The One in Which I Share (some) of my Hokey Playlist

Awkward hair - scar side #thisisreallife #braincancer mfbcfnw

I revealed in my last post that I'm slightly very hokey. I think I used to be embarrassed about that 'cause I would never be "cool", but I've long ago embraced my inner hokey-ness (Kiddies, I think I just made up that word, so don't use it and blame it on me. But you can tell people that you learned from ME that "cool" is not that important in life.) Hokey-ness is a secret ingredient that fuels my Ninja Powers, after all.

I've also admitted that I have a weakness for emotionally manipulative tunes. Most of my family looks at music in a whole different way.They dissect lyrics and have gigabytes of tunes on their computers. Let's just say that my playlists are NEVER played with anyone else in the car...okay, that's not exactly true. Sometimes Steven will tolerate them briefly.

So, they're really my driving or walking alone playlists. Many of them, I made when I was going through radiation treatment because they will pipe in your own music - which helped me a lot to remain calm and focused.  Like I said, now that I'm done with radiation, my playlists are pretty much for my solo walks or drives. I recently sneaked one in while driving with Steven.  I played the first three songs for Steven,  and he said, "What are you trying to do? Make me cry?" (For the record, I did make him cry, but he cries at commercials and stuff, so it wasn't on  purpose or a big triumph or anything.)

On my walk yesterday, I was listening to that same playlist, and  I thought I'd share those songs with you -- even though, yes, they're definitely not cool. They make me feel inspired and empowered.

 The first song is "Fight Song". I had seen a video posted online, and it inspired me to make a new playlist that I call "Cancer Fighting". You have probably heard this song on the radio, especially if you have a 'tween/teen girl in your house. But I don't, so this version was made during Nurse's Week by a Pediatric unit. It is indelibly associated with that for me instead of adolescent angst.

Not all the lyrics fit my situation, but I always turn the music up when it comes to the final chorus:

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me
Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

The second song always reminds me of the commercial/movement #likeagirl (shout out to H.S. friend, Allison Amon, & Chelsea Pictures for that one!) 

I'll hold my head high
I'll never let this define
The light in my eyes
Love myself, give it hell
I'll take on this world
Yes, I'll stand and be strong
No I'll never give up
I will conquer with love
And I'll fight like a girl

These first two songs speak to me, even though not all the lyrics "fit" my situation. Like many songs, they capture the essence of what I'm feeling. When I hear this one, I think, Fuck yea! Cancer doesn't define me! and I'll continue to #fightlikeagirl 

But Steven's eyes remained dry until song #3 came on. This one always reminds me of how lucky I am to have my Schmoopy in my life. Because I know he feels in his heart that he's "Gonna Love Me Through This".

 

When you’re weak, I’ll be strong
When you let go, I’ll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I’ll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can’t take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I’m gonna love you through it.
I’m gonna love you through it.

(I don't know how long he lasted before Steven started crying because I was already reaching for tissues myself in the first verse.) It always reminds me of the first two weeks after my diagnosis and surgery. Our emotions were really raw and I was still having 8-10 focal seizures a day. I lay on my side in bed and I would signal to Steven when I felt another seizure  coming on. He knelt by my side and talked me through it, knowing just what I needed - tissues and a fan on my face - and his hand running across my head as he whispered, "You're doing great. Just breath deep...." 

He's been there every step of the way, though. We've been through tough times since then, and I imagine we'll face more tough time again. But I know he will always be there, loving me through it.

Hokey is okay sometimes, I think. So is crying. Thank you, Schmoopy, for being my Rock and loving me through this.You are definitely one of the other secret ingredients that fuel my Ninja Powers!