The One in Which I Explain Why I Feel So Lucky Today - and Reveal a Ninja Warrior Secret

Two days left of my initial treatment! It's raining heavily out there, but I don't know what it would take for me to miss my radiation appointment today! Oh, no, no, no, no! You don't know who you're messing with! This is a Ninja Warrior on a mission! Bring it on, Sharknado!!!

June is on Day 29 of a 30 day radiation treatment schedule! Nice try!

You might have noticed that I changed up my blog banner. It probably looks too busy (Hey, who asked ya'??), but for now I think it more accurately reflects where I am on my journey. I'm not just a mother fuckin' brain cancer fighting ninja warrior. I am seeing more and more time and energy for the other "parts" of me. And it feels so good.

In the end of September, when Steven and I received my prognosis, I was in a very different place (mentally & physically) than I am now.  Post-surgery, I was having focal seizures 8-12 times a day! I spent most of my time lying down in bed or on the sofa, and Steven was right by my side the whole time, stroking my hair and talking me through the seizures. And yes, I felt so lucky to have him there with me. (I don't know what I would have done without him!) But I'm not gonna lie...I cried a lot. Not because I was feeling sorry for myself, but the thoughts that kept running through my head were: "Is this the best it is going to get?" "Is this how it is going to end?"

The idea was so crushing and debilitating...I cry just remembering it now. And I'm sorry if I've made some of you cry, too.

Just in case you need some...haha!

By the way, kiddies, I have become the biggest cry baby in the world, I think. Sad tears, happy tears...it's all good! Don't let anyone tell you differently.

So, why do I feel so lucky today, despite the fact that I still have GBM and a lot of the unpleasant things that it entails? 

Well, first of all, I discovered that I was Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior (#mfbcfnw). So, that's cool, yes? Okay, kiddies, I'm going to share one of the most powerful lessons that I've learned as a Ninja Warrior. Ready?

The less you worry/think about things you can't control, the less "crushed and debilitated" you will feel. Focus on the things you can control. I might look badass, all bald and stuff, but the secret is: my primary weapon as a Ninja Warrior is my MIND. I can control my thoughts.

You mean, you've heard this before? You're right. It's not new. But it takes a long time to master, and it takes a lot of practice and discipline. And you will probably backslide occasionally, which is when those tissues come in handy.  But it's worth the effort to think about what you can and can't control, and focus on the CAN part as much as possible. Trust me.

So, Steven and I  - okay, mostly Steven (#myrock), I have to say, in the early days because I wasn't strong enough in the beginning - started with what we could control - plugging away, seeking out appropriate medical care for me and getting treatments started. Of course, we found Dr. Awesome McAwesomesauce, who changed my prescriptions and I haven't had another seizure since. Eek! I hesitate to even type that - I don't want to jinx myself! Sshhhh! Pretend I never said that. And now my initial treatment plan is nearly complete! That's crazy! It will be 42 days of chemo and 30 days of radiation! Woot!

Don't get me wrong... It is different. No doubt. (If you want more details about the medically side of things, click on the tab above or the link here: "Living with GBM and My Medical "Now What?")

But today, I feel more like I am Living Life in Full. I'm more than just a cancer patient. I feel stronger every day and more like "myself" - but with a more obvious potty mouth, which I've decided isn't such a bad thing.  I'm helping to plan our holiday family gathering at the end of the month and getting ridiculously excited about the arrival of our first grandbaby!  I've even begun to create Pinterest boards and send out absurdly long emails with details about these things. Now, anyone who knows me is saying, "Dang! JUNE is BACK!" <high fives to all of my fellow Type-A homies out there!>

Steven and I went for our daily therapy walk yesterday, and we had a good cry conversation about how we both are forever changed by this. There will always be the dividing line of B.C. and A.C. Where do we go from here? There are so many things that we don't know, too.  We don't have control over everything....

Wait, doesn't this sound suspiciously like something I said a few paragraphs above? I told you it takes practice! Keep trying, my fellow Ninja Warriors! Maybe we'll never truly master it. But if we keep trying, I believe we'll be happier for it.

Cancer doesn't define us, but it does change us. Not just those who get it, but all those who love the person. And it's the "Now What?" part that is confusing, scary, daunting.., But the exciting thing is...there's a "Now What?" for us, right now.

My New Living Life in Full will obviously look different - but isn't that changing all the time for all of all of us? I feel so lucky today because I am focused on the LIFE part.