The One in Which I Tell Y'all About the Relay for Life in Livermore

Team picture (actually at the end of the event) Theme: pajamas! Mine say: "Lazy Days, Ninja Nights" Rawwr!

Livermore Relay for Life, 2015

A few months back, Kate Gazzuolo (part of our SKW family) sent me an email asking if I was interested in joining their Relay for Life team benefiting the American Cancer Society this year. They've been doing it for about 5 years  - her immediate family and several members of the Steven Kent Winery Family. She totally understood if I was not up to it, but they wanted me to know that they had changed the team name in my honor from "Wine Girls" to "June's Wine Girl Ninja Warriors". (Have I mentioned how much the Steven Kent Winery Family ROCKS?  Probably not enough! Well, they ROCK!) I told her that I would love to join the team, raise some money, and play it by ear about how much I could actually walk on that day. Done deal! 

  

Katie Gazzuolo - Our Team Captain, and Cindy Turchino - Tasting Room Manager & Professional Pirate

I set up my page on the American Cancer Society website and solicited donations - and once again, family and friends - June's Warriors - humbled me with their generosity and support. <grabs tissues> [note to self: buy stock in Kleenex] Big Ninja Warrior kisses & hugs!!!

I had never participated in a Relay for Life event (I know many of those Warriors out there have - so forgive me if I bore you by describing some of the details - at least for this one.). The first thing I did was check in. If you are a Survivor (Yay, me!), you got a stick with a sign saying how long you've been a survivor. The two survivors in front of me said with confidence "37 years"...then "40 years". When it was my turn, the young girl who was volunteering to write on the signs looked expectantly at me. "um...9 months." She paused a moment, looked at the adult seated next to her for guidance - who sweetly just gave her a reassuring nod, a signal as if to say: "Well, write that down, honey!" I thought I was going to win a prize for being the least amount of time as I looked at the Survivor Signs around me, but then the beautiful Linda Santos and Sandy Casey showed up. Her sign said, "8 months". Dammit! I don't even win THAT prize? Well, as it turned out, neither of us would have won that prize (Kiddies -I'm totally making this up. There is NO prize for that distinction. I have to be honest.  I just don't want you to be bitterly disappointed if you ever go to one of these events and have just been diagnosed or something.) Anyway, we spotted a man with "7 months" a little later on. But many more inspiring signs with decades of survival!

I love Steven & Sandy's beauty pageant sashes for being Caregivers! At least Sandy has the pageant stance down!

The Relay isn't really a "relay" in the truest sense of the word. At least one person from the team has to be out on the track, walking laps, at all times for the 12 hours, but there's no baton passed or anything. We had some lovely volunteers that came by to help and walk some laps for us - Thank you so much!!! I even had a former student come up in the middle of the night to volunteer! I'm ...really speechless about this. But I could cry some more if I weren't out of tissues....We love you!!! and NEEDED you! 

Especially since some people on our team got involved in an hour or two of playing a "cornhole" game...which apparently means something completely different to most people than it did to me. I always called that game Beanbag Toss (throwing a beanbag into a hole in a board). "Cornhole"? Well...Google that Shit or use your imagination, but that is NOT what I thought that meant. Come on! I know I'm not the only one out there...There were themes for all the laps - which my team captain assured me was not necessary - but I am actually a lover of themes [Let's just say "hokey" has been used in a sentence about me more than once.] and chose ones that I wanted to participate in...especially the Super Hero one. Hello??? Who doesn't want to dress like a super hero? Apparently, 99.9% of the participants. But I wore my Ninja Warrior costume with pride!

That's right! Don't fuck with me, Cancer! 'Cause you don't know who you're dealing with! Ninjas are stealthy like that!

In addition to the funds we raised online, each booth had raffle items and other ways to make money. Our team had this beautiful basket with a wine tasting package of local wineries, as well as a table of used books.

Notice Steven in the background (look for the bald head), "working hard", reading one of the books he found on the table. That's alright. Caregivers deserve breaks for sure! Love you, Schmoopy!  Xoxoxo

The team also had a bunch of karate boards with CANCER written on them for people to karate chop CANCER.

Sharyn Bell, karate chopping Cancer's ass while Katie bravely holds the plank.

The other theme time that I really wanted to be a part of was the Luminarias. People decorate paper bags with names of treasured loved ones that have passed away or people currently Warriors living with Cancer. They light the bags along the track (with glow sticks) at dark and you walk along, reading the names and reflecting on how many people that Cancer has touched.  It's very powerful when you see them all lined up, each representing a father, brother, son, mother, sister, daughter...[You know what, Cancer? You suck! #sorrynotsorry]

Ninja Carol honored me with this luminaria. So sweet! 

 I had ordered my bag online for Jeannie Mullins - I didn't realize that we could decorate our own, so a volunteer did it ahead of time. It's a little sloppy, but Jeannie would understand...she taught 2nd graders, after all!
Thank you to my wonderful team/family for inviting us to be a part of this!
And our little but mighty team raised over $6,608!  The whole event raised: $136,458.98

Disclaimer: Almost all of the photos in this blog post have been stolen downloaded from someone else's Facebook page. Sharyn Bell, the Gazzuolo family, Cindy Turchino... thank you for being such good photographers and recording these precious moments. I have found that, since my diagnosis, I forget to take pictures because it distracts me from being IN THE MOMENT. Maybe it's the cancer. Maybe it's the sense of urgency to be present? Which is kind of the same thing, if I think about it...Whatever. I'm using my #cancercard to justify stealing other people's stuff. k? #freepass

The One in Which I Talk About Goal Setting While I (MIGHT BE) Living with Cancer

This is the time of year when everyone begins to reflect on what they've accomplished so far, and what they want to accomplish in the next year. This has been a tricky thing for me, this year, as I factor in the idea that I might be living with cancer.

Forgive me. I need to interrupt here for a hot second...

Before I launch into this topic, I just have to make this clear to everyone. Some of you get it. Some of you don't. So, I have to lay it all out there. I might be living with cancer.  Yes, even after the treatments I've gone through. If you want to know more of the specifics of what that means to me/us, click on the page "Living with GBM and My Medically Now What?" Regardless of whether I am looking at a recurrence in my future, I am forever changed, physically and mentally (literally). I felt like I needed to get that out of the way because it's been increasingly obvious to me that some of you think that I'm on the road to recovery, and when I'm done, I'll be a "survivor" going about my Old Normal June ways...Old Normal is gone. Forever. My family and I are still working through what that means to us. But we are acknowledging, accepting, and adjusting to this new reality.

Now that we're all on the same page... Let's proceed...

Goal Setting While I MIGHT BE Living with Cancer:
My New Reality is trying to balance my desire to control what I can in my life while accepting that My Grand Plans could go Ka-Blooey! in a heart beat based on what my medical team says from month-to-month. And it's a very uncomfortable place for me these days.

I've been a goal setter for a long time...A serious goal setter for about 20 years. That's when I discovered Stephen Covey and his book, "First Things First" -- It's all about consciously focusing on what matters most in your life and making sure your life reflects that. That doesn't mean that I/we always succeed in that, but it is all about intention and focus.

[If you haven't heard of Covey's work, I highly recommend you do some research of your own. There are lots of resources online to get you started - and he has several books out if you are into that sort of thing. This is the perfect time to do it, too, when everyone is motivated to make changes in the New Year. Damn. I wish I could get a little commission on that...but let's just call it "Paying it Forward" and move on, shall we? ]

At the core of it all is that you are deliberately looking at your life and the various "roles" you play, intentionally identifying what you want to BE/ACCOMPLISH in this area of your life, and then setting up a plan to make it happen through Goal Setting.

Goals should be SMART:

Specific

Measurable

Attainable

Realistic

Timely

Some of you are rolling your eyes at me right now. I see you! (You didn't know that Ninja Warriors have the superpower to see through your computer screen? Silly, silly you!) No, you're right. The concept has been around a long, long time. Kiddies, just because something is old/not new doesn't mean it's not valuable. Look at Beanie Babies and Pokemon cards. Okay, maybe not good examples...

A BETTER EXAMPLE...

(History Geek Alert!!) The origins of  Benjamin Franklin's the Art of Virtue: His Formula for Successful Living dates back to an idea he had in 1726, at age 20! He took a different approach - identifying 13 "virtues" or life principles that he felt were essential.. Each week, he would focus on one of them until he completed the cycle, and then he'd start over again.
I don't know if it's a true story, but I have heard it said that he had a hard time with #13 - Humility - after going through the first 12 virtues successfully. Which is pretty damn funny, considering what we know about Franklin and his ...eh hem...shall we say "weaknesses" as far as Temperance, Chastity, and Moderation go.... Who knows? Maybe he only focused on one a week, so that left him with a clear conscience the other weeks to engage in debauchery to his heart's content? Whatever the truth, overall, he was a pretty accomplished guy, so he was on to something, I think...

Sorry, my history geek self has gone completely amuck...#Freepass!

What I am getting at is ....
Things are different for me right now as a Planner/Goal Setter who might be living with cancer. But should they be? That's what I'm struggling with right now.

What's got me all twisted up? I can certainly make my goals SPECIFIC and MEASURABLE. The tricky part is...are they ATTAINABLE and/or REALISTIC? I'm talking about not knowing the New Normal June - which I'm guessing is going to be changing over time, too - and not knowing what is attainable/realistic for HER. errrr...ME! (What the heck? When did I morph into Elmo and start talking about myself in the third person???)

EXHIBIT A:
I registered to complete a half-marathon in Livermore on March 28, 2015  - way back in the summer 2014. Notice I said, "COMPLETE". I can hear some of my long-time runner friends saying...
Them: "Complete? You mean, RUN, right?"
ME: Uh...NO, I don't mean run. I mean, just cross the finish line after covering 13.1 miles on foot.
Them: But you've run three full marathons and several half-marathons already. You're worried about finishing a half?
ME: Ummm...YEA.

The problem is...I have NO IDEA if this realistic for me - in this next stage of my New Normal- undergoing continuing treatment which includes monthly chemo cycles. And, go figure, there are not a lot of resources out there one way of the other from other people going through the same thing. Trust me. There isn't a Half-Marathon Training Plan for Post-Brain Surgery/Radiation/Chemo Cancer Patients out there...

This is where I enter the confusing territory of...Am I just plain stubborn and/crazy? (uh. maybe you shouldn't answer that one...)  But just so you don't jump to the conclusion that I am completely crazy - Steven and I have been walking nearly every day (2-3 miles) - including The Hill - during my whole course my treatment, and I'm envisioning just adding on 1 mile a week to one of the weekend walks ...Seems pretty do-able to me...but the hell do I know?

How far does one push the envelope to see what we are capable of doing before we've gone too far?  I don't want to limit myself and stop taking chances. But I also want to LIVE as long as I possible can, and that MAY mean accepting that some goals are counter-productive in that respect.
Of course, Steven and I have discussed this issue. The logical first step is to talk to my medical team about the REALISTIC and ATTAINABLE part with them. But given the lack of data I see online, I wonder just how much they really know. And then there's the issue of there being just ONE June "Outlier" AKA #MFBCFNW, which is a very shallow statistical data pool indeed.

I'm not even going to get into the TIMELY thing...TIME SPECIFIC?  That's a "whole 'nother can of worms", as they say... Why do they say that? Google that shit, my friend... Imagine the poor English Language Learners that come to America and try to understand the convoluted, mishmash of nonsense that comes out of our mouths sometimes?

Speaking of which, I'm afraid this particular blog post is about as clear as mud...and I apologize. But that is where I am right now in my journey. I feel like the security of knowing what was going to happen each day during the initial treatment kept me tethered and safe to some degree. This wait-and-see crap just isn't my bag, Baby. But more and more, I'm beginning to realize that it is part of the New Normal June's Life.  Sometimes I feel like Sandra Bullock in Gravity - scared out of my wits and floating in space.

Wouldn't it be nice if it ended for me just like her? Landing on some soft sand with an ass of a 20 year old? A girl dream, can't she?

The One in Which I Have a Dream

(Hint: Scroll down to the update if you'd rather not reminisce about last year.)
♬ "I had a dream..."🎶

Shameful admission on the get-go: MOST sensible adults associate that phrase with Martin Luther King, Jr., but I've more than proven myself to be a not-so-sensible adult...
So, I sing this phrase (mostly in my head) every time I think of it, like Ethel Merman in Gypsy, singing "Everything's Coming Up Roses"...

You don't know it? You heathens!

 I googled that sh-sh-sh-ssssstuff....I feel that it would be inappropriate to use the real "s" word when talking about Ethel Merman because she is a Dame or something, isn't she? If she isn't, she should be...and damned if she isn't on youtube!

Everything's Coming Up Roses!

If you haven't ever seen the play, it's about an Uber Stage Mom who eventually pushes her "less talented" daughter into a life of stripping. That's an oversimplification of the plot, but it's a real tear-jerker. Trust me. Not AT ALL like "Dance Moms". Except possibly the stripper part.

AS I was saying...before my brain took a little bird walk...(#freepass)
I had a dream. Steven and I had a dream.

For the better part of 18 years, Steven has been commuting to Livermore while we've lived in San Jose, It's  a 40- 45 minute commute (if there's no traffic). Of course, some people have it a lot worse in the Bay Area. I get that.  But it still sucks. And Harvest Time is a whole 'nother dimension. It calls for 17 hour days and very little sleep.

But we were fully ensconced in the San Jose community - I have been working here, and it seemed like we always had at least one kid in high school here. It seemed cruel to have them switch schools in that very "delicate" time in their lives.

Now, we were ready to move to Livermore. We even had a plan.  August 2015.  Kids are (mostly) out of the house, grandbaby on the way...The two of us and our two rescue doggies on some property, a stone's throw from downtown Livermore (which is really cute!) and the winery. Eventually, we wanted to live on vineyard property, make and sell the wine right there.

Then life threw us a curve ball.

THANKS, LIFE! (said in a really snotty, sarcastic way. Think: Mean Girls.)

But what Steven and I were talking about on our daily walk yesterday (I told you sometimes we talk about BIG stuff!)....is that if that was really our dream...It is STILL our dream.

But there's nothing like having a potentially deadly illness to wake a person up, and shake them around, and say, "If not now, when????"

There are a lot of trite, bullshitty quote things about overcoming challenges on the interwebs. (Pinterest practically has the market cornered, so don't bother investing), but I happen to like this one:

"The positive thinker sees the invisible, 

feels the intangible, 

and achieves the impossible."

So, this our dream, our vision (as I see it right now):  

Family events at the winery

A table to share good wine and food with our family and friends.

Adirondack chairs overlooking the vineyard are not optional. I don't know why. I love them.

Walks with the puppies. And don't tell Capi that she's not "winery dog material". I'll cut you.

Steven has another another vision of driving his grandbabies on a John Deere, but this was the best that I could come up with:

I think it is an actual John Deere baby stroller???

I challenge Steven to do the same - really envision what we want - and then we make that mother fucker happen! 

<Dorky high fives!!!!>

I love you, Schmoopy! <-- I'm pretty sure this sounds even better when we're sitting in Adirondack chairs.
______________________________________________

Update - 9/5/15 This is happening! We are packing and moving to Livermore within the next two weeks! We've already started to move stuff into the garage up there! Very exciting times! We both can't wait until we can be a part of the Livermore community full-time. And just in time for Harvest '15! The whites are in, and the reds will begin being picked within the next three weeks, according to Schmoopy.

In case you haven't heard, our new place will be right in the middle of Ghielmetti Vineyard, which will make it much more convenient for Steven to manage. And we may not have The Hill to walk around, but instead, we'll have rows and rows of vines. 

Here's a sneak peek at the view out the back of our new house:

The doggy fence needs some work, and we'll have to figure out where the Adirondack chairs belong!

Stay tuned, Livermore peeps because we plan to have an open house soon - with the understanding that we're still moving in, so it will probably still be disaster. But you know what my motto is: Don't Wait! Live NOW!  

We will also be celebrating my Cancerversary! It's just a few short weeks until it's been a YEAR since my surgery and diagnosis (September 24, 2014). Unfortunately, we're going to have to wait a few weeks though, because I'm scheduled for chemo that week. Wheeeee! Hey, I'm still here, and that's something to celebrate, right?!