The One in Which I Explain What the #MFBCFNW is Fighting FOR not AGAINST

A couple months ago, when I started to venture out on the interwebs, seeking out like-minded Brain Cancer Survivors, I stumbled across the wonderful blog, The Brain Chancery, which I've shared with you before. And poking around on his site, I discovered an entry that really made me think. And the same issue has come up for me many times as I read other survivors blogs, tweets, etc.

First of all: I have to say that every cancer survivor is on his/her own journey. And I'm in NO WAY judging anyone that is taking a different path. Everyone has to figure out what is right for them - physically, mentally, spiritually...

But I felt like I connected with so much of the attitude and thinking of this guy, Chad, that he really made me take pause with his entry: We Need to Talk: It's About Brandon. Kiddies, I could tell you nothing about it and force you to read it yourself. But I know some of you are lazy busy, and won't get around to it. And it's really at the heart of what I want to say today -   So, I'll give you a little Cliff Notes version here:

Chad jokes about naming his cancer "Brandon", but he gets at a more serious topic of the tendency to anthropomorphize (Dang! That was a hard word for me to say before my brain tumor!) CANCER itself.   Kiddies, "anthropomorphizing" is when you give a human form or personality to something that is not human.  For example:

Like when we have animals act like humans in cartoons and such...

This phenomenon is very common in the Cancer Community. We hear and see things like: "I hate cancer!" and "Cancer sucks!" And I'm not saying that it is a wrong approach. I'm just saying that I tend to agree with Chad with Brain Chancery that it feels a bit silly...
or maybe not silly, but.... unhelpful(?) to me. Because CANCER is just random fucking cells that are doing what they do. There's no reason it's happening. They aren't "out to get me." So, it seems (to me) like a colossal waste of time and energy to spend being raging pissed of them and focusing my attention on them.

Which brings me to my next point... 
(I know what you're thinking...)
So, June! Why are you calling yourself a Ninja Warrior? And more specifically a Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior? (#mfbcfnw) Huh? HUH?

So, I feel like I need to clear up the confusion. I use the Ninja Warrior persona to represent my Inner Super Hero Self who can call upon the powers within me to fight. But I'm not fighting against cancer. I'm fighting for my LIFE.

As a Ninja Warrior, I'm calling upon all of the tools in my MIND/BODY/SPIRIT to find balance...reason...patience...peace, love...joy...hope...every mother fuckin' weapon in my arsenal ---
whatever I need at that moment to fight for my life. But notice that my "weapons" are positive.
So, yes, I'm fighting brain cancer because that's what's standing between me and life. but I'm not spending my days swinging numchucks at effigies of glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) cells (although it's fun to imagine it at times...)

You probably noticed that all the ninja stars I create have positive messages on them. Yesterday, the one I held during my first post-treatment MRI said: Hope and Joy on one side and #beinthepresent on the other. (and of courses, #mfbcfnw) Even the cursing and the "RAWWWR!ing" are my expressions of power, not anger. Does that make sense?

My mom gave me that adorable little pocket-size ninja! Thanks, Mom!

 Maybe it doesn't work for someone else - but I believe, for ME, the real BADASS powers lie in the positive! And this #MFBCFNW is going to keep using them to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE!

The real power is looking at life's challenges and saying, You know what? I'm going to
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE for as long as I can and not waste my time focused on the stuff that I:
1) can't control.
2) don't add meaning/joy/happiness to my life.

Carry on, my fellow Ninja Warriors! Go forth, and be BADASS!

______________________________________________________________________

P.S. I just found and read another entry from Brain Chancery about this subject, and I'm convinced that we are twins separated at birth - except he's 11 years younger than me. But why quibble?

The One in Which I Explain the Importance of my Ninja Stars

So, I had this high school friend, Pamela H....the kind of friend with whom you exchanged notes throughout the day in high school, passing in the hallway. (Kiddies, this was an archaic custom that happened before cell phones and texting...I KNOW! How we suffered!). We were are such geeks, that I highly doubt that anyone else's notes were filled with the same kind of socio-political commentary that ours had. (We were 17 years old! Jeebus!)

I went off to college in D.C. to study political science (go figure!) , and then my parents moved far away from our hometown, so I lost contact with pretty much all of my high school friends throughout the following years. Until Facebook happened. Suddenly, I was able to reconnect with so many of my hometown friends - and just in time for our <mumble,mumble> reunion! What a great time, reconnecting In Real Life with these people!

How is it that the one picture I have of Pamela at the reunion, she is not facing the camera??? Oy!

I look at this picture now and see so many faces that have reached out to me in the last 3 months and filled me with so much support and love and encouragement...Just give me a minute...
<grabbing some tissues>  Big Hugs & Smooches to all of you! You have no idea how much you have helped me through this challenging time.

But I digress...Shocking, I know. I usually am so good at staying on point and being succinct...
<snortle!> Hey, give me credit because: 1) I always have a point and 2) I eventually get there!

Pamela lives in New York State now in a place that sounds like Shakespeare lived there at one time - which totally makes sense because she has always been wicked smart and had a love of literature. I mean, she studied Latin in H.S. - on purpose! And she's a librarian! (Yes, kiddies, these still exist today in some locations! Google that Shit if you don't know what it is.) It was amazing at the reunion how quickly we slipped back into our conversations, like no time at passed at all. It was difficult to get into anything deep (see picture above for evidence), but I had heard that she was going through her own Ninja Warrior Caregiver Superhero experience back then...

So, I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise to me at all that a package arrived from her "Shakespeare-town" not long after I went public about my diagnosis. It was filled with thoughtful, lovely treasures to amuse and comfort me, including this:

A handy camo tote bag, filled with little ninja stars to remind me that I had permission to FEEL many things on this journey. In fact, it was a given.

What she didn't know at the time was that she had sparked an idea within me: 1) I could learn to make ninja stars myself. Any self-respecting Ninja Warrior should know their way around their tools and improvise as required, right? and 2) These could be a physical manifestation of not just my feelings, but my hopes and inspiration and strength...

And that's how the idea was born to make my own Ninja Stars. Okay...so, now what?

Step One: Go on the Interwebs and search youtube for a tutorial on making Ninja Stars. (It probably doesn't surprise the kiddies out there that I had many choices.) I chose a simple, straight-forward one that seemed to have a lot of views already. I'm a visual learner, and this worked for me.

Step Two: Experiment with different paper to find the ones that work for you. Cardstock was too thick for me; construction paper was a little too flimsy. The best for me is the already square scrapbooking paper, but I didn't discover this until late in the game...

Step Three: Go for it!

I started making ninja stars before every radiation treatment. I wrote inspirational words or notes to reflect my mood at the time. Steven suggested about 2/3 of the way through that I date them as a record of what I was feeling, but it was too late. And besides, I have this blog if I ever need to look back for that, right?

Then I made ninja stars for all of the radiation technicians and nurses who I saw ever day with a note telling them how grateful I was for their compassion and care, and reminding them that they were Superheroes, too! It got to be a routine: they would ask me what I had on my ninja star that day, and I would clutch it across my chest while strapped into The Mask, pinned against the table, and being zappity-zapped.

Part of my collection - I keep finding them in pockets and purses...

They have been such a source of comfort and strength and focus for me. And now that my initial treatment is done, I guess I'm a little addicted. I started making ninja stars for others - my Carson School Family and my Steven Kent Family... These say, "Live Laugh Love". It's a simple message, but when it comes down to it, it's pretty simple.

I wish that for all of you  - 

not just during this holiday season, but every day.

The One in Which I Talk About the Goodness in the World...and the Essentials

Yesterday, Steven and I were taking our (almost) daily walk up and around Communications Hill. It was chilly (by California standards), and I was bundled in my scarf and Steven was protecting his bald head (brrrr!) with a beanie, but we were still holding hands the whole way - all the way up and all the way down the 3 mile trek, as we always do.

As we reached the ~1 mile mark, he turned me and said, "This is the best part of my day, just walking here with you." And I said, "Me, too. Me, too." and he kissed my hand. With a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes, I concentrated on the feel of his hand in mine, his lips on my fingers, and the sound of the crunchy autumn leaves under our feet.

Me, too. Me, too.

We were at one of the last traffic lights, and I could hear from the chime in his pocket that Steven had received a text. He's been trying to simplify his life - pare down to the essentials. Part of his strategy is to have stricter control about when he does and does not check his texts, emails, notifications, etc., so he was tempted to let it go. I admire that. But with Thanksgiving quickly approaching and the coordinations for all the family travel, etc., I urged him to stop and check it. Even in the glare of the sun, I could see by his expression that it was not good. And then he shared with me:

He has a core group of guy friends that dedicate twice a year to get together. They geek out about food, wine, life, and just enjoy each other's company. One of these men's son (only 16 years old) had passed away suddenly. Neither of us had ever met this boy, but that didn't matter. It could have been anybody's son or daughter...anyone's tragic loss. The rest of the walk home was marked by mostly stunned silence as we both tried to process what we had just learned.

We didn't have very much time when we got home to prepare to leave for my radiation treatment, but one of things that I always do is make a new paper ninja star and write on it  - things to carry me through the experience. It seems like a silly ritual, but it helps me focus and remain calm during the treatments.  It's the MIND/SPIRIT part of my holistic approach to recovery & survival.

We were so stretched for time, though, that I had to grab the paper, pen, and scissors, and create it in the car on the way to the radiology office. But I knew just what I had to do:

Never forget the most essential: LIFE. 

During my treatment, I clutched that ninja star across my chest and visualized our morning walk, hand in hand, and the feel of Steven's lips on my fingers and the sound of the crunchy leaves.

When we got home from my treatment, I received a text from a coworker/friend. (Okay, if you must know, he was like my "work husband" for ~9 years. Love you & miss you, Todd! <3) ... He had a package to deliver to me after school.

It turned out to be a notebook filled with letters and notes from some of my former students. It was passed around the local high school, so these were kids from my class of 2009-2011 who wrote me messages. Letters and notes filled with compassion, encouragement, and hope...and some misspellings (for which I accept no responsibility!) #freepass

It was so overwhelming! I wish I could post every one of them on here. I am so touched. I think I will write about this book in more detail later. These kids deserve it. I just wanted you to have some small feeling of what an amazing gift this was for me. Any teacher would understand. It's one of those jobs where you're never really sure what kind of an impact you've had.

I curled up in my bed for a little nap and cried as I read...good tears  - of joy and gratitude.

and then...
(I know! Can you imagine?)
and then...

Steven brought home a package that was shipped to the winery for me. It was an unassuming white box, but when I opened it, this what I found, folded lovingly inside:

It is toasty warm and Tess-approved.

It is this beautiful crocheted blanket from Project Chemo Crochet. [One of the secrets that no one tells you about being a Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior is that you are almost always cold because of the treatments and medications.] Please click on the link to learn more about this amazing project. I think I need to learn how to crochet, so I can pay it forward...

The letter inside said:

"...We know that there might be times during this journey when you might feel cold, alone, tired, and scared. Our hope is that during those times you can feel our arms wrapping you with the love that went into every stitch.

Cancer's a bitch, that's why we stitch. Stay strong!" 

The thought of people from all over the U.S. and Canada stitching these squares.. <more good tears>
I feel your love!

I don't know why terrible things happen to people in this world, and I'm so sorry if you are going through something tragic right now.

So, today, it felt right for me to acknowledge:
I alive,
and I'm so, so grateful for all the good there is in this world.

Since I almost certainly won't "see" you until Friday, I want to wish you a day filled with friends, family, love, and LIFE.

P.S. I cry at the littlest things now, so I can't even begin to imagine how much of a blubbering idiot I will be when I have my whole family together. But they will be good tears!