The One in Which I Talk About Goal Setting While I (MIGHT BE) Living with Cancer

This is the time of year when everyone begins to reflect on what they've accomplished so far, and what they want to accomplish in the next year. This has been a tricky thing for me, this year, as I factor in the idea that I might be living with cancer.

Forgive me. I need to interrupt here for a hot second...

Before I launch into this topic, I just have to make this clear to everyone. Some of you get it. Some of you don't. So, I have to lay it all out there. I might be living with cancer.  Yes, even after the treatments I've gone through. If you want to know more of the specifics of what that means to me/us, click on the page "Living with GBM and My Medically Now What?" Regardless of whether I am looking at a recurrence in my future, I am forever changed, physically and mentally (literally). I felt like I needed to get that out of the way because it's been increasingly obvious to me that some of you think that I'm on the road to recovery, and when I'm done, I'll be a "survivor" going about my Old Normal June ways...Old Normal is gone. Forever. My family and I are still working through what that means to us. But we are acknowledging, accepting, and adjusting to this new reality.

Now that we're all on the same page... Let's proceed...

Goal Setting While I MIGHT BE Living with Cancer:
My New Reality is trying to balance my desire to control what I can in my life while accepting that My Grand Plans could go Ka-Blooey! in a heart beat based on what my medical team says from month-to-month. And it's a very uncomfortable place for me these days.

I've been a goal setter for a long time...A serious goal setter for about 20 years. That's when I discovered Stephen Covey and his book, "First Things First" -- It's all about consciously focusing on what matters most in your life and making sure your life reflects that. That doesn't mean that I/we always succeed in that, but it is all about intention and focus.

[If you haven't heard of Covey's work, I highly recommend you do some research of your own. There are lots of resources online to get you started - and he has several books out if you are into that sort of thing. This is the perfect time to do it, too, when everyone is motivated to make changes in the New Year. Damn. I wish I could get a little commission on that...but let's just call it "Paying it Forward" and move on, shall we? ]

At the core of it all is that you are deliberately looking at your life and the various "roles" you play, intentionally identifying what you want to BE/ACCOMPLISH in this area of your life, and then setting up a plan to make it happen through Goal Setting.

Goals should be SMART:

Specific

Measurable

Attainable

Realistic

Timely

Some of you are rolling your eyes at me right now. I see you! (You didn't know that Ninja Warriors have the superpower to see through your computer screen? Silly, silly you!) No, you're right. The concept has been around a long, long time. Kiddies, just because something is old/not new doesn't mean it's not valuable. Look at Beanie Babies and Pokemon cards. Okay, maybe not good examples...

A BETTER EXAMPLE...

(History Geek Alert!!) The origins of  Benjamin Franklin's the Art of Virtue: His Formula for Successful Living dates back to an idea he had in 1726, at age 20! He took a different approach - identifying 13 "virtues" or life principles that he felt were essential.. Each week, he would focus on one of them until he completed the cycle, and then he'd start over again.
I don't know if it's a true story, but I have heard it said that he had a hard time with #13 - Humility - after going through the first 12 virtues successfully. Which is pretty damn funny, considering what we know about Franklin and his ...eh hem...shall we say "weaknesses" as far as Temperance, Chastity, and Moderation go.... Who knows? Maybe he only focused on one a week, so that left him with a clear conscience the other weeks to engage in debauchery to his heart's content? Whatever the truth, overall, he was a pretty accomplished guy, so he was on to something, I think...

Sorry, my history geek self has gone completely amuck...#Freepass!

What I am getting at is ....
Things are different for me right now as a Planner/Goal Setter who might be living with cancer. But should they be? That's what I'm struggling with right now.

What's got me all twisted up? I can certainly make my goals SPECIFIC and MEASURABLE. The tricky part is...are they ATTAINABLE and/or REALISTIC? I'm talking about not knowing the New Normal June - which I'm guessing is going to be changing over time, too - and not knowing what is attainable/realistic for HER. errrr...ME! (What the heck? When did I morph into Elmo and start talking about myself in the third person???)

EXHIBIT A:
I registered to complete a half-marathon in Livermore on March 28, 2015  - way back in the summer 2014. Notice I said, "COMPLETE". I can hear some of my long-time runner friends saying...
Them: "Complete? You mean, RUN, right?"
ME: Uh...NO, I don't mean run. I mean, just cross the finish line after covering 13.1 miles on foot.
Them: But you've run three full marathons and several half-marathons already. You're worried about finishing a half?
ME: Ummm...YEA.

The problem is...I have NO IDEA if this realistic for me - in this next stage of my New Normal- undergoing continuing treatment which includes monthly chemo cycles. And, go figure, there are not a lot of resources out there one way of the other from other people going through the same thing. Trust me. There isn't a Half-Marathon Training Plan for Post-Brain Surgery/Radiation/Chemo Cancer Patients out there...

This is where I enter the confusing territory of...Am I just plain stubborn and/crazy? (uh. maybe you shouldn't answer that one...)  But just so you don't jump to the conclusion that I am completely crazy - Steven and I have been walking nearly every day (2-3 miles) - including The Hill - during my whole course my treatment, and I'm envisioning just adding on 1 mile a week to one of the weekend walks ...Seems pretty do-able to me...but the hell do I know?

How far does one push the envelope to see what we are capable of doing before we've gone too far?  I don't want to limit myself and stop taking chances. But I also want to LIVE as long as I possible can, and that MAY mean accepting that some goals are counter-productive in that respect.
Of course, Steven and I have discussed this issue. The logical first step is to talk to my medical team about the REALISTIC and ATTAINABLE part with them. But given the lack of data I see online, I wonder just how much they really know. And then there's the issue of there being just ONE June "Outlier" AKA #MFBCFNW, which is a very shallow statistical data pool indeed.

I'm not even going to get into the TIMELY thing...TIME SPECIFIC?  That's a "whole 'nother can of worms", as they say... Why do they say that? Google that shit, my friend... Imagine the poor English Language Learners that come to America and try to understand the convoluted, mishmash of nonsense that comes out of our mouths sometimes?

Speaking of which, I'm afraid this particular blog post is about as clear as mud...and I apologize. But that is where I am right now in my journey. I feel like the security of knowing what was going to happen each day during the initial treatment kept me tethered and safe to some degree. This wait-and-see crap just isn't my bag, Baby. But more and more, I'm beginning to realize that it is part of the New Normal June's Life.  Sometimes I feel like Sandra Bullock in Gravity - scared out of my wits and floating in space.

Wouldn't it be nice if it ended for me just like her? Landing on some soft sand with an ass of a 20 year old? A girl dream, can't she?

The One in Which I Start my Last Week of Treatment and Talk about HOPE

Last Friday seemed like it's been a tipping point for me in my treatments. I mentioned that I started my "boosts" on Thursday, and I was wiped out in the afternoon, with a headache and slowed down speech. The doctor increased my dosage of steroids on Friday and cautioned me against pushing myself too hard. When he heard about our daily 3 mile walk up Communications Hill, the radiologist's eyebrows went a little wonky. They want me to exercise as I feel up to it, but not go too crazy. Moderation? Oh, yea! That's totally me! (not.) But I'm trying to balance my longer term goals with my recovery. Pssst! Hint: Recovery comes first! And I'm pretty sure my radiologist knows more about this stuff then I do....

Sure enough, I woke up feeling drained and spent most of Saturday in bed, nestled under blankets and reading online/watching Netflix. (Query: Is it possible to get to the END of Netflix?)

They say a little exercise can actually combat the fatigue, so I went on a little, leisurely 2 mile flat loop walk around the neighborhood with Steven in the late afternoon - No Hill!

And I was feeling better by Sunday morning.
<insert superhero sound effect here>
I made juice for all of us, walked Communications Hill with Steven, and even made lemon bars for "the guys" in the afternoon...Then I spent the better part of the late afternoon/evening in bed before having a fitful sleep (probably a side effect of the increased steroids). I may need to back off the Communications Hill workout - at least until the end of this week. What was that word again? Moderation. moderation....I'll keep trying...

Side note: someone responded on Facebook about this article about Communications Hill saying that they didn't think that it was actually the name of the hill - but rather something that I had just made up. Haha! I guess it would make sense because that's where Steven & I do a lot of talking...but if you read the article, I guess people do a lot of...<eh hem> "communicating" - and other things -  up there, too, that the residents don't like very much. Doh!

See, I was going to insert the obvious Clint Eastwood, "Get off my lawn" picture, but it was too cute to pass up!

As I've mentioned already, as my initial 6-week treatment is ending, it's time to switch into the "Now What?" mode. For 6 weeks, I had it planned all out for me, and the path was really clear. So, in reaching back out into the interwebs and reading about Long Term Survivors. I stumbled on a document from The National Coalition for Cancer Survivorship called, "Self-Advocacy: A Cancer Survivor's Handbook" (a very good read if you or someone you know is living with cancer). But this lead me to another document that I've been mulling over in my mind:

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN HOPEFUL" <--- click for document!

It was published in 2008, so maybe there's a newer version, but this one is free to read online, and I felt like it said so many things that I've been thinking and feeling, I wanted to share it with you. It's related to cancer survivorship, but I think it could be relevant to anyone in a very challenging situation.

As you can probably see from the more serious nature of my blog this past week, I'm definitely going through a transition period. Steven and I discussed yesterday how hard it is to remain optimistic in a world that can be so cynical and pessimistic. So, it really hit me when I got to this part of the article that makes a clear distinction between: wishing, optimism, and HOPE.  I'll leave you to read the details if you're curious.  
Aside: Don't you hate when you go to a presentation or professional development and someone just reads the words from the PPT slides??? Uh...thanks, but I can read for myself. Do you have anything new to add to the discussion???
P.S. There are a lot of good quotes about HOPE in there, though, if that's any incentive.

Despite my drugged up state in the hospital before and after my surgery, one of the few things that I remember was meeting my neurosurgeon, oncologist, and radiologist and all of them using the word "hope"and "hopeful" repeatedly. Whatever they were saying to me was probably very deep and meaningful - and I'm sure Steven understood it - but what I was mostly thinking is:

"Whoa! This is trippy!"

So,  I hadn't thought that much about HOPE as a concept until now.


Okay, I said I wasn't going to read from the article and I was going to let you read it yourself...and I swear, I'm not usually a liar, but this is so good....so much better than I could have said it:

Hope is “mental willpower plus waypower for goals.” Willpower, in this definition is “the driving force to hopeful thinking.” It is a sense of mental energy that helps move a person toward a goal. Waypower, the second component in the hope equation, is the mental capacity used to find a way to reach your goals. It reflects the mental plans or road maps that guide hopeful thought.

That sounds like another Good Will Hunting type of equation, doesn't it? I'm no genius, but the main part I get out of it is: HOPE is more than just wishing that something good will happen or expecting that it will happen (being optimistic), but HOPE is directly tied in with positive beliefs, goal setting, and a sense of self-empowerment...(plus a huge dose of adaptation on the side) <-- I added that last part. So, sue me. #freepass

What struck me the most in my first read of this article is the idea that "Hope is individualistic," -  that the way your hope develops is dependent on your family culture..."and it important to realize family differences with regard to hope."  huh. So, of course, I start thinking about the family that I grew up and what hope meant to us.... and the family we have now and what hope means to us... Newsflash: I could write an entire book on that, and this post is already ridiculous long! Sorry! So just FYI - I'm just opening up a dialogue about this...

I was deeply influenced by my own family's sense of HOPE. And I think that Steven and I have passed that along to our own children. We were instilled with the belief that if you set goals and work hard, you can usual attain them. (As long as the goal were realistic. It doesn't even have to be likely. It could be highly unlikely. For example: Anyone of us could have president of the U.S. But we didn't encourage the idea of hoping you could be a unicorn - at least after a certain age of childlike wonder.)

Bottom line: We were deeply steeped in a sense of self-empowerment. And I believe we've passed these beliefs on to our own children.

Big ah-ha moment for me: I've had plenty of willpower (I'm a Mother Fuckin Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior, after all) - throughout my life and during this shitty two months -  but this transition period is about tapping into the "waypower". The good news is that I've used "waypower", too, to reach my goals -  to create training schedules to run marathons and half-marathons, go back to school and get my teaching credential in 2003 (with four kids), etc.

But I've never applied it to this situation. I think this time, I'm not going to be able to do it alone. I'm going to need the help of my family, friends, and medical team, It's scary as hell because there's no clear path, and Steven and I are going to have to make decisions without clear right or wrong answers. Hint: if you think that you have the "right answer" you probably shouldn't share with us - at least with that filter -  because we know enough to know that there isn't yet a CURE AKA "right answer". 

But we have to "develop mental plans and road maps" to guide us toward our goal:

to be a 

Long Term Survivor.

This is one of the great quotes from the article that I'll leave you with:

No matter what befalls me, I feel commanded to choose life. You cannot give in to despair. You may hit bottom, but even then you have a choice. And to choose life means an obligation not merely to survive, but to live. ~ Nessa Rapoport