The One in Which I Feel Blessed to Meet my Granddaughter

5-1/2 months ago, I was diagnosed with gioblastoma multiforme. I couldn't even pronounce it or spell it, let alone tell you what it was! The hardest part in the first few days was having to tell our children about the dx. I don't remember much of the dark, early days - but I do remember sitting on the sofa, along side of my oldest, April, and failing miserably at "holding it together". After Steven explained the situation and what it meant, I leaned into her shoulder and choked out, "I'm gonna fight this. I'm gonna fight this so hard, so I can see your baby..." And she whispered, "Of course...I know..." Thank you for believing in me, April.

At the time, it seemed so far away...and I know for some people diagnosed with GBM, 5 months is a pipe dream. And yes, Autumn was my dreams that helped get me through the difficult times. I thought about Autumn Elizabeth to get me through my "custom fitting" of my radiation mask. I visualized her during my radiation sessions. I thought about Autumn Elizabeth during my MRI's...

And here she is - I made it to April's baby shower, and I'm still here for her birth! What a blessing!

Autumn Elizabeth, Day 3, Thinking some serious thoughts....

I put a cork board on my wall back in September. I pinned up Autumn's ultrasound picture, a brochure of our winemaker's cruise down the Seine (in April), and a picture of the UCSB graduation (Katherine graduates in June). At the time, those were the the events that I thought it reasonable to assume that I might still be here.  I also put a picture of the family at April & Coffey's wedding, representing all the "unofficial" opportunities I have to see the family.

I still get all squirrely and anxious when Steven gets too far ahead in the future. Maybe it's superstitious. Living with Cancer is a bizarre thing  -- for me, anyway. I want to remain hopeful, and yet I don't want to be too greedy. One day at a time, one week at a time, one month at a time...

Yes, I am a warrior, but I'm not fighting AGAINST something. I'm fighting FOR things. I'm a Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior because I'm fighting for moments like holding my sweet granddaughter.

Cruising down the Seine with my Schmoopy  

http://winecruisegroup.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Steven-Kent-Wine-Cruise-April-2.pdf

Katherine's graduation...

I'm going to keep fighting for these things as long as I can. 

And I hear a collective whisper,

"Of course...I know..."

Thank you for believing in me.