The One in Which I Talk About my New Goals

I know it's completely normal to feel fear when one is diagnosed with cancer. I've read it, heard it, and experienced it. What one fears is not the same for everyone. That's seems normal as well. I remember my friend, Jeanne, who recently passed from pancreatic cancer, expressed a lot of fear about the pain in the end. That is not the fear that I try to push to the dark recesses of my mind. Maybe I'm naive, but I believe there is enough modern medicine out there for me to avoid a lot of pain in the end. If I'm wrong, don't feel the need to set me straight. This is one of those situations where ignorance is truly bliss.

As much as I try to avoid it, I do have fear that bubbles up to the surface.  My fear is that I'm going to miss so many things in life by dying "young". REALLY young people who are reading this blog are thinking, "What?!?! Is she off her nut? She's 50 years old! That's not young!" But older people understand what I'm saying. I'm a mother of four children, adults (mostly): 28, 24, 22, and 20. But I've got so much of their lives to see. I've been married 25 lucky years to my Schmoopy, but I thought I had at least double that to fill our lives with memories. I fear missing the weddings, the births, the family gatherings at Game Nights, Thanksgiving and Christmas, trips with my Schmoopy...or just sitting out in the evening around a fire pit and talking and laughing...

I swear that my tumor must be near some area of my brain that controls emotions because I cry at the drop of a hat, and I can't seem to control it. I mean really CRY - the kind of crying where you can't even talk so that anyone can understand what you're saying. And I breathe deep when it starts to come on, thinking that I will get my words out before the waterworks start, but it's hopeless. I cry like that at some point on most walks with Steven. I used to apologize, but now he tells me it wouldn't feel like an official walk if I didn't cry at least once. I told you our walks are like my therapy!

So, know when I write about this subject, I'm a mess: tears streaming down my face and strangled sobs in my throat. #sorrynotsorry

<grabbing tissues and wiping my face dry>
<Deep Breaths>

When I was first diagnosed and (mostly) recovered from my surgery, and I decided that I was a Mother Fucking Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior! (Rawwr!) I took a bulletin board out of the garage and re-purposed it. I hung it up and thought about everything that I wanted to experience in the next 6 months - things that I was fighting for.

As cards and email and letters poured in from June's Warriors, I hung those up around the board and I regularly gazed at that corner as I was getting ready for the day.

(Kiddies, Here's a little tip for you: you gain a lot more time in your day if you shave - or lose- your hair. I must save 40 - 60 min. a day not having to fuss with my hair anymore.)

This weekend the family went down to watch Katherine graduate from UC Santa Barbara.  As I was waiting for Katherine to walk down the aisle for her commencement, I realized that this was the last event that I had pinned to my bulletin board. As I started to tear up, I tried to express this to my father and husband (whom I was sitting between), and after several attempts to talk through my blubbering tears, I got the message across. My father leaned over and gave me a big hug and kiss on the head. (A moment I wouldn't ever want to miss - see how that works?)

Both of them said the same thing: "Better get some new goals up there ASAP!" As soon as I got home from UCSB, I started my latest chemo cycle, so I'm not all that spry, but the more that I've been thinking about it, the more that this assignment seemed too pressing to wait until my chemo cycle was over on Friday.

Yesterday, I unpinned each card and message from all of you - reread them and smiled (yes, and cried - #freepass!), as well as my pictures of my goals and tucked them in a basket that I now have in my "meditation corner". The positive energy emanating from that basket must be off the charts!

By the time I finished that, I had to lie down, take some anti-nausea meds, and binge watch some more "Orange is the New Black" and nap. So, I woke up this morning with a blank bulletin board. That seemed like really bad karma, so I set to work importing and printing my new goals.

New board includes room for more goals as I think of them...

The first time I did this, I was afraid to go too far beyond 6 months. Why? I'm not sure. I guess that my prognosis was so shitty that I couldn't get my brain to dream beyond that. This time, I've gone into next year. My last goal up on the board is to attend Autumn Elizabeth's first birthday. But I think maybe I'm allowing the "F" word (FEAR - what did you think I was talking about?!) to interfere with my goals. And what do I really have to lose by planning for something in 2017, 2018? Wouldn't it be something if I were to witness Autumn's first dance at HER wedding?

April & Coffey's first dance - (Notice my parents in the background.)

A ninja warrior can dream, can't she? Yes, she can!

The One in Which I Have a Dream

(Hint: Scroll down to the update if you'd rather not reminisce about last year.)
♬ "I had a dream..."🎶

Shameful admission on the get-go: MOST sensible adults associate that phrase with Martin Luther King, Jr., but I've more than proven myself to be a not-so-sensible adult...
So, I sing this phrase (mostly in my head) every time I think of it, like Ethel Merman in Gypsy, singing "Everything's Coming Up Roses"...

You don't know it? You heathens!

 I googled that sh-sh-sh-ssssstuff....I feel that it would be inappropriate to use the real "s" word when talking about Ethel Merman because she is a Dame or something, isn't she? If she isn't, she should be...and damned if she isn't on youtube!

Everything's Coming Up Roses!

If you haven't ever seen the play, it's about an Uber Stage Mom who eventually pushes her "less talented" daughter into a life of stripping. That's an oversimplification of the plot, but it's a real tear-jerker. Trust me. Not AT ALL like "Dance Moms". Except possibly the stripper part.

AS I was saying...before my brain took a little bird walk...(#freepass)
I had a dream. Steven and I had a dream.

For the better part of 18 years, Steven has been commuting to Livermore while we've lived in San Jose, It's  a 40- 45 minute commute (if there's no traffic). Of course, some people have it a lot worse in the Bay Area. I get that.  But it still sucks. And Harvest Time is a whole 'nother dimension. It calls for 17 hour days and very little sleep.

But we were fully ensconced in the San Jose community - I have been working here, and it seemed like we always had at least one kid in high school here. It seemed cruel to have them switch schools in that very "delicate" time in their lives.

Now, we were ready to move to Livermore. We even had a plan.  August 2015.  Kids are (mostly) out of the house, grandbaby on the way...The two of us and our two rescue doggies on some property, a stone's throw from downtown Livermore (which is really cute!) and the winery. Eventually, we wanted to live on vineyard property, make and sell the wine right there.

Then life threw us a curve ball.

THANKS, LIFE! (said in a really snotty, sarcastic way. Think: Mean Girls.)

But what Steven and I were talking about on our daily walk yesterday (I told you sometimes we talk about BIG stuff!)....is that if that was really our dream...It is STILL our dream.

But there's nothing like having a potentially deadly illness to wake a person up, and shake them around, and say, "If not now, when????"

There are a lot of trite, bullshitty quote things about overcoming challenges on the interwebs. (Pinterest practically has the market cornered, so don't bother investing), but I happen to like this one:

"The positive thinker sees the invisible, 

feels the intangible, 

and achieves the impossible."

So, this our dream, our vision (as I see it right now):  

Family events at the winery

A table to share good wine and food with our family and friends.

Adirondack chairs overlooking the vineyard are not optional. I don't know why. I love them.

Walks with the puppies. And don't tell Capi that she's not "winery dog material". I'll cut you.

Steven has another another vision of driving his grandbabies on a John Deere, but this was the best that I could come up with:

I think it is an actual John Deere baby stroller???

I challenge Steven to do the same - really envision what we want - and then we make that mother fucker happen! 

<Dorky high fives!!!!>

I love you, Schmoopy! <-- I'm pretty sure this sounds even better when we're sitting in Adirondack chairs.
______________________________________________

Update - 9/5/15 This is happening! We are packing and moving to Livermore within the next two weeks! We've already started to move stuff into the garage up there! Very exciting times! We both can't wait until we can be a part of the Livermore community full-time. And just in time for Harvest '15! The whites are in, and the reds will begin being picked within the next three weeks, according to Schmoopy.

In case you haven't heard, our new place will be right in the middle of Ghielmetti Vineyard, which will make it much more convenient for Steven to manage. And we may not have The Hill to walk around, but instead, we'll have rows and rows of vines. 

Here's a sneak peek at the view out the back of our new house:

The doggy fence needs some work, and we'll have to figure out where the Adirondack chairs belong!

Stay tuned, Livermore peeps because we plan to have an open house soon - with the understanding that we're still moving in, so it will probably still be disaster. But you know what my motto is: Don't Wait! Live NOW!  

We will also be celebrating my Cancerversary! It's just a few short weeks until it's been a YEAR since my surgery and diagnosis (September 24, 2014). Unfortunately, we're going to have to wait a few weeks though, because I'm scheduled for chemo that week. Wheeeee! Hey, I'm still here, and that's something to celebrate, right?!