The One in Which I Share (some) of my Hokey Playlist

Awkward hair - scar side #thisisreallife #braincancer mfbcfnw

I revealed in my last post that I'm slightly very hokey. I think I used to be embarrassed about that 'cause I would never be "cool", but I've long ago embraced my inner hokey-ness (Kiddies, I think I just made up that word, so don't use it and blame it on me. But you can tell people that you learned from ME that "cool" is not that important in life.) Hokey-ness is a secret ingredient that fuels my Ninja Powers, after all.

I've also admitted that I have a weakness for emotionally manipulative tunes. Most of my family looks at music in a whole different way.They dissect lyrics and have gigabytes of tunes on their computers. Let's just say that my playlists are NEVER played with anyone else in the car...okay, that's not exactly true. Sometimes Steven will tolerate them briefly.

So, they're really my driving or walking alone playlists. Many of them, I made when I was going through radiation treatment because they will pipe in your own music - which helped me a lot to remain calm and focused.  Like I said, now that I'm done with radiation, my playlists are pretty much for my solo walks or drives. I recently sneaked one in while driving with Steven.  I played the first three songs for Steven,  and he said, "What are you trying to do? Make me cry?" (For the record, I did make him cry, but he cries at commercials and stuff, so it wasn't on  purpose or a big triumph or anything.)

On my walk yesterday, I was listening to that same playlist, and  I thought I'd share those songs with you -- even though, yes, they're definitely not cool. They make me feel inspired and empowered.

 The first song is "Fight Song". I had seen a video posted online, and it inspired me to make a new playlist that I call "Cancer Fighting". You have probably heard this song on the radio, especially if you have a 'tween/teen girl in your house. But I don't, so this version was made during Nurse's Week by a Pediatric unit. It is indelibly associated with that for me instead of adolescent angst.

Not all the lyrics fit my situation, but I always turn the music up when it comes to the final chorus:

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

The second song always reminds me of the commercial/movement #likeagirl (shout out to H.S. friend, Allison Amon, & Chelsea Pictures for that one!) 

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it hell
I'll take on this world
Yes, I'll stand and be strong
No I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight like a girl

These first two songs speak to me, even though not all the lyrics "fit" my situation. Like many songs, they capture the essence of what I'm feeling. When I hear this one, I think, Fuck yea! Cancer doesn't define me! and I'll continue to #fightlikeagirl 

But Steven's eyes remained dry until song #3 came on. This one always reminds me of how lucky I am to have my Schmoopy in my life. Because I know he feels in his heart that he's "Gonna Love Me Through This".

 

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

(I don't know how long he lasted before Steven started crying because I was already reaching for tissues myself in the first verse.) It always reminds me of the first two weeks after my diagnosis and surgery. Our emotions were really raw and I was still having 8-10 focal seizures a day. I lay on my side in bed and I would signal to Steven when I felt another seizure  coming on. He knelt by my side and talked me through it, knowing just what I needed - tissues and a fan on my face - and his hand running across my head as he whispered, "You're doing great. Just breath deep...." 

He's been there every step of the way, though. We've been through tough times since then, and I imagine we'll face more tough time again. But I know he will always be there, loving me through it.

Hokey is okay sometimes, I think. So is crying. Thank you, Schmoopy, for being my Rock and loving me through this.You are definitely one of the other secret ingredients that fuel my Ninja Powers!

The One in Which I....Oh, shit! I forget! Ask Steven

I've talked a bit about my "cognitive deficits" as a result of my tumor and treatment. At first, it was really noticeable because I was having a little trouble actually articulating words. My tumor was on my motor strip, around where my mouth/lips, etc. are controlled, so that was not a surprise. I had a bit of mumbly-mouth, which is getting better and better.

What has become evident is that my short term memory is also affected. Like, you could give a small list of things to remember, wait 5 minutes while we talk, then ask me to repeat the list, and I will likely forget one or two of them. Thank goodness for paper and electronic devices to write things down so I don't always have to remember them, right?

One problem that has come up ...well, I'll just say it: I'm not always right anymore. (vis-a-vis Steven) Sometimes someone else will ask Steven and me a question like, "What day is..." or "How many people will..." At first I would confidently give my answer, and Steven would disagree. And THEN, to add insult to injury...he's right? (Wha?!?!)

I am only partly being a smartass. Really. I used to be the go-to girl with the right answer. Now, with my short term memory...I'd bet on Steven's answer (almost) every time.

Also, I also have lost easy access to some of my vocabulary. It's in there, but jumbled around. That can make my speech seem a little "off" in rhythm sometimes  as I search for the right word. I use the analogy of file folders. Each file folder has "stuff" (words/phrases/pictures) related to a certain subject. Some things you say over and over again, and they are pretty well glued to that file folder. Other words and phrases -  you don't use frequently. Maybe, you've only heard it, but never even said it.) So, imagine someone coming along and messing with your folders - giving them a good shake -  and words and phrases NOT glued down, float around, and settle ...somewhere! in my brain. Apparently my file folder labelled "curse words" is well-established and glued in tight. I have no trouble retrieving those mother fuckers. I am working on retrieving other words floating around in my brain and neatly putting them back in their folders for quick retrieval. This may will take some time and work, and some words may never really be "glued" in. I'm okay with that, but...

Back to Steven and me. He has the graciousness to NOT supply with a word I can't come with right away. He's super patient and waits until I ask him, "What's that word?? You know..." Sometimes it's laziness; sometimes the word is just nowhere to be found. So, we're a good team in that respect.

 On the other hand....

It is a well-known fact that Steven has legitimate'hearing deficits" - confirmed by a visit to an ENT and scans, etc. He can hear noises in the high range and the low range, but the middle range (the range in which people SPEAK) is hard for him to hear. So, when he started saying, 'What? What?" a lot more to me, it was particularly frustrating since I was working HARD to speak clearly, and was then having to repeat the process. And he blamed it on me talking too softly...yea, right.

But this week, my speech therapist said, "Have you always been a soft talker?" (Wha?!?!) She said she sometimes has to lean in to hear me - in a small room with no windows and only the two of us. Ummm...no, I was never a "soft talker" B.C.
Son-of-a-Bitch!!! Steven's right again!?!? <pouty face> 

So, I have been humbled yet again by this disease and have another goal to work on during speech therapy.The fact is that this experience...is changing our relationship. How could it not? I was going to elaborate on how, but I forgot what I was going to say, so, yea...ask Steven!

Love, June Xoxoxo #mfbcfnw