A Primer about What to Say to a Person Who has Brain Cancer

By June Mirassou — Oct 21, 2014 8:23am

In the interest of full disclosure, this blog really is only going to be a primer about what to say to ME, rather than every person who has brain cancer. I know everybody processes things differently and has different needs. (In education, they call this "differentiation," which is just a fancy way of saying that one size does NOT fit all - no matter what the Home Shopping Network says.) Besides, I truly hope that you don't need a primer for multiple people who have brain cancer because that would suck. For you and the multiple people.

That being said, I have divided this entry up into handy-dandy sections with separate headings, so you can refer to as needed. It's even alphabetized. It's either because I'm super thoughtful, or I have OCD. Which really should be spelled CDO because that's alphabetical, yes? Okay, that was a really cheap joke. Sorry! Still makes me laugh.

GREETINGS
I know it is difficult for people to know what to say to me and Steven when they see us for the first time in our current situation. Even saying, "How is it going?" or "How are you doing?" seems awkward for many of you. (FYI, It's not awkward for me at all!)
"How's it hanging?" however, is super awkward. In any situation.

I just looked up "How's it hanging" on google, and here's the entry for urbandictionary.com:

How's it hangin is a polite greeting from one man to another. "It", in the context, is the man's penis. Presumably if it's hanging well, the man is doing well.

Jerry: Hey John, how's it hangin? 
John: Long and low, Jerry, long and low! 
Jerry: that's great!

I'm trying to imagine the universe in which this is a "polite greeting" between two gentlemen. Clearly, it is not the universe in which I exist.

So, make a note to ourselves, shall we? "How's it hanging?" is a really awkward greeting for a woman who has brain cancer.
Got it? Now, let's move on...

PICTURES OF BABY ANIMALS, CUTE GIFS, SQUIRRELS, and ANYTHING ELSE THAT MAKES ME SMILE
I don't have much to say beyond that. It's all good. The Power of Pinterest is highly underrated.

PRAYERS, POSITIVE THOUGHTS/INTENTIONS, KARMA, HEALING VIBES
Whatever you call them  - keep them coming! I am so humbled by the overwhelming response from my friends and family, near and far. I hang every card/email/picture up on my wall near my bed and am wearing every token of solidarity and expression of miracles that I have received. They remind me every day that "No one fights alone!" and I have a whole army of "June's Warriors" out there supporting this Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior. I try to live every day without letting you down.

REASSURANCES
I know that it is counter-intuitive, but I don't want to hear reassurances like, "It's going to be okay." or "I have a really good feeling about this". You see, several (very well-meaning!) people said this when I started having seizures, and I believed them. Then I found out that I had brain cancer. So, it's not particularly reassuring to me when you look into your imaginary crystal ball and pronounce something like that. Unfortunately, NONE of us has the power to predict my future. Don't get me wrong. I'm thinking good thoughts and appreciate the positive intentions. But I'm really trying to stay in the present because looking into the future makes me crazy, and I cry a lot

SYMPATHY
Speaking of sympathy...It's soooo sweet to hear expressions like "I'm sorry that you're going through this, " and "This really sucks". Both are appropriate and appreciated. Also, it's totally appropriate to cry sometimes - and I will probably cry with you. Wailing and beating your chest might be overdoing it.

</rant on> One thing that I definitely don't want to hear is anything about someone you knew that had brain cancer and fucking DIED! I know that is one possible outcome of this whole thing, but let's just say that is not something that I would like inserted in my thoughts.


Some of you are probably thinking to yourself, "No one would possibly really do that..." but they do. I don't have any explanation. Just...WTF????


Oh, and Technology Hint: Even if your are responding to someone else's conversation on Facebook, if I'm tagged in it or have responded to it, I can SEE IT!! Hello?!?! McFly?!?! Please keep this to yourself. I recognize that this is pretty selfish. So, if you just can't help yourself and you NEED to talk about it, go to the nearest closet and whisper it to get it off your chest. In the Facebook world, it's called sending a PRIVATE MESSAGE. The point is: It is NOT helpful to me, and I don't want to hear it. Period.
</rant off>


SCHMOOPY AKA THE BALD HOTTY
In a previous blog post, I referred to our friend Chuck as being the luckiest bastard on Earth, but in actuality, I am the luckiest bastard (bitch) in the universe because I found my Schmoopy - AKA The Bald Hotty. He deserves every compliment that you say about him...and then some! Not only is he unbelievably kind and sweet and strong and sexy, he is a kick-ass Dad. And he makes wine that will make you swoon.(Bonus!)

I don't really think there is an English word that fully captures him. In Yiddish, you would call him a "mensch".

[Side note: Steven and I listened to an NPR "All Things Considered" about untranslatable words that is really interesting. Check it out! http://www.npr.org/blogs/parallels/2013/08/30/217266980/how-do-you-say-for-some-words-theres-no-easy...]

Unfortunately, "mensch" was not one of them, so I looked it up for you. Wikipedia says: According to Leo Rosten, the Yiddish maven and author of The Joys of Yiddish, "mensch" is "someone to admire and emulate, someone of noble character."
Now, if I could find a word that incorporates this and also connotes that he's a hotty, it would be perfect. NPR? A little help here!

So, that is really all I can come up with right now. Maybe I'll need to put out a second edition as time goes on. I hope you find useful.

In all seriousness, there's nothing really that will offend me at this point, so feel free to ignore all this advice I've given.Except the part about talking about people who've died. I'm serious. I won't say "dead serious" because that would be another cheap joke and in poor taste.