The One in Which I Talk About Goal Setting While I (MIGHT BE) Living with Cancer

This is the time of year when everyone begins to reflect on what they've accomplished so far, and what they want to accomplish in the next year. This has been a tricky thing for me, this year, as I factor in the idea that I might be living with cancer.

Forgive me. I need to interrupt here for a hot second...

Before I launch into this topic, I just have to make this clear to everyone. Some of you get it. Some of you don't. So, I have to lay it all out there. I might be living with cancer.  Yes, even after the treatments I've gone through. If you want to know more of the specifics of what that means to me/us, click on the page "Living with GBM and My Medically Now What?" Regardless of whether I am looking at a recurrence in my future, I am forever changed, physically and mentally (literally). I felt like I needed to get that out of the way because it's been increasingly obvious to me that some of you think that I'm on the road to recovery, and when I'm done, I'll be a "survivor" going about my Old Normal June ways...Old Normal is gone. Forever. My family and I are still working through what that means to us. But we are acknowledging, accepting, and adjusting to this new reality.

Now that we're all on the same page... Let's proceed...

Goal Setting While I MIGHT BE Living with Cancer:
My New Reality is trying to balance my desire to control what I can in my life while accepting that My Grand Plans could go Ka-Blooey! in a heart beat based on what my medical team says from month-to-month. And it's a very uncomfortable place for me these days.

I've been a goal setter for a long time...A serious goal setter for about 20 years. That's when I discovered Stephen Covey and his book, "First Things First" -- It's all about consciously focusing on what matters most in your life and making sure your life reflects that. That doesn't mean that I/we always succeed in that, but it is all about intention and focus.

[If you haven't heard of Covey's work, I highly recommend you do some research of your own. There are lots of resources online to get you started - and he has several books out if you are into that sort of thing. This is the perfect time to do it, too, when everyone is motivated to make changes in the New Year. Damn. I wish I could get a little commission on that...but let's just call it "Paying it Forward" and move on, shall we? ]

At the core of it all is that you are deliberately looking at your life and the various "roles" you play, intentionally identifying what you want to BE/ACCOMPLISH in this area of your life, and then setting up a plan to make it happen through Goal Setting.

Goals should be SMART:

Specific

Measurable

Attainable

Realistic

Timely

Some of you are rolling your eyes at me right now. I see you! (You didn't know that Ninja Warriors have the superpower to see through your computer screen? Silly, silly you!) No, you're right. The concept has been around a long, long time. Kiddies, just because something is old/not new doesn't mean it's not valuable. Look at Beanie Babies and Pokemon cards. Okay, maybe not good examples...

A BETTER EXAMPLE...

(History Geek Alert!!) The origins of  Benjamin Franklin's the Art of Virtue: His Formula for Successful Living dates back to an idea he had in 1726, at age 20! He took a different approach - identifying 13 "virtues" or life principles that he felt were essential.. Each week, he would focus on one of them until he completed the cycle, and then he'd start over again.
I don't know if it's a true story, but I have heard it said that he had a hard time with #13 - Humility - after going through the first 12 virtues successfully. Which is pretty damn funny, considering what we know about Franklin and his ...eh hem...shall we say "weaknesses" as far as Temperance, Chastity, and Moderation go.... Who knows? Maybe he only focused on one a week, so that left him with a clear conscience the other weeks to engage in debauchery to his heart's content? Whatever the truth, overall, he was a pretty accomplished guy, so he was on to something, I think...

Sorry, my history geek self has gone completely amuck...#Freepass!

What I am getting at is ....
Things are different for me right now as a Planner/Goal Setter who might be living with cancer. But should they be? That's what I'm struggling with right now.

What's got me all twisted up? I can certainly make my goals SPECIFIC and MEASURABLE. The tricky part is...are they ATTAINABLE and/or REALISTIC? I'm talking about not knowing the New Normal June - which I'm guessing is going to be changing over time, too - and not knowing what is attainable/realistic for HER. errrr...ME! (What the heck? When did I morph into Elmo and start talking about myself in the third person???)

EXHIBIT A:
I registered to complete a half-marathon in Livermore on March 28, 2015  - way back in the summer 2014. Notice I said, "COMPLETE". I can hear some of my long-time runner friends saying...
Them: "Complete? You mean, RUN, right?"
ME: Uh...NO, I don't mean run. I mean, just cross the finish line after covering 13.1 miles on foot.
Them: But you've run three full marathons and several half-marathons already. You're worried about finishing a half?
ME: Ummm...YEA.

The problem is...I have NO IDEA if this realistic for me - in this next stage of my New Normal- undergoing continuing treatment which includes monthly chemo cycles. And, go figure, there are not a lot of resources out there one way of the other from other people going through the same thing. Trust me. There isn't a Half-Marathon Training Plan for Post-Brain Surgery/Radiation/Chemo Cancer Patients out there...

This is where I enter the confusing territory of...Am I just plain stubborn and/crazy? (uh. maybe you shouldn't answer that one...)  But just so you don't jump to the conclusion that I am completely crazy - Steven and I have been walking nearly every day (2-3 miles) - including The Hill - during my whole course my treatment, and I'm envisioning just adding on 1 mile a week to one of the weekend walks ...Seems pretty do-able to me...but the hell do I know?

How far does one push the envelope to see what we are capable of doing before we've gone too far?  I don't want to limit myself and stop taking chances. But I also want to LIVE as long as I possible can, and that MAY mean accepting that some goals are counter-productive in that respect.
Of course, Steven and I have discussed this issue. The logical first step is to talk to my medical team about the REALISTIC and ATTAINABLE part with them. But given the lack of data I see online, I wonder just how much they really know. And then there's the issue of there being just ONE June "Outlier" AKA #MFBCFNW, which is a very shallow statistical data pool indeed.

I'm not even going to get into the TIMELY thing...TIME SPECIFIC?  That's a "whole 'nother can of worms", as they say... Why do they say that? Google that shit, my friend... Imagine the poor English Language Learners that come to America and try to understand the convoluted, mishmash of nonsense that comes out of our mouths sometimes?

Speaking of which, I'm afraid this particular blog post is about as clear as mud...and I apologize. But that is where I am right now in my journey. I feel like the security of knowing what was going to happen each day during the initial treatment kept me tethered and safe to some degree. This wait-and-see crap just isn't my bag, Baby. But more and more, I'm beginning to realize that it is part of the New Normal June's Life.  Sometimes I feel like Sandra Bullock in Gravity - scared out of my wits and floating in space.

Wouldn't it be nice if it ended for me just like her? Landing on some soft sand with an ass of a 20 year old? A girl dream, can't she?