I know it's completely normal to feel fear when one is diagnosed with cancer. I've read it, heard it, and experienced it. What one fears is not the same for everyone. That's seems normal as well. I remember my friend, Jeanne, who recently passed from pancreatic cancer, expressed a lot of fear about the pain in the end. That is not the fear that I try to push to the dark recesses of my mind. Maybe I'm naive, but I believe there is enough modern medicine out there for me to avoid a lot of pain in the end. If I'm wrong, don't feel the need to set me straight. This is one of those situations where ignorance is truly bliss.
As much as I try to avoid it, I do have fear that bubbles up to the surface. My fear is that I'm going to miss so many things in life by dying "young". REALLY young people who are reading this blog are thinking, "What?!?! Is she off her nut? She's 50 years old! That's not young!" But older people understand what I'm saying. I'm a mother of four children, adults (mostly): 28, 24, 22, and 20. But I've got so much of their lives to see. I've been married 25 lucky years to my Schmoopy, but I thought I had at least double that to fill our lives with memories. I fear missing the weddings, the births, the family gatherings at Game Nights, Thanksgiving and Christmas, trips with my Schmoopy...or just sitting out in the evening around a fire pit and talking and laughing...
I swear that my tumor must be near some area of my brain that controls emotions because I cry at the drop of a hat, and I can't seem to control it. I mean really CRY - the kind of crying where you can't even talk so that anyone can understand what you're saying. And I breathe deep when it starts to come on, thinking that I will get my words out before the waterworks start, but it's hopeless. I cry like that at some point on most walks with Steven. I used to apologize, but now he tells me it wouldn't feel like an official walk if I didn't cry at least once. I told you our walks are like my therapy!
So, know when I write about this subject, I'm a mess: tears streaming down my face and strangled sobs in my throat. #sorrynotsorry
<grabbing tissues and wiping my face dry>
<Deep Breaths>
When I was first diagnosed and (mostly) recovered from my surgery, and I decided that I was a Mother Fucking Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior! (Rawwr!) I took a bulletin board out of the garage and re-purposed it. I hung it up and thought about everything that I wanted to experience in the next 6 months - things that I was fighting for.
As cards and email and letters poured in from June's Warriors, I hung those up around the board and I regularly gazed at that corner as I was getting ready for the day.
This weekend the family went down to watch Katherine graduate from UC Santa Barbara. As I was waiting for Katherine to walk down the aisle for her commencement, I realized that this was the last event that I had pinned to my bulletin board. As I started to tear up, I tried to express this to my father and husband (whom I was sitting between), and after several attempts to talk through my blubbering tears, I got the message across. My father leaned over and gave me a big hug and kiss on the head. (A moment I wouldn't ever want to miss - see how that works?)
Both of them said the same thing: "Better get some new goals up there ASAP!" As soon as I got home from UCSB, I started my latest chemo cycle, so I'm not all that spry, but the more that I've been thinking about it, the more that this assignment seemed too pressing to wait until my chemo cycle was over on Friday.
Yesterday, I unpinned each card and message from all of you - reread them and smiled (yes, and cried - #freepass!), as well as my pictures of my goals and tucked them in a basket that I now have in my "meditation corner". The positive energy emanating from that basket must be off the charts!
By the time I finished that, I had to lie down, take some anti-nausea meds, and binge watch some more "Orange is the New Black" and nap. So, I woke up this morning with a blank bulletin board. That seemed like really bad karma, so I set to work importing and printing my new goals.
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| New board includes room for more goals as I think of them... |
The first time I did this, I was afraid to go too far beyond 6 months. Why? I'm not sure. I guess that my prognosis was so shitty that I couldn't get my brain to dream beyond that. This time, I've gone into next year. My last goal up on the board is to attend Autumn Elizabeth's first birthday. But I think maybe I'm allowing the "F" word (FEAR - what did you think I was talking about?!) to interfere with my goals. And what do I really have to lose by planning for something in 2017, 2018? Wouldn't it be something if I were to witness Autumn's first dance at HER wedding?
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| April & Coffey's first dance - (Notice my parents in the background.) |
A ninja warrior can dream, can't she? Yes, she can!
