I had the best post-surgery day yesterday. I only had three mild seizures during the day - one was so slight, Steven didn't even notice it was going on until I told him. What a positive change! I smiled and laughed and felt almost "normal" for brief moments in the day.
I have been in the pattern of going to bed after taking my 8 p.m. medications, but that leads to waking up in the early, early morning. I decided to try to stay up until 9 p.m. to see if it would lead to a more "normal" sleeping pattern. It was an effort, and I was so tired when I went to bed...but...unfortunately, I woke up at 2:00 a.m. anyway.
That is the worst part of the day for me. In the dark, wide awake, thinking about what might be in my future. The unspeakable fears - how long do I have left? Tears drop, but I try not to shake the bed too much and wake Steven up. This is the only rest he gets from the unrelenting worry and stress.
So, as I was lying there in bed, I had a little talk with myself. Knock it off! It does no good to focus on the fear. Whatever comes will come, regardless. Maybe it was the cheesiness of the movie "Frozen" seeping into my subconscious, but I made a determination that I'm going to spend as much time as I can focused on feeling LOVE - the deep, powerful love I have for my husband and my children and family and friends - and try to be so full up with that love that there is no room for fear.
Of course, it is natural to feel scared. And I'm not going to pretend it isn't happening. But when I feel it creeping in, I need to redirect my thoughts.
"SQUIRREL!!!"
So, basically, you are all my squirrels? Or something like that...
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