The One in Which I Start to Feel of the Effects of all this Treatment...

I had an idea for a blog post when I woke up early this morning, but now I've forgotten it....

Shit.

Oh, yea. The effects of radiation and chemotherapy. (hint: one of them is memory)

I remember (that's a plus, right?) on our first visit to the Radiologist, this sweet nurse gave us this packet of information about what to expect from the treatment and support systems for cancer patients, and...and......but in my mind, I think I was still saying, "Holy shit! I have brain cancer!" over and over again, so I didn't quite catch what she was really saying.

Imagine a Charlie Brown movie and what we hear every time the teacher speaks. 

It was definitely like that:

I'm pretty sure that Steven was as shell-shocked as I was, so...
NO! We weren't "getting any of this".

I dimly remember her saying, repeatedly, that the symptoms I was going to experience wouldn't start until about halfway through my treatment cycle - 3 weeks into it. Well, slap me silly, and call me darlin'! Guess what? It's been three weeks, and right on cue:

1) My hair is falling out. I think I gathered enough hair yesterday to knit a dog sweater. I don't want to exaggerate, so it would have to be a very small dog - like a yorkie or chihuahua... (Okay, I googled "knitting with hair" and let's just say...I don't recommend it. Don't say I didn't warn you.)

2) My memory is suffering from.... what is it called? Shit, I forget....
Oh, yea! There is an actual term for it: "Chemo Brain". Funny. They didn't mention anything about "chemo brain" in "chemo class"...

Of course, it's complicated and it's not obvious what is causing  my memory problems - if it's the chemo and/or the radiation...and in my case, it very well may be related to the Bastard Thugs (cancer cells) themselves that have taken up (temporary) residence in my brain. Not to mention the cocktail of three medications that I am taking to prevent seizures. 

Let's take a moment to imagine how brilliant my blog would be if I weren't taking the medications, radiation, chemo, and had brain cancer? 
<pause> I'll wait....
So, excuuuuuusee me if I miss a few words now and then or put things in the wrong tense. #freepass!!!!

It's like I used to say to my mother when she'd say, "See! We all smoked and drank when we were pregnant with you guys, and you turned out just fine." To which I always replied: "But who knows how much BETTER I would have been if you hadn't smoke and drank?"

Love you, Mom! She's the one that taught me that you never let the truth get in the way of a good joke.
(But it's mostly true.)

3) Fatigue. What. the. actual. Fuck??? 
Steven and I have been taking daily 3 mile walks up and around Communications Hill. And I was feeling pretty studly. Not that we were breaking any land speed records, but Woot! Look at me, with brain cancer, exercising...and sometimes passing people! Confession: I always whisper in Steven's ear, "Should we tell them that I have brain cancer?" To our credit, I never do. I just think it. Which isn't bad, right?

On Tuesday, I got back from our walk and ended up napping for about 3 hours. I felt like I had been run over by  a truck.

Question: When does a nap become just sleeping?

Well, I googled that shit, and I have some news for some of you <cough> JILL <cough>...
The Mayo Clinic says, "Aim to nap for only 10 to 30 minutes." (full article here)
Even cancer.gov says that if you are receiving radiation treatment, you should aim for no more than an hour.

What?! But I love me some nappy time!!!

Gratuitous picture of napping puppies -
It was so hard to choose because there are so many pix of cute napping animals on google images!

Yesterday afternoon, Steven suggested a walk. I rolled over in bed and slept some more. And it was warmderful! <--- not a brain related typo. This my new word which I expect to see in the Oxford Dictionary next year. I'm kind of afraid that it might be more like "fetch" and never catch on, though.

So, I will take a (shorter) nap today, and we will walk - even it's raining. Because I'm stubborn like that. That's what ninjas do! And if regular exercise is going to increase my chances of a quicker recovery from this treatment, I'm going to do it - come hell or high water!

Besides, did I tell you that Steven and I registered for a half-marathon in March? (This was wayyyyy before the shit hit the fan.) And we're still planning on doing it. Walking, not running. But this MFBCFNW is planning to train for and walking 13.1 miles four months from now. Join us! March 28. 2015 - Livermore Half Marathon!

Gotta keep the eye on the prize, people.

<cue music>

"Living Out Loud"

I have had several people comment that they admire me for "living out loud" with this blog. And I've been thinking about this a lot and what exactly they mean. Certainly, I have been cursing a little...okay, A LOT more,  but I have always been online, through Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, etc. and waaaaaaayyyyy back when, on AOL. (Kiddies, I don't have time to explain, so just google that shit.)

 I have always been an open book as far as that goes.

And I find it fascinating when people tell me that they would never share (fill in the blank) ________ online. That's their "private life". Now, bank account information and other sensitive documents? I'm with you. But if you are living a life of which you are proud, why would you care who sees it?

Years ago, before I went back to school to get my teaching credential, I taught lessons in the computer lab at my kids' elementary school. Yes, kiddies, there was the internet back then, too! Only it was not so cool. Or fast. But everyone could definitely get online and google some shit and find out about things lickety-split (ish). 

I used to tell them, "Don't post anything online that you wouldn't want printed on the front page of the New York Times". And I still think that this is excellent advice. Of course, your personal business isn't likely to be printed on the front page of the NYT unless you have done some really awesome shit or really fucked up shit (I'd aim for the awesome, personally. But that's just me)... But the point is: if someone wants to know you're business, they are going to find out. The genie is out of the bottle, and you are not stuffing her back in, no matter how the sweet and plush the purple chaise lounge is.
[Anyone over the age of, say, 45-50 knows what I'm talking about! For the rest of you young'uns:]

I Dream of Jeannie's SWEET "crib in a bottle". Don't pretend that you wouldn't want to hang out in there.

Maybe your real question isn't "why would you care who sees it", but rather: "why would you want people to see it?" Ahhhh....Let's see if I can explain...

Through the years, I've connected with some kick ass groups of people who saw me through my happiest and most challenging times. My first real online connection was with a group of Stay-at-Home Moms (SAHMs) that began as a message board on AOL! (with dialup! I swear!) and eventually an email loop of lovely women who were in many ways the people that kept me sane when I had four children under the age of 8. I "met" them the year that I was pregnant with Sara. That would be '93 since she was born in '94 (Although her i.d. says something different. See! I told you nothing is a secret online!)

When I first started running, I stumbled upon three online communities: Dead Runners Society, Penguins and CVRT. They talked me through my first races, spurred me on to P.R.'s, and eventually convinced me that I could run marathons! In fact, I ran some of those races with some of those people.

The Penguin Runners Inaugural World Conference in Chicago

There's no law that says you can't meet people In Real Life (IRL) that you meet first on the internet. Although I wouldn't recommend it if you met them on, say, a website like: "SingleMuscularGuysonSteroidsWhoJustWantToMeetandPretendthatTheyAreKillingYou.net".
Then?
Not so much.
But if you AVOID sketchy websites like that - and have a modicum of common sense -  the internet can be a lovely place to meet like-minded people.

It really touched my heart when I began to rediscover high school friends on Facebook that I hadn't seen in years. If you still live in the town where you went to school - bully for you! But most of us don't. And my parents actually moved away from my "hometown", so I haven't even been to visit it in at least 10+ years. I live ~3,000 miles away from my high school.

The Awesomest Prom Table EVER in the history of time. (Except we're missing Peggy & her date)

What I didn't know is that these very, very real people that I mostly "visit" on Facebook and Twitter and Instagram and Pinterest, were going to be such a big support system for me during this -  my most challenging time of my life. June's Warriors? That was started by one of my online SAHM friends. My Online Running Group? I plan to join them in the annual trek to Frostbite Falls in January 2015. We are supposed to do 100 miles in the month, but we can arrive at the Falls on January 45th or even 83rd. I don't know how long it will take me. But I'm sure they will be there to high five me and give me virtual hot chocolate when I get there.

And my H.S. friends? I'm reminded day in and day out what an extraordinary group of people they were are. And I lament the fact that we can't go out right now and paint on some high school walls...put on our combat boots and come up with some lyrics and choreography for my new musical about the Ninja Warrior Outlier.

Facebook, as much as I trash talk it, has helped me stay connected with family and friends - IRL and  SAHM's and Runner-types across thousands of miles. No, It's not the same as a letter or a phone call. I make the analogy that it's like it would be if you lived in the same town, and you could run into each other every day or two at the grocery store or farmers' market. There's not the urgency to "catch up". You share simple pleasantries, and small complaints, and pictures of your kids...at the time that is convenient for you. Which is important for me when my family lives in an entirely different time zone.

I cry every day - Bad Ass Ninja Tears (BANTs)...for a lot of reasons. But yesterday, on my walk with Steven, I cried because I am so overwhelmed by the love and support that I have surrounding me. There are so many lovely, kind-hearted, fucking awesome people in this world. and I'm a honored to know them.

I'm sure in one my next blogs, I'll talk about the kick ass people I have nearby (IRL), who have also been lovely and kind-hearted, and fucking awesome. But I wanted to be sure and acknowledge those of you are so far away and still manage to make me feel like you are right there, lifting me up when I am at my lowest. I feel your support, hope, prayers, love - even if it's through the "interwebs".

So, kiddies, don't be afraid to "live out loud"...just avoid the sketchy websites and remember that everything you say/do is being recorded in on way or another anyway. So, try to say/do things that (most of the time) makes your proud.

P.S. Chuck wanted a place where you could just "like" a post rather than having to post a comment, so I added the little response boxes at the bottom. Let me know if you want me to add additional descriptors. Because the internet is the bomb-diggity, so I can do that for you!
Xoxoxo