The One in Which I Talk About the Goodness in the World...and the Essentials

Yesterday, Steven and I were taking our (almost) daily walk up and around Communications Hill. It was chilly (by California standards), and I was bundled in my scarf and Steven was protecting his bald head (brrrr!) with a beanie, but we were still holding hands the whole way - all the way up and all the way down the 3 mile trek, as we always do.

As we reached the ~1 mile mark, he turned me and said, "This is the best part of my day, just walking here with you." And I said, "Me, too. Me, too." and he kissed my hand. With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I concentrated on the feel of his hand in mine, his lips on my fingers, and the sound of the crunchy autumn leaves under our feet.

Me, too. Me, too.

We were at one of the last traffic lights, and I could hear from the chime in his pocket that Steven had received a text. He's been trying to simplify his life - pare down to the essentials. Part of his strategy is to have stricter control about when he does and does not check his texts, emails, notifications, etc., so he was tempted to let it go. I admire that. But with Thanksgiving quickly approaching and the coordinations for all the family travel, etc., I urged him to stop and check it. Even in the glare of the sun, I could see by his expression that it was not good. And then he shared with me:

He has a core group of guy friends that dedicate twice a year to get together. They geek out about food, wine, life, and just enjoy each other's company. One of these men's son (only 16 years old) had passed away suddenly. Neither of us had ever met this boy, but that didn't matter. It could have been anybody's son or daughter...anyone's tragic loss. The rest of the walk home was marked by mostly stunned silence as we both tried to process what we had just learned.

We didn't have very much time when we got home to prepare to leave for my radiation treatment, but one of things that I always do is make a new paper ninja star and write on it  - things to carry me through the experience. It seems like a silly ritual, but it helps me focus and remain calm during the treatments.  It's the MIND/SPIRIT part of my holistic approach to recovery & survival.

We were so stretched for time, though, that I had to grab the paper, pen, and scissors, and create it in the car on the way to the radiology office. But I knew just what I had to do:

Never forget the most essential: LIFE. 

During my treatment, I clutched that ninja star across my chest and visualized our morning walk, hand in hand, and the feel of Steven's lips on my fingers and the sound of the crunchy leaves.

When we got home from my treatment, I received a text from a coworker/friend. (Okay, if you must know, he was like my "work husband" for ~9 years. Love you & miss you, Todd! <3) ... He had a package to deliver to me after school.

It turned out to be a notebook filled with letters and notes from some of my former students. It was passed around the local high school, so these were kids from my class of 2009-2011 who wrote me messages. Letters and notes filled with compassion, encouragement, and hope...and some misspellings (for which I accept no responsibility!) #freepass

It was so overwhelming! I wish I could post every one of them on here. I am so touched. I think I will write about this book in more detail later. These kids deserve it. I just wanted you to have some small feeling of what an amazing gift this was for me. Any teacher would understand. It's one of those jobs where you're never really sure what kind of an impact you've had.

I curled up in my bed for a little nap and cried as I read...good tears  - of joy and gratitude.

and then...
(I know! Can you imagine?)
and then...

Steven brought home a package that was shipped to the winery for me. It was an unassuming white box, but when I opened it, this what I found, folded lovingly inside:

It is toasty warm and Tess-approved.

It is this beautiful crocheted blanket from Project Chemo Crochet. [One of the secrets that no one tells you about being a Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior is that you are almost always cold because of the treatments and medications.] Please click on the link to learn more about this amazing project. I think I need to learn how to crochet, so I can pay it forward...

The letter inside said:

"...We know that there might be times during this journey when you might feel cold, alone, tired, and scared. Our hope is that during those times you can feel our arms wrapping you with the love that went into every stitch.

Cancer's a bitch, that's why we stitch. Stay strong!" 

The thought of people from all over the U.S. and Canada stitching these squares.. <more good tears>
I feel your love!

I don't know why terrible things happen to people in this world, and I'm so sorry if you are going through something tragic right now.

So, today, it felt right for me to acknowledge:
I alive,
and I'm so, so grateful for all the good there is in this world.

Since I almost certainly won't "see" you until Friday, I want to wish you a day filled with friends, family, love, and LIFE.

P.S. I cry at the littlest things now, so I can't even begin to imagine how much of a blubbering idiot I will be when I have my whole family together. But they will be good tears!