The One in Which I Tell Y'all About the Relay for Life in Livermore

Team picture (actually at the end of the event) Theme: pajamas! Mine say: "Lazy Days, Ninja Nights" Rawwr!

Livermore Relay for Life, 2015

A few months back, Kate Gazzuolo (part of our SKW family) sent me an email asking if I was interested in joining their Relay for Life team benefiting the American Cancer Society this year. They've been doing it for about 5 years  - her immediate family and several members of the Steven Kent Winery Family. She totally understood if I was not up to it, but they wanted me to know that they had changed the team name in my honor from "Wine Girls" to "June's Wine Girl Ninja Warriors". (Have I mentioned how much the Steven Kent Winery Family ROCKS?  Probably not enough! Well, they ROCK!) I told her that I would love to join the team, raise some money, and play it by ear about how much I could actually walk on that day. Done deal! 

  

Katie Gazzuolo - Our Team Captain, and Cindy Turchino - Tasting Room Manager & Professional Pirate

I set up my page on the American Cancer Society website and solicited donations - and once again, family and friends - June's Warriors - humbled me with their generosity and support. <grabs tissues> [note to self: buy stock in Kleenex] Big Ninja Warrior kisses & hugs!!!

I had never participated in a Relay for Life event (I know many of those Warriors out there have - so forgive me if I bore you by describing some of the details - at least for this one.). The first thing I did was check in. If you are a Survivor (Yay, me!), you got a stick with a sign saying how long you've been a survivor. The two survivors in front of me said with confidence "37 years"...then "40 years". When it was my turn, the young girl who was volunteering to write on the signs looked expectantly at me. "um...9 months." She paused a moment, looked at the adult seated next to her for guidance - who sweetly just gave her a reassuring nod, a signal as if to say: "Well, write that down, honey!" I thought I was going to win a prize for being the least amount of time as I looked at the Survivor Signs around me, but then the beautiful Linda Santos and Sandy Casey showed up. Her sign said, "8 months". Dammit! I don't even win THAT prize? Well, as it turned out, neither of us would have won that prize (Kiddies -I'm totally making this up. There is NO prize for that distinction. I have to be honest.  I just don't want you to be bitterly disappointed if you ever go to one of these events and have just been diagnosed or something.) Anyway, we spotted a man with "7 months" a little later on. But many more inspiring signs with decades of survival!

I love Steven & Sandy's beauty pageant sashes for being Caregivers! At least Sandy has the pageant stance down!

The Relay isn't really a "relay" in the truest sense of the word. At least one person from the team has to be out on the track, walking laps, at all times for the 12 hours, but there's no baton passed or anything. We had some lovely volunteers that came by to help and walk some laps for us - Thank you so much!!! I even had a former student come up in the middle of the night to volunteer! I'm ...really speechless about this. But I could cry some more if I weren't out of tissues....We love you!!! and NEEDED you! 

Especially since some people on our team got involved in an hour or two of playing a "cornhole" game...which apparently means something completely different to most people than it did to me. I always called that game Beanbag Toss (throwing a beanbag into a hole in a board). "Cornhole"? Well...Google that Shit or use your imagination, but that is NOT what I thought that meant. Come on! I know I'm not the only one out there...There were themes for all the laps - which my team captain assured me was not necessary - but I am actually a lover of themes [Let's just say "hokey" has been used in a sentence about me more than once.] and chose ones that I wanted to participate in...especially the Super Hero one. Hello??? Who doesn't want to dress like a super hero? Apparently, 99.9% of the participants. But I wore my Ninja Warrior costume with pride!

That's right! Don't fuck with me, Cancer! 'Cause you don't know who you're dealing with! Ninjas are stealthy like that!

In addition to the funds we raised online, each booth had raffle items and other ways to make money. Our team had this beautiful basket with a wine tasting package of local wineries, as well as a table of used books.

Notice Steven in the background (look for the bald head), "working hard", reading one of the books he found on the table. That's alright. Caregivers deserve breaks for sure! Love you, Schmoopy!  Xoxoxo

The team also had a bunch of karate boards with CANCER written on them for people to karate chop CANCER.

Sharyn Bell, karate chopping Cancer's ass while Katie bravely holds the plank.

The other theme time that I really wanted to be a part of was the Luminarias. People decorate paper bags with names of treasured loved ones that have passed away or people currently Warriors living with Cancer. They light the bags along the track (with glow sticks) at dark and you walk along, reading the names and reflecting on how many people that Cancer has touched.  It's very powerful when you see them all lined up, each representing a father, brother, son, mother, sister, daughter...[You know what, Cancer? You suck! #sorrynotsorry]

Ninja Carol honored me with this luminaria. So sweet! 

 I had ordered my bag online for Jeannie Mullins - I didn't realize that we could decorate our own, so a volunteer did it ahead of time. It's a little sloppy, but Jeannie would understand...she taught 2nd graders, after all!
Thank you to my wonderful team/family for inviting us to be a part of this!
And our little but mighty team raised over $6,608!  The whole event raised: $136,458.98

Disclaimer: Almost all of the photos in this blog post have been stolen downloaded from someone else's Facebook page. Sharyn Bell, the Gazzuolo family, Cindy Turchino... thank you for being such good photographers and recording these precious moments. I have found that, since my diagnosis, I forget to take pictures because it distracts me from being IN THE MOMENT. Maybe it's the cancer. Maybe it's the sense of urgency to be present? Which is kind of the same thing, if I think about it...Whatever. I'm using my #cancercard to justify stealing other people's stuff. k? #freepass

The One in Which I Try to Say "Thank You!" to Livermore

This blog entry is going to be a little bit different. I've tried more than once to write this,
 but I just keep getting "stuck" - and crying a bit alot... I've been trying to tell the story of our Livermore Fundraiser a couple weeks ago, and how grateful our family is for all of the effort and generosity...but it seems that I can't find the words to adequately express it. Sorry if it gets a little messy! Let's call it a Love Letter of sorts...

• Thank you to all the amazing people who work at the Steven Kent Winery. For years and years, you have been the heart and soul of the SKW Family, but Steven and I could not imagine how we would have made it through these 3+ months without you.

Our Management Team- The Magic Behind the Mirrors

And Our Tasting Room Peeps - The Best Team You Will Ever Meet!

• Thank you to all the incredible people who have to come to visit our winery again and again (and joined us for off-site events). You, too,  have become part of the heart and soul of the SKW family. 

Cheers to our Loyal Fans and Club Members!

I just started working at the winery in the tasting room in the spring 2014, and I often felt a lot of pressure  - It was/is so important to me to learn our club members' names - because you ARE family.  And you deserve to be treated that way!


Kiddies, I'll let you in on a little secret: our son, Aidan, is the the one that knows every single SKW family's name. If you don't know who he is, he's the one at the front of the house that looks like a  mini-Steven - except that he was bald when Steven had hair, and now Steven is bald, and Aidan has long, long hair - I know, it's complicated! [But one things for sure:  he would NEVER introduce himself as Steven's son.] The secret's out! Sorry, Aidan!

• Thank you to the marvelous Livermore Wine Country Community who stepped in when things seemed impossible....and made it possible.

When I was diagnosed in the end of September 2014, it was the height of harvest season. Normally, Steven would be working 17+ hour days and sometimes sleeping at the winery to get an early start.  And that's how it started out this fall, too. Harvest 2014 was an intense one, too. Fruit was coming in early and at a break-neck speed.

September 23rd, that all changed for Steven because he was suddenly pulled away from the vineyards and thrust into the hospital halls - and then by my bedside at home, as I recovered from surgery. We are so grateful to the people who stepped in to allow Steven to be there by my side  - especially Craig Ploof (SKW's Assistant Winemaker) and so many people at Wente [our "winery next-door neighbors" and where Steven & Craig share the production facilities] -- Not to mention the Super SKW Team (see above) who filled the void in so many ways, while continuing to do everything already on their plates. What's that saying? "Busier than a one-armed paper hanger"? Sorry if that's not political correct. #freepass!

Craig hates to have pictures of himself online, so Shhhh! This will just be our little  secret, k?

A short little anecdote that illustrates my point: The first time Steven visited the Wente facility post -(my)surgery, and I tagged along because he couldn't imagine leaving me alone for that long. I was wandering around the barrel room while Steven and Craig tasted through the SKW bins of the "Baby Wines" in various stages of fermentation that would become part of the 2014 harvest wines. One of the Wente employees (who was driving a forklift through the area) unexpectedly stopped his vehicle, jumped down and headed towards me. He said, "I don't know you very well, but can I give you a hug?"
<lump in throat...teary-eyed even now remembering that act of sympathy and kindness...>

We also received so many generous donations for our fundraising cause from other local wineries, Steven and I are overwhelmed by your kindness. It really feels like we are in the tender arms of an extended family.

• Thank you to Downtown Livermore for all their thoughts, prayers, and generous donations to our cause as well.

Rachael Lavezzo Snedecor came into Steven & my life as a winery family member, when Steven first started working with his father in Livermore at Ivan Tamas Winery. I vaguely remember that there were about 17 wineries there at that time. (Now, there are now over 50!) Folks thought of Livermore as a Cowtown - but that "cowtown" has grown into a respected wine growing appellation, and downtown is a Main Street filled with cool places to shop and eat. I'm thinking we have to give props to Rachael and her peeps for that continuing effort and vision since she's now the Executive Director of Downtown Livermore, Inc.

Apparently, this fundraiser at The Vine Cinema & Alehouse was also Rachael's vision, too.  But as they say, "It takes a village" - or a Family, in this case. On January 14, 2015, all these Family members came together to support us in the most touching and generous way. Our SKW family coordinated amazing donations from the Livermore Wine Country/Downtown and created awesome baskets for raffles, too.

Thank you for all your generous contributions!

Family & Friends from near and far came together to support Steven & me and our children. We shared a movie together  - one of my favorites, "Parenthood" - and those that couldn't attend also donated.

Thank you to my "Carson Family" for attending and supporting us, too!

 It was a truly beautiful expression that Steven and I will never forget. And the funds that were raised will help us through the uncertain future that we have ahead.


So, this is my love letter to you: Thank you to ALL of our Livermore Family for making this possible. A thousand, million, trillion kisses and hugs to you for proving yet again how extraordinary you are - and how lucky we are to be a part of it.  LIVERMORE ROCKS!

Love, June AKA #MFBCFNW

_________________________________________________________________________________

P.S. I couldn't believe how many people had never seen "Parenthood" (the movie) before! Do yourself a favor and track it down. It's an oldie (1989), but a goodie!

And I leave you one of the great scenes from the "Parenthood" movie...

[Gil has been complaining about his complicated life; Grandma wanders into the room]
Grandma: You know, when I was nineteen, Grandpa took me on a roller coaster.
Gil: Oh?
Grandma: Up, down, up, down. Oh, what a ride!
Gil: What a great story.
Grandma: I always wanted to go again. You know, it was just so interesting to me that a ride could make me so frightened, so scared, so sick, so excited, and so thrilled all together! Some didn't like it. They went on the merry-go-round. That just goes around. Nothing. I like the roller coaster. You get more out of it. 

I like the roller coaster, too, Grandma. I could use a few less twists and turns for a little while, though...but I don't think we get to choose. And I guess that's part of the point....the thrill is the unknown. Not just going 'round and 'round.

The One in Which I Talk About Thanksgiving 2014, Family, and a Tiny, Little Bit About What Comes Next

Thanksgiving weekend is nearly over, and it was everything I thought it would be and more. Emotional, Comforting, Inspiring, Exhausting...

It was the same recipe in some respects as every other year: WINE, FOOD, FAMILY & FRIENDS!

WINE: Oh, did it mention the wine? We own a winery, after all. I mean, our Thanksgiving is always AT the winery!  So, many of the guests enjoyed a glass ....or three or more....of some very good stuff.

But since I'm a total teetotaler these days, the most I can do is smell the wines.

Side bar: Sorry, but I had to google that shit and find out why people are called teetotalers. I thought it was TEAtotaler because they mostly only drink tea (which is true in my case), but it's actually TEEtotaler, and involved a stuttering Englishman who promoted abstinence (not to be confused with absinthe) in the 1800's.

I read it on the interwebs, so it must be true....Bon Appetit Article

FOOD: There was sooooo much food! And I'm sure it was delicious! We do a potluck every year so we get a smattering of everyone''s favorite Thanksgiving dishes. But with the chemo/radiation and the mix of other medications that I take, let's just say, "food is not really my thang".  P.S. This is NOT a weight loss plan that I would endorse. You don't even have to bother reading the fine print.

FAMILY & FRIENDS: We pared down our guest list considerably because Thanksgiving landed at the end of my 4th week of treatments, and we really had no idea what I would be "up to".  But there was no question that Thanksgiving at the Winery was happening. It's Steven's favorite day of the year. And what's better than getting together with the ones you love? (Hey, you! Mr. Literal! That was a rhetorical question.)

We're missing Eric Coffey in this picture, but we'll fix it later with a little photoshopping.

We had the ole' familiar gang plus some family that came from far away especially this year. I am really, really not being bitter or cynical at all. I sincerely mean that. I was so happy to have everyone there!

But there is nothing like a potentially fatal disease to change people's holiday plans. I am so early in the diagnosis and treatment process that there is a whiff of, "Maybe she won't be alive next year," mixed in with aromas of turkey and sweet potatoes. I guess it would be stupid not to think of that at least a little.  I have let those thoughts float through my head as well - and right back out.

I have two things to say about that:
1) Anyone of us might be gone by Thanksgiving 2015. (Thank you for your uplifting insight, Captain Obvious!)
2) I look at things through my own specific lens. I do most things with purpose, and before I do them, I think:

It is productive?
What is your desired outcome? Will what you are doing now help you get there?

[FYI - This isn't some new thing that I've developed after my diagnosis. This has been my approach to life for a very, very long time. I would even dare to say that this is a "defining characteristic" for me.]

So, I ask myself, "It is productive to think/dwell on the fact that I might not be here next year?" What is my desired outcome? To live a fucking long time. Like decades. Another half century would be really good! Does focusing on the fact that I might die far sooner than that help me in my desired outcome? No, in fact, I would argue that it is extremely counter-productive. 

So, I spent my time this Thanksgiving enjoying the place and the people and the moments. It was a gorgeous autumn day in the Bay Area. ~70 degrees and sunny. Groups spent a lot of time out on the patio drinking wine, eating cheese, and admiring the foliage on the vines.  Some people congregated in the kitchen as the finishing touches were put on dishes. And we all gathered in the barrel room for the feast and had the traditional go-around-the-table-and-say-what-we're-thankful-for tradition. (We are aware of how much the younger generation hates this, but make them do it anyway. Either because we're cruel, or someday they might thank us. I'll let you decide. Often they have the most insightful things to say anyway.)

I insisted on going first, bucking tradition, because I was afraid I was going to forget what I wanted to say (#chemobrain). Of course, I wanted to express my gratitude to all my family and friends, near and far, who have supported us through this shitty, shitty time. If you weren't there, here is a recap: I said, "THANK YOU!"

But I also wanted to specifically address my children publicly. I talk about Schmoopy AKA the Bald Hottie a lot, but I don't talk about my kids very often on this blog. Not because I don't think about them ALL THE TIME, but my feelings are so raw and deep. And I know that they are so strong in front of me to not add to my stress/burden, but this is a shitty, shitty time for them, too. I know that.

I don't know how we ended up lined up like this - clearly, it's not in height order because I'm the shortest by far...

I am so grateful to have them in my lives. But I am also extremely grateful that they have each other in their lives. I have never seen a sibling group that was so supportive and loving and strong. I asked them if they have a name for their group. "Mirassou Siblings" doesn't do them justice. Then again, they aren't nearly as hokey as their Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior (#mfbcfnw) mom. Whatever! They need a hashtag at least, though, right?And I am so grateful that I had the good sense to pick a man for their father who is the rock that we cling to right now. Although shaving his head has made him slipperier.

P.S. You will undoubtedly see a shift in my blog focus as I finish this chemo/radiation treatment cycle. (2 weeks to go! Woot!!) I am starting to think about the "after initial treatment" part of my life. I'm actively thinking about the "Now what?" and making plans. Which is a big ball of Excitement and Anxiety rolled up in a ball we call LIFE. Stay Tuned!

The One in Which I Answer Some Questions...and then Talk About Some I Can't Answer

How is my treatment going?
I began week 3 of treatments yesterday! Yay, ME!  Since I have 6 weeks, and I have 2 weeks done, that would 2/6  or 1/3 done...(See, Fifth Grade Math can be very useful!) and that's just chemo, which I take 7 days a week.

Radiation is 5 days a week times 6 weeks, which a total of 30 days. I've had 9 radiation treatments so far, or 9/30 <--which, in simplest form is 3/10 (Fifth Graders, rock on!) In percentages, I can be more accurate though...that's 30%!
and if you don't know how I got that answer, ask a fifth grader. (Although with Common Core, everything's different, so they might say, "Tomatoes plus cucumbers divided by garlic equals gazpacho.")
I kid. I kid.*

After your six week treatment, then what?
That's a tricky one because there are parts that I can answer and parts that I can't answer...So I'll do the best I can:

After the 6 weeks of treatment, they're going to give my brain a vacation of sorts (I'd really like to go to Key West, but the doctors seem dubious about insurance paying for that.) Then I start taking the same chemo 5 days per month and being "off" for the rest of the month. And I will get regular MRI's to monitor the dealio (which is not actually a technical term, but which sounds way more friendly and innocuous than "tumor cell growth".) As long as things are copacetic, we just keep on, keepin' on.

Beyond this is the stuff that I don't have the answers. Because I don't have a crystal ball, but I do have a Magic 8 ball, and that's nearly as good, right?  It says <shake, shake, shake!>....wait for it....

copacetic! (Amazing! What are the odds???)

If the Magic 8 ball happens to be wrong, I could then go with a Ouiji board...but we all know that someone always cheats with that shit. And that is when we enter into questions that I cannot answer at this time.

So...Moving On!

What are your plans after the 6 Week treatment is over?
I have some big plans after this 6 week treatment is over! They say that it can take between 2-6 months after treatment to start feeling like "your old self". But since I'm a Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior, I give it ...
2-6 months. Hey, we're bad ass, but we are human. This isn't CGI!

Some things I'm really looking forward to after treatment:

My family is getting together for the December holidays!!!
We are still hammering out the details but my folks will be here in California, and we're working on a place that will accommodate us all. Or preferably two smaller places - one in which the doggies can roam freely, and another in which my dad can NOT have the dogs roam freely. I'll probably still be pretty wiped out since my treatment will have just ended 2 weeks before, but...all I want is to be able give and get lots of hugs and kisses, and nap and walk and laugh a LOT. All of which sounds totally doable, no? Just thinking about having all of us together makes me a little giddy!

But wait! There's more! <said in my best Ron Popeil voice>
(Kiddies, google that shit. I even gave you convenient link to google on the top right of the page. At least until google sends me a cease and desist letter.)

I'm going to be a grandma!!!!! 

Autumn Elizabeth is due the last week of February/first week of March 2015.
She will probably look cuter than this when she arrives, but Awwwwww!

I'm soooooo excited to be the obnoxious grandmother that I always promised that I would be. And when I say, "obnoxious", I mean it in the best possible sense. Like, buying her cute little cowboy boots and insisting on holding her for long times when April & Coffey come to visit....not "obnoxious" like buying her first cigarettes and encouraging her to drop out of high school to start a band.

Steven & I are hosting a winemaker cruise down the Seine April 2 - 9, 2015

I know it was almost sold out the last time I heard, but if you're interested, click here for more info. 

I'm almost excited about this as about being a grandma (I'm totally lying. How could that be???? Impossible!) But it's gonna be SWEEEEET! It starts and finishes in Paris, going to Normandy (HISTORY GEEK ALERT!!! I've never been to Normandy!), and we are going to be pouring some kick ass wine on board the ship! Woooot!
I'm sorry. That wasn't very professional of me. Sorry, SKW Management Team! Good thing that I have a #freepass! Xoxoxo

Daughter, Katherine, is graduating for University California- Santa Barbara in June. 
Well, she will actually be finished with her classes in March, but she will walk in June. See, UC's are on a quarter system. Which means that you have to take more classes and have less time to finish them. And if you ask me, that is some Common Core bullshit.* UC Santa Barbara is a bitchin' school, though. Excellent academic reputation and RIGHT ON THE PACIFIC OCEAN. Seriously? The first time I googled that shit, I thought it was a joke.

You see what I mean??I

I leave you with a hilarious link that Alison Cohn Jameson shared with me on FB. It gives you some insight into what happens to a Ninja when they are not quite feeling themselves.

*I really have no gripe about Common Core. It's just such an easy target.

Then & Now ... And a personal message to my children

Several people have asked me how I'm adjusting to the new life/schedule I'm living. A completely valid question because it really is so different from what I was experiencing just 2 months ago. So, I thought I would elaborate on what it was like "Then & Now"

Then:
Early Morning - On a typical day I would wake up early - about 5:00 a.m. - and screw around on the computer for a little while. This is a habit that I developed a long, long time ago, when my children were very little. This early morning "me" time was a chance to catch up on the world and not have all waking hours be about diapers and meals and backpacks and such. As my kids have grown, the habit has persisted. I have used the time to catch up on family and friends on Facebook, answer emails, and pin frivolous pictures on Pinterest of "ridiculously cute animals" and "vacation spots I want to visit". And there was fair amount (read: too much) coffee consumed during this time.

The Typical Day - Around 6:00 a.m., I would begin transitioning to work mode - thinking about the day ahead. In my job this year, as an Intervention Specialist, I was responsible for all General Education Students (K-5) who might be struggling academically. Without boring you too much...I'll try to explain: This involves keeping track of lots of data/reports from various Adaptive Technology programs and assessments.  I used this data to make decision about WHO would be in my intervention groups and WHAT I would working on with them. The first four weeks of school, I was also giving the teachers a lot of support about how to use the adaptive technology and determining who would best benefit from the interventions, so I had only really been meeting with my groups about 2 weeks when the proverbial shit hit the fan. My schedule was 8:00 a.m. - 3:15 p.m., with about 1 hour blocks with each of my intervention groups, and a block set aside in mid-day for more reports/lesson planning.

I worked some weekends, too, at the winery. I had started to work in the Steven Kent tasting room in April 2014, and I loved, loved, loved going in there and spending time with my SKW Family.  Although they'd known me as "Steven's wife" for quite a long time, we were really bonding as a team.

And they were learning how quirky I really am: how I like to sing and dance on my shifts, and make stupid jokes, and that I would always "take one for the team" if someone needed a second opinion after opening a new bottle, and they weren't sure if it was okay to pour for our guests.  Because I'm selfless like that. <snortle!> Oh, and yea! I loved interacting with the guests, talking to them about the wine and the history of the winery, etc.

September 23rd, The Shit Hit the Fan

Now:
There were so many things that were so predictable in my life, but what happened on September 23rd (and after) was NOT predictable at all. A lot has/is changing week-to-week...even day-to-day. I won't even count the week of my surgery and when I first got home from the hospital because that was like being hit by a bus. And would you really ask anybody, "How was your day?" after they had been hit by a bus? That's not your usual day.

But now, we've (sort of) settled into a new routine. I still get up early in the morning because my meds make me sleepy by 9:00 p.m., and plus, I've had that long nap in the afternoon (see below). I still like to check in with my family and friends on Facebook, and screw around on Pinterest. I especially like finding ridiculously cute animals because they make me smile. I've even branched out to Reddit because that's where nearly every image that you see on Pinterest originates. Check out it! I'm not lying. Look for the subreddit "aww.
And if you don't know what a "subreddit" is, ask your kid - or grandkid.
And of course, I've started writing this blog, which takes a good couple hours of my morning.
I've replaced the coffee with herbal tea.
That's really the only changes to my morning: Blog, Tea, and Reddit.

But by 8:00 a.m. I start taking my meds. It keeps changing as they are STILL trying to figure out how to better control my seizures. Right now, I take:
7 pills at 8 a.m.,
1 pill at 9 a.m.,
1 pill, at 12:00 p.m.,
1 pill at 2:30 p.m,
1 pill at 4:30 p.m
4 pills at 8:00 p.m.
1 pill at 9:00 p.m
Thank goodness there is an app for that!What did they do in the olden days? Oh, right! They didn't have modern medicine! Suckas!

The app we're using is called Medisafe. I'm sure there are others, but isn't this a cute picture? Look at the puppy!

Unfortunately, the med. that I take at 2:30 p.m. makes me very, very sleepy, so that is usually followed by a very, very long nap. (We're working on trying alternatives because as much as I like naps, 1-1/2 to 2 hours a day could better spent.) And all the anti-seizure meds make me a little slow, especially with my speech. But the trade-off is that I don't have general (grand mal) seizures, so that's  "the lesser of the two evils" territory.

Besides the nap, I have a standing date with Radiologist for the next 6 weeks, Monday - Friday, 11:00 a.m., where I get to lie on a space age table and have my brain zapped while I wear the Mask of Horror. By the way, I get to listen to my own playlists, so if you want to suggest some songs to get me through a session, that'd be sweet!

And once a week, I'll be at the oncologist for blood work and such. The neurosurgeon needs to follow up with an MRI soon. (Let me tell ya'..Atavan is my new best friend on MRI days!) Plus, we're connected now with the UCSF Neuro-oncology department, which has its own set of appointments...
Let's just wrap this puppy up and say that there are A LOT of doctors appointments.

Every morning, I take about 15 minutes making a green juice for Steven and me, and then about 20 minutes cleaning all the nooks and crannies of the juice maker. Apparently, fiber is messy. But green juice is REALLY good for you. Google that shit. © [Geek alert! I just found out how to make the copyright symbol on a mac by ....googling that shit!] Unfortunately, I don't actually have the copyright for the phrase because I know I could make millions! Millions, I tell ya'!

And I've become a bit of a germ-a-phobe. Steven called me "Howard Hughes" the other day. And I've NEVER been "that kind of person", but I am always thinking about who touched the escalator rail before me and how disgusting the shopping carts could be (are). I use my elbows as much as possible to open/close doors, etc. No, it's not about ebola. It's about everything! I'm currently taking chemo, which leaves me very vulnerable to infection. So, don't be offended if I wash my hands after we shake hands.  Or if I offer to rub elbows instead.

One of the unexpected, but lovely changes in our routines is that Steven and I go for a walk pretty much every day. As I've gotten stronger, we've been tackling "the hill" (Communications Hill). We walk, hand-in-hand, and talk about small stuff and big stuff...and sometimes don't talk at all.

Shorty and the Bald Hotty on Communications Hill

Every once-in-a-while, one of us will look at each other and say, "I love you." and the other says, "I love you, too"...and (this is practically mandatory), the first one says, "No, I really love you."
 Just to clarify. This is not a new routine. This has been a part of our routine for a long time. Schmoopy couples do that. It's in the manual. Look it up. Only it's probably not online yet.
[Note to self: Make a Schmoopy Couple Manual]

Probably the biggest bummer I've encountered in my new day-to-day existence is this:
I've gone from being the one who worries about everybody else to being the one about whom everyone worries. Especially my children. When my kids got old enough that they could be away from me, we've had this long-standing understanding that I just needed to know where they were. I'm a very visual person, so I thought of it in this way. You know how google maps has these little red pins to tell you where places are? Well, I picture each of my children as having a red flag, and as long as I know where each red flag is, I feel (semi) comfortable. If not: I'm calling and texting until I FIND the red flag.

But now we've entered a new domain.. with a new map. And suddenly, my kids are worried about me. And I'm causing them stress and anxiety and even sadness...Inevitable, I guess. But it seems like, to me, that I'm far too young to be entering into that domain. And it bums me out.

You've probably noticed that I don't write much about my children on blog. This is why.

But this part is for them. Personally.

My dear, dear children:
I love you more than I can possibly say. I don't have words. And I don't want to cause you pain or sadness or stress. Some of that is out of my hands. But I'll tell you what. I know you feel helpless right now, but there is something you can do:

 If you want to make me happy, what makes me the most happy is to see YOU happy.*

Annual Christmas Eve Mirassou Sibling Pajama & Movie Night

And I'm going to fight like a Mother Fuckin' Ninja Warrior to see as much of this as possible. That's what I'm fighting FOR.

*I'm posting this here, publicly, so the people who are supporting YOU - including each other -  can remind of you of this when you feel sad and confused and don't know what to do.