The One in Which I Talk About Thanksgiving 2014, Family, and a Tiny, Little Bit About What Comes Next

Thanksgiving weekend is nearly over, and it was everything I thought it would be and more. Emotional, Comforting, Inspiring, Exhausting...

It was the same recipe in some respects as every other year: WINE, FOOD, FAMILY & FRIENDS!

WINE: Oh, did it mention the wine? We own a winery, after all. I mean, our Thanksgiving is always AT the winery!  So, many of the guests enjoyed a glass ....or three or more....of some very good stuff.

But since I'm a total teetotaler these days, the most I can do is smell the wines.

Side bar: Sorry, but I had to google that shit and find out why people are called teetotalers. I thought it was TEAtotaler because they mostly only drink tea (which is true in my case), but it's actually TEEtotaler, and involved a stuttering Englishman who promoted abstinence (not to be confused with absinthe) in the 1800's.

I read it on the interwebs, so it must be true....Bon Appetit Article

FOOD: There was sooooo much food! And I'm sure it was delicious! We do a potluck every year so we get a smattering of everyone''s favorite Thanksgiving dishes. But with the chemo/radiation and the mix of other medications that I take, let's just say, "food is not really my thang".  P.S. This is NOT a weight loss plan that I would endorse. You don't even have to bother reading the fine print.

FAMILY & FRIENDS: We pared down our guest list considerably because Thanksgiving landed at the end of my 4th week of treatments, and we really had no idea what I would be "up to".  But there was no question that Thanksgiving at the Winery was happening. It's Steven's favorite day of the year. And what's better than getting together with the ones you love? (Hey, you! Mr. Literal! That was a rhetorical question.)

We're missing Eric Coffey in this picture, but we'll fix it later with a little photoshopping.

We had the ole' familiar gang plus some family that came from far away especially this year. I am really, really not being bitter or cynical at all. I sincerely mean that. I was so happy to have everyone there!

But there is nothing like a potentially fatal disease to change people's holiday plans. I am so early in the diagnosis and treatment process that there is a whiff of, "Maybe she won't be alive next year," mixed in with aromas of turkey and sweet potatoes. I guess it would be stupid not to think of that at least a little.  I have let those thoughts float through my head as well - and right back out.

I have two things to say about that:
1) Anyone of us might be gone by Thanksgiving 2015. (Thank you for your uplifting insight, Captain Obvious!)
2) I look at things through my own specific lens. I do most things with purpose, and before I do them, I think:

It is productive?
What is your desired outcome? Will what you are doing now help you get there?

[FYI - This isn't some new thing that I've developed after my diagnosis. This has been my approach to life for a very, very long time. I would even dare to say that this is a "defining characteristic" for me.]

So, I ask myself, "It is productive to think/dwell on the fact that I might not be here next year?" What is my desired outcome? To live a fucking long time. Like decades. Another half century would be really good! Does focusing on the fact that I might die far sooner than that help me in my desired outcome? No, in fact, I would argue that it is extremely counter-productive. 

So, I spent my time this Thanksgiving enjoying the place and the people and the moments. It was a gorgeous autumn day in the Bay Area. ~70 degrees and sunny. Groups spent a lot of time out on the patio drinking wine, eating cheese, and admiring the foliage on the vines.  Some people congregated in the kitchen as the finishing touches were put on dishes. And we all gathered in the barrel room for the feast and had the traditional go-around-the-table-and-say-what-we're-thankful-for tradition. (We are aware of how much the younger generation hates this, but make them do it anyway. Either because we're cruel, or someday they might thank us. I'll let you decide. Often they have the most insightful things to say anyway.)

I insisted on going first, bucking tradition, because I was afraid I was going to forget what I wanted to say (#chemobrain). Of course, I wanted to express my gratitude to all my family and friends, near and far, who have supported us through this shitty, shitty time. If you weren't there, here is a recap: I said, "THANK YOU!"

But I also wanted to specifically address my children publicly. I talk about Schmoopy AKA the Bald Hottie a lot, but I don't talk about my kids very often on this blog. Not because I don't think about them ALL THE TIME, but my feelings are so raw and deep. And I know that they are so strong in front of me to not add to my stress/burden, but this is a shitty, shitty time for them, too. I know that.

I don't know how we ended up lined up like this - clearly, it's not in height order because I'm the shortest by far...

I am so grateful to have them in my lives. But I am also extremely grateful that they have each other in their lives. I have never seen a sibling group that was so supportive and loving and strong. I asked them if they have a name for their group. "Mirassou Siblings" doesn't do them justice. Then again, they aren't nearly as hokey as their Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior (#mfbcfnw) mom. Whatever! They need a hashtag at least, though, right?And I am so grateful that I had the good sense to pick a man for their father who is the rock that we cling to right now. Although shaving his head has made him slipperier.

P.S. You will undoubtedly see a shift in my blog focus as I finish this chemo/radiation treatment cycle. (2 weeks to go! Woot!!) I am starting to think about the "after initial treatment" part of my life. I'm actively thinking about the "Now what?" and making plans. Which is a big ball of Excitement and Anxiety rolled up in a ball we call LIFE. Stay Tuned!

Then & Now ... And a personal message to my children

Several people have asked me how I'm adjusting to the new life/schedule I'm living. A completely valid question because it really is so different from what I was experiencing just 2 months ago. So, I thought I would elaborate on what it was like "Then & Now"

Then:
Early Morning - On a typical day I would wake up early - about 5:00 a.m. - and screw around on the computer for a little while. This is a habit that I developed a long, long time ago, when my children were very little. This early morning "me" time was a chance to catch up on the world and not have all waking hours be about diapers and meals and backpacks and such. As my kids have grown, the habit has persisted. I have used the time to catch up on family and friends on Facebook, answer emails, and pin frivolous pictures on Pinterest of "ridiculously cute animals" and "vacation spots I want to visit". And there was fair amount (read: too much) coffee consumed during this time.

The Typical Day - Around 6:00 a.m., I would begin transitioning to work mode - thinking about the day ahead. In my job this year, as an Intervention Specialist, I was responsible for all General Education Students (K-5) who might be struggling academically. Without boring you too much...I'll try to explain: This involves keeping track of lots of data/reports from various Adaptive Technology programs and assessments.  I used this data to make decision about WHO would be in my intervention groups and WHAT I would working on with them. The first four weeks of school, I was also giving the teachers a lot of support about how to use the adaptive technology and determining who would best benefit from the interventions, so I had only really been meeting with my groups about 2 weeks when the proverbial shit hit the fan. My schedule was 8:00 a.m. - 3:15 p.m., with about 1 hour blocks with each of my intervention groups, and a block set aside in mid-day for more reports/lesson planning.

I worked some weekends, too, at the winery. I had started to work in the Steven Kent tasting room in April 2014, and I loved, loved, loved going in there and spending time with my SKW Family.  Although they'd known me as "Steven's wife" for quite a long time, we were really bonding as a team.

And they were learning how quirky I really am: how I like to sing and dance on my shifts, and make stupid jokes, and that I would always "take one for the team" if someone needed a second opinion after opening a new bottle, and they weren't sure if it was okay to pour for our guests.  Because I'm selfless like that. <snortle!> Oh, and yea! I loved interacting with the guests, talking to them about the wine and the history of the winery, etc.

September 23rd, The Shit Hit the Fan

Now:
There were so many things that were so predictable in my life, but what happened on September 23rd (and after) was NOT predictable at all. A lot has/is changing week-to-week...even day-to-day. I won't even count the week of my surgery and when I first got home from the hospital because that was like being hit by a bus. And would you really ask anybody, "How was your day?" after they had been hit by a bus? That's not your usual day.

But now, we've (sort of) settled into a new routine. I still get up early in the morning because my meds make me sleepy by 9:00 p.m., and plus, I've had that long nap in the afternoon (see below). I still like to check in with my family and friends on Facebook, and screw around on Pinterest. I especially like finding ridiculously cute animals because they make me smile. I've even branched out to Reddit because that's where nearly every image that you see on Pinterest originates. Check out it! I'm not lying. Look for the subreddit "aww.
And if you don't know what a "subreddit" is, ask your kid - or grandkid.
And of course, I've started writing this blog, which takes a good couple hours of my morning.
I've replaced the coffee with herbal tea.
That's really the only changes to my morning: Blog, Tea, and Reddit.

But by 8:00 a.m. I start taking my meds. It keeps changing as they are STILL trying to figure out how to better control my seizures. Right now, I take:
7 pills at 8 a.m.,
1 pill at 9 a.m.,
1 pill, at 12:00 p.m.,
1 pill at 2:30 p.m,
1 pill at 4:30 p.m
4 pills at 8:00 p.m.
1 pill at 9:00 p.m
Thank goodness there is an app for that!What did they do in the olden days? Oh, right! They didn't have modern medicine! Suckas!

The app we're using is called Medisafe. I'm sure there are others, but isn't this a cute picture? Look at the puppy!

Unfortunately, the med. that I take at 2:30 p.m. makes me very, very sleepy, so that is usually followed by a very, very long nap. (We're working on trying alternatives because as much as I like naps, 1-1/2 to 2 hours a day could better spent.) And all the anti-seizure meds make me a little slow, especially with my speech. But the trade-off is that I don't have general (grand mal) seizures, so that's  "the lesser of the two evils" territory.

Besides the nap, I have a standing date with Radiologist for the next 6 weeks, Monday - Friday, 11:00 a.m., where I get to lie on a space age table and have my brain zapped while I wear the Mask of Horror. By the way, I get to listen to my own playlists, so if you want to suggest some songs to get me through a session, that'd be sweet!

And once a week, I'll be at the oncologist for blood work and such. The neurosurgeon needs to follow up with an MRI soon. (Let me tell ya'..Atavan is my new best friend on MRI days!) Plus, we're connected now with the UCSF Neuro-oncology department, which has its own set of appointments...
Let's just wrap this puppy up and say that there are A LOT of doctors appointments.

Every morning, I take about 15 minutes making a green juice for Steven and me, and then about 20 minutes cleaning all the nooks and crannies of the juice maker. Apparently, fiber is messy. But green juice is REALLY good for you. Google that shit. © [Geek alert! I just found out how to make the copyright symbol on a mac by ....googling that shit!] Unfortunately, I don't actually have the copyright for the phrase because I know I could make millions! Millions, I tell ya'!

And I've become a bit of a germ-a-phobe. Steven called me "Howard Hughes" the other day. And I've NEVER been "that kind of person", but I am always thinking about who touched the escalator rail before me and how disgusting the shopping carts could be (are). I use my elbows as much as possible to open/close doors, etc. No, it's not about ebola. It's about everything! I'm currently taking chemo, which leaves me very vulnerable to infection. So, don't be offended if I wash my hands after we shake hands.  Or if I offer to rub elbows instead.

One of the unexpected, but lovely changes in our routines is that Steven and I go for a walk pretty much every day. As I've gotten stronger, we've been tackling "the hill" (Communications Hill). We walk, hand-in-hand, and talk about small stuff and big stuff...and sometimes don't talk at all.

Shorty and the Bald Hotty on Communications Hill

Every once-in-a-while, one of us will look at each other and say, "I love you." and the other says, "I love you, too"...and (this is practically mandatory), the first one says, "No, I really love you."
 Just to clarify. This is not a new routine. This has been a part of our routine for a long time. Schmoopy couples do that. It's in the manual. Look it up. Only it's probably not online yet.
[Note to self: Make a Schmoopy Couple Manual]

Probably the biggest bummer I've encountered in my new day-to-day existence is this:
I've gone from being the one who worries about everybody else to being the one about whom everyone worries. Especially my children. When my kids got old enough that they could be away from me, we've had this long-standing understanding that I just needed to know where they were. I'm a very visual person, so I thought of it in this way. You know how google maps has these little red pins to tell you where places are? Well, I picture each of my children as having a red flag, and as long as I know where each red flag is, I feel (semi) comfortable. If not: I'm calling and texting until I FIND the red flag.

But now we've entered a new domain.. with a new map. And suddenly, my kids are worried about me. And I'm causing them stress and anxiety and even sadness...Inevitable, I guess. But it seems like, to me, that I'm far too young to be entering into that domain. And it bums me out.

You've probably noticed that I don't write much about my children on blog. This is why.

But this part is for them. Personally.

My dear, dear children:
I love you more than I can possibly say. I don't have words. And I don't want to cause you pain or sadness or stress. Some of that is out of my hands. But I'll tell you what. I know you feel helpless right now, but there is something you can do:

 If you want to make me happy, what makes me the most happy is to see YOU happy.*

Annual Christmas Eve Mirassou Sibling Pajama & Movie Night

And I'm going to fight like a Mother Fuckin' Ninja Warrior to see as much of this as possible. That's what I'm fighting FOR.

*I'm posting this here, publicly, so the people who are supporting YOU - including each other -  can remind of you of this when you feel sad and confused and don't know what to do.