The One in Which I Distract Myself from My Scanxiety - and just try and CHILL OUT.

Tomorrow (Friday, 1/9/15) at 11:00 a.m., I will be stuffed into a metal and plastic tube - having high-tech stuff swirling around my head, clicking and whirring and knocking - scanning the New June's Brain. or June's New Brain? Whatever. You get the idea. The point is...I'm anxious, scared, freaked out...and not just because I'm claustrophobic.

You all know I'm claustrophobic, right? But ANYONE in that situation would be grateful for this beautiful, beautiful little white pill called Ativan that makes me able to even think about the situation now without breaking out in hives. (Okay, I cannot tell I lie: I just googled who invented Ativan. Three cheers to Stanley C. Bell! You rocked, Smartypants Scientist!)

Just looking at this picture makes my heart beat a little faster! GAH!

I suppose whoever invented the MRI machine deserves a lot of credit, too. Okayyyyy...So, I'll google it... Here ya' go:  Raymond Vahan Damadian. But I'm not cheering him without some Ativan in my system already. Sorry, Ray. I'm sure you were a super smartypants, too, but some people get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.

It will be my first post-initial treatment MRI. The results will then be forwarded to my "local team": radiologist and oncologist, as well as my UCSF team. I have an appointment on Monday, 1/12/14, with my oncologist to discuss the results. <gulp!> I know...We know that the first post-treatment MRI is a weird one. It will be only 4-5 weeks since my last radiation/chemo treatment, and I'm still tapering off my steroids. They expect things to look ...well, not normal.  Actually, come to think of it, my scans will never look "normal" again since I had a very "AbbyNormal" tumor up in there and with what they had to remove and zap and such, right?

But this MRI will (hopefully!) "just" be a new baseline, showing the effectiveness of my treatment as well as a new comparison point for all future scans.

But anyone who has/had cancer knows that feeling of SCANXIETY.  

[Confession: I'm suppressing the urge to break out into a song in Mel Brook's accent at this moment? I know I'm not alone. Why fight it?]

SCANXIETY is that feeling that overtakes us - I was going to say Cancer Warriors - but really anyone who has a chronic condition and needs to be monitored through scans to ensure there are no negative changes over time. It could be a recurrence, worsening of condition, or an entirely new bag of crap to deal with.  You know: everything we try not to think about in our every day lives, or it would make us crazy!

I'm trying to live my life these days - 90% of the time - focused on the HERE and NOW. Appreciating the present and letting go of those things that I can't control. But these MRI's - which will continue on pretty much forever in my future - bring up the WHAT IF's bubbling to the surface like a barrel full of corks floating in water. Try to push some down, and more just pop up somewhere else.

So....what am I going to do? I've already been online this morning, looking at cute pictures of animals - micro-pigs and hedgehogs, doggies, kitties, and of course....SQUIRRELS! (Hey, don't knock my hobbies! Haven't I already told you that the world needs less cynicism and more whimsy!)

Internet Lesson of the Day - Feel free to skip if you'd rather carry on with more serious talk.
Kiddies, I always try to teach you something useful, so here it is for today:  If you are willing to up your game from Pinterest, the real mother-lode of ridiculously cute animals is far and away reddit.com. They have whole subreddits devoted just to "Dogs Wearing Hats" and "Animals Being Derps".  But if you're a newbie... Quick Test: Do you know what a subreddit is? No?----> I suggest you start with the wildly popular and aptly named "Awww". And you can pin these on Pinterest and feel smug virtuous about contributing some semi-new content! Win-win!

This one is called: Kitten and Bunny Lookalikes.

Question from the audience: But June, how long will looking at adorable animals pictures really distract you?
Answer: Longer than you'd think...under normal circumstances. But with the scan a day away....not long enough, unfortunately.

It's not all about the scan, though. It's about the fact that we have to face the results of the scan and respond to them. We don't know yet what we're going to learn, but we are going to learn something. And we will have to make decisions based on that information. Which requires us to start actually looking at the WHAT IF's/THEN...scenarios, choices, options. So, Steven and I take deep breaths and start wading into the world of WHAT IF's with GBM patients.

So, how do we navigate this new, uncertain, scary time? How exactly am I supposed to CHILL OUT?!

Uh, oh! We've unlocked June's teacher-mode! Look out!

Let's reframe this situation, shall we? I may have many more MRI's in my future....which means a lot of more of these "Scanniversaries" and SCANXIETY ... as long as I have a FUTURE....

And that's very good news, indeed. Yes, it is!

 So, I need to associate Scanniversaries with LIFE instead of ANXIETY.

Got it? Got it.  

I'll keep working on it. Practice, practice, practice.

My new mantra:
Continuing MRI's = Continuing FUTURE

And I say that deserves a cheers to both Stanley C. Bell and Raymond Vahan Damadian!

Now, if we can just find the next Smartypants Scientist(s) to find a CURE for Cancer, 

I swear I'd throw the biggest party EVAH! 

With unlimited cheers! and drinks on the house! (Shhhhh! Don't tell Steven.)

You heard it here first!

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And now a BONUS TRACK!

Introducing: JUNE'S WARRIORS - SUPPORT page!

 

We are so grateful for the all the expressions of support, love, and encouragement that we've received from friends, family, and complete strangers around the world. We are humbled and overwhelmed by the response to our current challenge. From the messages and the cards, the meals dropped off, contributions of organic veggies, cozy blankets and toasty & cute hats...the list goes on and on...
all of it has meant so much to our family.

In addition, some of our communities have spontaneously organized fundraising opportunities for our family. We thank you so much for your big, big hearts and effort, and thank you to everyone who participates/donates!

One of the things about my condition is that it is chronic (I prefer chronic to terminal, don't you? Although John Cleese said, "Life is a terminal disease, and it's sexually transmitted.") ... and unpredictable. We are fortunate enough to have insurance, however, we just got news yesterday that my MRI will be the first thing applied to our annual deductible in January.  Wheeeee! Ka-ching! My monthly medication co-pays also add up. And the reality is that, "standard treatment" for GBM is very limited at this time. Down the road, we also may be looking at significant out-of-pocket expenses associated with clinical trials and seeking alternative/supplemental care. In other words, we most certainly need and appreciate all the support.

I've created a new page on this blog: JUNE'S WARRIORS - SUPPORT to acknowledge and keep you updated on all of June's Warriors efforts. It will include not just opportunities to support our family, but links to support the often overlooked cause of Brain Cancer.

If you are already planning to come to our event next Wednesday, January 14th @ the Vine- our family is very excited to see you all in person! If not, click on the June's Warriors page and find out more. It's going to be bitchin'!

NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE!