The One in Which I Talk About my New Goals

I know it's completely normal to feel fear when one is diagnosed with cancer. I've read it, heard it, and experienced it. What one fears is not the same for everyone. That's seems normal as well. I remember my friend, Jeanne, who recently passed from pancreatic cancer, expressed a lot of fear about the pain in the end. That is not the fear that I try to push to the dark recesses of my mind. Maybe I'm naive, but I believe there is enough modern medicine out there for me to avoid a lot of pain in the end. If I'm wrong, don't feel the need to set me straight. This is one of those situations where ignorance is truly bliss.

As much as I try to avoid it, I do have fear that bubbles up to the surface.  My fear is that I'm going to miss so many things in life by dying "young". REALLY young people who are reading this blog are thinking, "What?!?! Is she off her nut? She's 50 years old! That's not young!" But older people understand what I'm saying. I'm a mother of four children, adults (mostly): 28, 24, 22, and 20. But I've got so much of their lives to see. I've been married 25 lucky years to my Schmoopy, but I thought I had at least double that to fill our lives with memories. I fear missing the weddings, the births, the family gatherings at Game Nights, Thanksgiving and Christmas, trips with my Schmoopy...or just sitting out in the evening around a fire pit and talking and laughing...

I swear that my tumor must be near some area of my brain that controls emotions because I cry at the drop of a hat, and I can't seem to control it. I mean really CRY - the kind of crying where you can't even talk so that anyone can understand what you're saying. And I breathe deep when it starts to come on, thinking that I will get my words out before the waterworks start, but it's hopeless. I cry like that at some point on most walks with Steven. I used to apologize, but now he tells me it wouldn't feel like an official walk if I didn't cry at least once. I told you our walks are like my therapy!

So, know when I write about this subject, I'm a mess: tears streaming down my face and strangled sobs in my throat. #sorrynotsorry

<grabbing tissues and wiping my face dry>
<Deep Breaths>

When I was first diagnosed and (mostly) recovered from my surgery, and I decided that I was a Mother Fucking Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior! (Rawwr!) I took a bulletin board out of the garage and re-purposed it. I hung it up and thought about everything that I wanted to experience in the next 6 months - things that I was fighting for.

As cards and email and letters poured in from June's Warriors, I hung those up around the board and I regularly gazed at that corner as I was getting ready for the day.

(Kiddies, Here's a little tip for you: you gain a lot more time in your day if you shave - or lose- your hair. I must save 40 - 60 min. a day not having to fuss with my hair anymore.)

This weekend the family went down to watch Katherine graduate from UC Santa Barbara.  As I was waiting for Katherine to walk down the aisle for her commencement, I realized that this was the last event that I had pinned to my bulletin board. As I started to tear up, I tried to express this to my father and husband (whom I was sitting between), and after several attempts to talk through my blubbering tears, I got the message across. My father leaned over and gave me a big hug and kiss on the head. (A moment I wouldn't ever want to miss - see how that works?)

Both of them said the same thing: "Better get some new goals up there ASAP!" As soon as I got home from UCSB, I started my latest chemo cycle, so I'm not all that spry, but the more that I've been thinking about it, the more that this assignment seemed too pressing to wait until my chemo cycle was over on Friday.

Yesterday, I unpinned each card and message from all of you - reread them and smiled (yes, and cried - #freepass!), as well as my pictures of my goals and tucked them in a basket that I now have in my "meditation corner". The positive energy emanating from that basket must be off the charts!

By the time I finished that, I had to lie down, take some anti-nausea meds, and binge watch some more "Orange is the New Black" and nap. So, I woke up this morning with a blank bulletin board. That seemed like really bad karma, so I set to work importing and printing my new goals.

New board includes room for more goals as I think of them...

The first time I did this, I was afraid to go too far beyond 6 months. Why? I'm not sure. I guess that my prognosis was so shitty that I couldn't get my brain to dream beyond that. This time, I've gone into next year. My last goal up on the board is to attend Autumn Elizabeth's first birthday. But I think maybe I'm allowing the "F" word (FEAR - what did you think I was talking about?!) to interfere with my goals. And what do I really have to lose by planning for something in 2017, 2018? Wouldn't it be something if I were to witness Autumn's first dance at HER wedding?

April & Coffey's first dance - (Notice my parents in the background.)

A ninja warrior can dream, can't she? Yes, she can!

The One in Which I Talk About Thanksgiving 2014, Family, and a Tiny, Little Bit About What Comes Next

Thanksgiving weekend is nearly over, and it was everything I thought it would be and more. Emotional, Comforting, Inspiring, Exhausting...

It was the same recipe in some respects as every other year: WINE, FOOD, FAMILY & FRIENDS!

WINE: Oh, did it mention the wine? We own a winery, after all. I mean, our Thanksgiving is always AT the winery!  So, many of the guests enjoyed a glass ....or three or more....of some very good stuff.

But since I'm a total teetotaler these days, the most I can do is smell the wines.

Side bar: Sorry, but I had to google that shit and find out why people are called teetotalers. I thought it was TEAtotaler because they mostly only drink tea (which is true in my case), but it's actually TEEtotaler, and involved a stuttering Englishman who promoted abstinence (not to be confused with absinthe) in the 1800's.

I read it on the interwebs, so it must be true....Bon Appetit Article

FOOD: There was sooooo much food! And I'm sure it was delicious! We do a potluck every year so we get a smattering of everyone''s favorite Thanksgiving dishes. But with the chemo/radiation and the mix of other medications that I take, let's just say, "food is not really my thang".  P.S. This is NOT a weight loss plan that I would endorse. You don't even have to bother reading the fine print.

FAMILY & FRIENDS: We pared down our guest list considerably because Thanksgiving landed at the end of my 4th week of treatments, and we really had no idea what I would be "up to".  But there was no question that Thanksgiving at the Winery was happening. It's Steven's favorite day of the year. And what's better than getting together with the ones you love? (Hey, you! Mr. Literal! That was a rhetorical question.)

We're missing Eric Coffey in this picture, but we'll fix it later with a little photoshopping.

We had the ole' familiar gang plus some family that came from far away especially this year. I am really, really not being bitter or cynical at all. I sincerely mean that. I was so happy to have everyone there!

But there is nothing like a potentially fatal disease to change people's holiday plans. I am so early in the diagnosis and treatment process that there is a whiff of, "Maybe she won't be alive next year," mixed in with aromas of turkey and sweet potatoes. I guess it would be stupid not to think of that at least a little.  I have let those thoughts float through my head as well - and right back out.

I have two things to say about that:
1) Anyone of us might be gone by Thanksgiving 2015. (Thank you for your uplifting insight, Captain Obvious!)
2) I look at things through my own specific lens. I do most things with purpose, and before I do them, I think:

It is productive?
What is your desired outcome? Will what you are doing now help you get there?

[FYI - This isn't some new thing that I've developed after my diagnosis. This has been my approach to life for a very, very long time. I would even dare to say that this is a "defining characteristic" for me.]

So, I ask myself, "It is productive to think/dwell on the fact that I might not be here next year?" What is my desired outcome? To live a fucking long time. Like decades. Another half century would be really good! Does focusing on the fact that I might die far sooner than that help me in my desired outcome? No, in fact, I would argue that it is extremely counter-productive. 

So, I spent my time this Thanksgiving enjoying the place and the people and the moments. It was a gorgeous autumn day in the Bay Area. ~70 degrees and sunny. Groups spent a lot of time out on the patio drinking wine, eating cheese, and admiring the foliage on the vines.  Some people congregated in the kitchen as the finishing touches were put on dishes. And we all gathered in the barrel room for the feast and had the traditional go-around-the-table-and-say-what-we're-thankful-for tradition. (We are aware of how much the younger generation hates this, but make them do it anyway. Either because we're cruel, or someday they might thank us. I'll let you decide. Often they have the most insightful things to say anyway.)

I insisted on going first, bucking tradition, because I was afraid I was going to forget what I wanted to say (#chemobrain). Of course, I wanted to express my gratitude to all my family and friends, near and far, who have supported us through this shitty, shitty time. If you weren't there, here is a recap: I said, "THANK YOU!"

But I also wanted to specifically address my children publicly. I talk about Schmoopy AKA the Bald Hottie a lot, but I don't talk about my kids very often on this blog. Not because I don't think about them ALL THE TIME, but my feelings are so raw and deep. And I know that they are so strong in front of me to not add to my stress/burden, but this is a shitty, shitty time for them, too. I know that.

I don't know how we ended up lined up like this - clearly, it's not in height order because I'm the shortest by far...

I am so grateful to have them in my lives. But I am also extremely grateful that they have each other in their lives. I have never seen a sibling group that was so supportive and loving and strong. I asked them if they have a name for their group. "Mirassou Siblings" doesn't do them justice. Then again, they aren't nearly as hokey as their Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior (#mfbcfnw) mom. Whatever! They need a hashtag at least, though, right?And I am so grateful that I had the good sense to pick a man for their father who is the rock that we cling to right now. Although shaving his head has made him slipperier.

P.S. You will undoubtedly see a shift in my blog focus as I finish this chemo/radiation treatment cycle. (2 weeks to go! Woot!!) I am starting to think about the "after initial treatment" part of my life. I'm actively thinking about the "Now what?" and making plans. Which is a big ball of Excitement and Anxiety rolled up in a ball we call LIFE. Stay Tuned!