I've talked a bit about my "cognitive deficits" as a result of my tumor and treatment. At first, it was really noticeable because I was having a little trouble actually articulating words. My tumor was on my motor strip, around where my mouth/lips, etc. are controlled, so that was not a surprise. I had a bit of mumbly-mouth, which is getting better and better.
What has become evident is that my short term memory is also affected. Like, you could give a small list of things to remember, wait 5 minutes while we talk, then ask me to repeat the list, and I will likely forget one or two of them. Thank goodness for paper and electronic devices to write things down so I don't always have to remember them, right?
One problem that has come up ...well, I'll just say it: I'm not always right anymore. (vis-a-vis Steven) Sometimes someone else will ask Steven and me a question like, "What day is..." or "How many people will..." At first I would confidently give my answer, and Steven would disagree. And THEN, to add insult to injury...he's right? (Wha?!?!)
I am only partly being a smartass. Really. I used to be the go-to girl with the right answer. Now, with my short term memory...I'd bet on Steven's answer (almost) every time.
Also, I also have lost easy access to some of my vocabulary. It's in there, but jumbled around. That can make my speech seem a little "off" in rhythm sometimes as I search for the right word. I use the analogy of file folders. Each file folder has "stuff" (words/phrases/pictures) related to a certain subject. Some things you say over and over again, and they are pretty well glued to that file folder. Other words and phrases - you don't use frequently. Maybe, you've only heard it, but never even said it.) So, imagine someone coming along and messing with your folders - giving them a good shake - and words and phrases NOT glued down, float around, and settle ...somewhere! in my brain. Apparently my file folder labelled "curse words" is well-established and glued in tight. I have no trouble retrieving those mother fuckers. I am working on retrieving other words floating around in my brain and neatly putting them back in their folders for quick retrieval. This
Back to Steven and me. He has the graciousness to NOT supply with a word I can't come with right away. He's super patient and waits until I ask him, "What's that word?? You know..." Sometimes it's laziness; sometimes the word is just nowhere to be found. So, we're a good team in that respect.
On the other hand....
It is a well-known fact that Steven has legitimate'hearing deficits" - confirmed by a visit to an ENT and scans, etc. He can hear noises in the high range and the low range, but the middle range (the range in which people SPEAK) is hard for him to hear. So, when he started saying, 'What? What?" a lot more to me, it was particularly frustrating since I was working HARD to speak clearly, and was then having to repeat the process. And he blamed it on me talking too softly...yea, right.
But this week, my speech therapist said, "Have you always been a soft talker?" (Wha?!?!) She said she sometimes has to lean in to hear me - in a small room with no windows and only the two of us. Ummm...no, I was never a "soft talker" B.C.
Son-of-a-Bitch!!! Steven's right again!?!? <pouty face>
So, I have been humbled yet again by this disease and have another goal to work on during speech therapy.The fact is that this experience...is changing our relationship. How could it not? I was going to elaborate on how, but I forgot what I was going to say, so, yea...ask Steven!
Love, June Xoxoxo #mfbcfnw
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