That's when I discovered that I was a Ninja Warrior. #mfbcfnw
I love you so much it is beyond reckoning. It is good to say this often. A big tree could fall and crush me tomorrow. Tomorrow is a mystery.
ReplyDeleteI love you, my Almost Irish Twin! Xoxoxo!!! Looking forward to seeing you again soon!
DeleteWhat?! Do ninjas cry? Have you never read the Hunger Games? Crying is cathartic and necessary. Never hold it in. Sending heaps of love!
ReplyDeleteOh, soooo true! I think I need to reread the Hunger Games series. Like, now! Love you, too!
DeleteDon't ever google that shit again because I only want to laugh with you, not cry. But I know sometimes you just need to get it out so "Let it go" and know we're all here for you! #noonefightsalone #cancersucks #JunesMFBCFNW
ReplyDeleteBig hugs from DC!
Big hugs back at ya' from CA!!!
DeleteYes, even Mother F'n BCF Ninja Warriors are human too and if anyone tries to take your certificate, I'll personally kick their ass...with a great big smile on my face! Sometimes I'm glad we live in a world today that has information at your fingertips...sometimes I hate it. Many times I have fought NOT to look things up because I knew the gist of things and didn't need the details because I feared it would break me. But I am the type of person that NEEDS the details. I need to know what I'm facing, what the plan is and then attack full force. I have learned to try to weed through information because I didn't always know the source and how true it was. Just keep in your heart the fact that YOU are NOT them...you are a Mother F'n Brain Cancer Fighting God Damn Ninja Warrior...yes, I just added to your moniker.
ReplyDeleteSweet! MFBCFGDNW! I am honored to have you in my corner!
DeleteOh, June - that certificate is engraved, embossed, emblazoned and NEVER revoked. Much love to you from Tucson.
ReplyDeleteI'm so relieved! Now, I just have to remember to keep track of it...not like my diploma from GWU, which I misplaced and found in a packing box in my parents' attic, marked, "Misc. Shit" (True Story). I must be more careful this time...
DeleteYour certificate can't be revoked as you are the original mfbcfnw (did I get that right? )
ReplyDeletePerfect!!! Unless we officially add the God Damn as Robin (see above ^^^^^^) suggested...
DeleteJune I think it's inevitable that at some point your curiosity gets the better of you. Like you, I told my Dr. upfront that I did not want a prognosis, or any stats. She abided ......but Ultimately I did find out some stats and my prognosis. At that point I desperately wanted to find someone who had outlived those stats and beat the odds. It actually took me quite a while, but I did find two women. I was already fighting very hard and doing everything in my power to stay, otherwise healthy and strong to be able to keep up the chemo, etc. But, finding those women boosted me. It was proof that the numbers and stats are just that.....again, and I think I may have already written this, but it's worth repeating. My prognosis was 15months with treatment. I just celebrated 15 years. People do beat the odds and I believe you have the "Ninja" power to survive. Stay strong, and sometimes a good cry is a body needs!
DeleteThank you, Shelley - fellow Ninja Warrior! I needed that reminder! Hugs to you!!!!
DeleteI'm not sure my real name shows up, when you receive this. It's from Shelley Johnson, Eric's aunt. My grandkids call me Bella,
ReplyDeleteVery powerful post.
ReplyDeleteI remember boxes that smart alec movers labeled "Misc Bullshit," possibly your diploma made that one. Sometimes people fail to see how much we "treasure" our stuff.
I am thinking warm thoughts about you and your extraordinary messages. They show that your mind and spirit are fully engaged. I love the idea of you as "Outlier Ninja."
Do you recall the line from the Fantasticks - "Please God, don't let me be ordinary?" It is one of many things that remind me of you. Love, Dad
I love you, too, Dad! Xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteYour Outlier Warrior Daughter, June
No, you don't get your certificate revoked. You are allowed to cry whenever the hell you want. I once like that once, and it was also while I was absorbing way too much information. Then I read some of the book, "First You Cry," and her sniveling pissed me off enough, that I got back in the ring more determined than ever. The best books I read were by Dr. Bernie Siegel. Oh, and "Embraced by the Light," by Betty Eadie. Not sure if I really believed her story, or just believed that I believed it, just in case ;-)
ReplyDelete