I know it's completely normal to feel fear when one is diagnosed with cancer. I've read it, heard it, and experienced it. What one fears is not the same for everyone. That's seems normal as well. I remember my friend, Jeanne, who recently passed from pancreatic cancer, expressed a lot of fear about the pain in the end. That is not the fear that I try to push to the dark recesses of my mind. Maybe I'm naive, but I believe there is enough modern medicine out there for me to avoid a lot of pain in the end. If I'm wrong, don't feel the need to set me straight. This is one of those situations where ignorance is truly bliss.
As much as I try to avoid it, I do have fear that bubbles up to the surface. My fear is that I'm going to miss so many things in life by dying "young". REALLY young people who are reading this blog are thinking, "What?!?! Is she off her nut? She's 50 years old! That's not young!" But older people understand what I'm saying. I'm a mother of four children, adults (mostly): 28, 24, 22, and 20. But I've got so much of their lives to see. I've been married 25 lucky years to my Schmoopy, but I thought I had at least double that to fill our lives with memories. I fear missing the weddings, the births, the family gatherings at Game Nights, Thanksgiving and Christmas, trips with my Schmoopy...or just sitting out in the evening around a fire pit and talking and laughing...
I swear that my tumor must be near some area of my brain that controls emotions because I cry at the drop of a hat, and I can't seem to control it. I mean really CRY - the kind of crying where you can't even talk so that anyone can understand what you're saying. And I breathe deep when it starts to come on, thinking that I will get my words out before the waterworks start, but it's hopeless. I cry like that at some point on most walks with Steven. I used to apologize, but now he tells me it wouldn't feel like an official walk if I didn't cry at least once. I told you our walks are like my therapy!
So, know when I write about this subject, I'm a mess: tears streaming down my face and strangled sobs in my throat. #sorrynotsorry
<grabbing tissues and wiping my face dry>
<Deep Breaths>
When I was first diagnosed and (mostly) recovered from my surgery, and I decided that I was a Mother Fucking Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior! (Rawwr!) I took a bulletin board out of the garage and re-purposed it. I hung it up and thought about everything that I wanted to experience in the next 6 months - things that I was fighting for.
As cards and email and letters poured in from June's Warriors, I hung those up around the board and I regularly gazed at that corner as I was getting ready for the day.
This weekend the family went down to watch Katherine graduate from UC Santa Barbara. As I was waiting for Katherine to walk down the aisle for her commencement, I realized that this was the last event that I had pinned to my bulletin board. As I started to tear up, I tried to express this to my father and husband (whom I was sitting between), and after several attempts to talk through my blubbering tears, I got the message across. My father leaned over and gave me a big hug and kiss on the head. (A moment I wouldn't ever want to miss - see how that works?)
Both of them said the same thing: "Better get some new goals up there ASAP!" As soon as I got home from UCSB, I started my latest chemo cycle, so I'm not all that spry, but the more that I've been thinking about it, the more that this assignment seemed too pressing to wait until my chemo cycle was over on Friday.
Yesterday, I unpinned each card and message from all of you - reread them and smiled (yes, and cried - #freepass!), as well as my pictures of my goals and tucked them in a basket that I now have in my "meditation corner". The positive energy emanating from that basket must be off the charts!
By the time I finished that, I had to lie down, take some anti-nausea meds, and binge watch some more "Orange is the New Black" and nap. So, I woke up this morning with a blank bulletin board. That seemed like really bad karma, so I set to work importing and printing my new goals.
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| New board includes room for more goals as I think of them... |
The first time I did this, I was afraid to go too far beyond 6 months. Why? I'm not sure. I guess that my prognosis was so shitty that I couldn't get my brain to dream beyond that. This time, I've gone into next year. My last goal up on the board is to attend Autumn Elizabeth's first birthday. But I think maybe I'm allowing the "F" word (FEAR - what did you think I was talking about?!) to interfere with my goals. And what do I really have to lose by planning for something in 2017, 2018? Wouldn't it be something if I were to witness Autumn's first dance at HER wedding?
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| April & Coffey's first dance - (Notice my parents in the background.) |
A ninja warrior can dream, can't she? Yes, she can!
My wife and I have been able to have those talks about things we might miss, as we both dealt with cancer over the last 2 years. On top of the normal things (graduations, anniversaries, the trip to France that we haven't done yet, marriages, grandchildren, etc.) we each raised one other point. Her point was that she finds it very unfair and maddening that there's so much about the universe that we don't know and will likely never know or understand. She wants to be around long enough for people to figure that sh*t out, so she understands better how the universe works. After that long explanation and story from my wife, she asked me what would bother me. I said I was mad that I wouldn't know who won the World Series the next year. I think she threw something at me, telling that it wasn't something big and important. But, I told her it was. The universe will just go on, not noticing that I'm gone. And that my lifelong love affair with baseball isn't reciprocated by the sport, so they will just keep playing, and someone will win the Series, and I'll be gone and not know about it. I think we both just agreed to agree that we'll squeeze in as much as we can in the time that we have, and maybe the secrets of the universe will be revealed in time.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine you both dealing with cancer over the past two years! Ack! I'm sorry you had to go through that! And I hope things are better now. Your "love affair" with baseball is an interesting perspective on the whole thing. My husband is a FANATIC about basketball - the Golden State Warriors to be exact (It was a good year for them/him, no doubt). I'll have to ask about that on our next walk! :) And I would love to hear details about impending trip to France!
DeleteI would like you to add 'Have smoothie drinks with Jill at the vineyard" to that next set of goals. I don't care if we're bundled up like Nanook in January we're gonna do that! And we can cry together too :)
ReplyDeleteCancer is a big frickin' bag of what if's that we carry around, even when it's 'technically' cured. Barely a day goes by that I don't think, what if I'm not here for.... and yes, there's a lot of crying that goes on. It's just the way it is I suppose. It's been almost 7 years and I've never found a way around/through dealing with that mind set. So I guess I've just accepted that it's the way it is, which means you're totally normal!!!
XOXO from Hazy, Hot & Humid DC!
JPM :)
You have officially been added to The Board - and Bonus! As of Sept. 1st, it's looking like we will be living on the vineyard - not the winery, but the actual vineyard where most of our fruit comes from - (If all this "lawyerly" stuff finally gets finished), so we can really have wine/smoothies overlooking the vines. Yay!
DeleteNo one can take away your dreams...keep counting up and fighting like a "ninja" and so many new things lie ahead!! ♥
ReplyDeleteThank you, Sue! My plan is to fight like a ninja until the there's no fight left. And stupid irony - tell all the folks on "the board" that I'm almost 10 pounds below my goal weight at time. Like I said, a little too extreme weight loss program for most! :)
DeleteJune I admire your truthfulness and pray for your recovery. God bless and keep you in good spirits and health.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your kind words and prayers. As my mom always says, "From your lips to God's ears!" <3
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