Saturday, August 29, 2015

The One in Which I Describe My Amazing August...LIFE


In the last month, I've had four very special events - I was able to squeeze all that in because I had to have a root canal, and that pushed my chemo cycle back 2 weeks. So, let's all give a cheer for Root Canals! Hip-hip- ....haha! <silver lining, people!>

SKWinery BBQ -  Although, I just started working at the SK Winery last spring, they welcomed with me with open arms. They've been family to Steven for 18 years, and we have the good fortune to feel the love and support this year of this family. I hope someday, when I'm done with this chemo crap and my speech gets a little bit better, to rejoin the weekend crew in the tasting room. I'm sure they miss my singing in the tasting station between pours. <sarcastic tone> (You can blame my Mom & Dad for that one. Fremer Rule: Anytime something reminds you of a song, you must belt it out - or sing it under your breath when more appropriate. Catie has the same rule. Kindred Spirits! She even makes up her songs! I'm sorry you've had to go solo for the time being, but thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. <smooches!>)
Catie, my "singing partner", and loving part of our SK Winery Family in Patti's adorable BBQ Barn
Anyway, (that was some serious digression. #cancercard and TWO #freepasses) every year they have the staff summer BBQ. Last weekend, I was able to attend and be surrounded by our family winery. How lucky we are!

Hiking Trip - I wrote about this already (click here if you missed it), so I won't go into great detail about this. I'll just say that it's chock full of family and nostalgia and laughing and LOVE. (And that little bit about me falling on my tailbone. (Kiddos - Helpful tip: those little squishy neck pillows for flying? Work perfectly as tailbone donuts! See! even WITH brain cancer, I thought of that by myself! Imagine how clever I was before that bugger showed up*! j/k! <snortle!> )
Dad & his kiddos pretending we are just starting our hike. Psssst. Secret: We had already finished our hike.
Manresa State Beach - We have had a family tradition of camping at Manresa State Beach for about 4 days every summer. Yes, walk-in tent camping with a Coleman stove, campfires & s'mores, and sleeping bags, and card games by lantern light. The one "luxury" we allow ourselves are inflatable mattresses. I think there was a year when the girls didn't change clothes the whole time they were there - except for into bathing suits, of course. (A Girly-Girl just wouldn't understand the fun in that - We are not Girly-Girls.) Not everyone could come this time, and we missed you, April, Coffey, Autumn, and Katherine!!! The dogs, however, had a blast.
June, Aidan, and Sara on Manresa State Beach, August 2015 (A Girly-Girl would never wear that hat in public.)

This transition that our family is going through... It's natural when you have adult children, but it's really hitting me now because we've always had at least one child in the home with us. Our move to Livermore will mean that we have no children living with us anymore - the classic Empty Nest Syndrome. It's getting harder and harder to get all of us together at one time.  Steven and I took a page from my parents' book and decided that we'll continue to schedule Family Gatherings and cross our fingers that most of us can show up. If we wait until everyone's free, these gatherings become farther and farther apart. And our unofficial new designated Family Organizer, April, is doing a great job getting us together as much as possible. <Thank you, and I love you!>

Daou Winery- 
So, it was very special on Sunday to have all the children together, plus our granddaughter. Since Sara turned 21 in July, it's the first time that the whole family was able to taste wine together <eh hem> ... legally....in public. Katherine is still in Santa Barbara, so we were looking for a place to meet halfway. The ALMOST-GENIUS-IF-IT-WEREN'T-FOR-HER-BRAIN-CANCER (*see above) came up with the idea of meeting at Daou. It's almost exactly midway between San Jose and Santa Barbara, and it's an amazing view of the hills of Paso Robles. They serve real food paired with wines, and our tasting room associate was lovely and patient. Warning: if you ever find yourself surrounded by the six Mirassous, plus son-in-love, Coffey and little Autumn...it can be ....shall we say: overwhelming - in a good way.... in the most amazing, loving, witty, and raucous way you can imagine. Sara's boyfriend, Matt, has already acclimated himself to the chaos, and Katherine's boyfriend survived, so he passed the first test. (hee hee) Sometimes, I just sit back and watch my children interact, yelling and laughing across the table, and I get actual goosebumps. And I look at Schmoopy, and I think "We made this." And now Autumn has added a whole 'nother layer. (Which April & Coffey made...just to clarify...) Magical.

The Whole Family! Look at that view!

Autumn loves Grandpa Steven! He makes her laugh! 

Grandma June tried to get baby Autumn to take a nap, but there was too much going on! The snuggles were good, though!

As we were driving home from Daou, I was playing it all through my mind as I looked out the window - and I got to thinking about all the wonderful memories from just ONE MONTH of my life. I thought, I hope no one is feeling sorry for me right now. Not every month is like this one was, but this is my LIFE. I feel sorry for people that have never experienced the flood of love and laughter that fills my life. It may be cut short, and that will be sad if it happens, but please don't feel sorry for me. I am having the most magical, amazing, lucky life one can imagine. And I SEE IT. I FEEL IT. I GET IT. I'm not missing anything right now. As I've said before, some times we have to adapt - Life is constantly changing for everyone. But that doesn't take the MAGIC away.

I SEE IT. I FEEL IT. I GET IT.



Wednesday, August 19, 2015

The One in Which I Talk About Forgiveness


I am dipping my toes back into some squidgy territory - I try not to post or talk about politics, sex, or religion unless I'm in a "safe place"  - but I've created this blog to share my mind, body, and spirit as a way to face this challenge of being diagnosed with a terminal illness, glioblastoma multiforme. This should be my ultimate Safe Space. This is me, and I've been focused on the spiritual lately. Feel free to skip this post if it makes you angry or bored. I won't be offended. Promise. And how would I know, really? See, you have a #freepass, too! But if you have the time and inclination, sit a spell and take in what's on my mind.
Cute Puppy picture to ease you into the seriousness of this post...
Depending on your perspective, you may be very surprised or not surprised at all to hear that I've been thinking about forgiveness lately. If you know June AKA the Ninja Warrior, you know that I don't believe in a God as an entity outside of ourselves, so how is forgiveness even applicable? Why am I even thinking about it?

Actually, I am thinking about it in two ways, because of my spiritual beliefs. Since I believe God/Goodness is in all of us - I would treasure forgiveness from anyone I've wronged, and I need to find forgiveness in my heart for people who have wronged me. I think hate and resentment are a waste of time -  (and I don't have time to waste). Also, I think it's toxic - both spiritually and physically.

So, even though I may be wrong about the details and specifics of God and heaven/hell, etc, if I strive to be a kind, loving, and generous person, I've done what I set out to do. I didn't do it to go to heaven. (because I don't believe in heaven) And I believe that if there's a God (like many, many of you believe), he/she will welcome me with open arms because I lived my life understanding: It's not about being right. It's about doing the right thing.  Please don't write me to change my mind or save me. I'm very comfortable with my faith and don't feel like I need to be saved. And if you do, I'll forgive you because I know your heart is in the right place. But I probably won't respond. Which is why I don't usually write or talk about religion, sex, and politics in the first place. By our age, we pretty much think we have it figured out and are not really interested in other opinions. So, I'm writing this more to reflect the Authentic Me, not to try to change anyone else.

I think I was meant to have blue hair, too. 
Someone asked me how I define "Good/Godly" and "Bad/Evil". Interestingly enough, most of the world's major religions are based on the same principles: Kindness, Generosity, Thoughtfulness...Love. And I don't believe that is a mistake. They all also have elements of their dogma that are exclusionary and unfair in my opinion. That actively HURT other people. That's no bueno with me.Which is why I have always found it better for me to not associate with any particular organized religion, but rather focus on the part of them that would make me better person. Because I don't believe in heaven and hell, it's not about being rewarded or punished for your behavior. It's about the legacy you leave behind. We are role models to the world - in some cases, "change agents". We can spread around Good and have it bloom within everyone we touch, or we can stoke the fires of Evil within people, spreading hatefulness and injustice in everyone we touch. And if we see someone/people doing evil things like this and do nothing to change it...we are accessories in a way, aren't we?

It's been far too long since my last Harry Potter reference!
My Internal Compass
I remember being very young and doing something wrong. I had a visceral reaction saying, "Stop. That's not right." You're hurting someone/something else. And if I did something kind or good, I would feel a different sort of feeling. A warmth, a glow... a JOY. So, what about people who don't feel this? I believe they have cut themselves from their spirit. (And I can name examples of this within every major world religion. No religion has a monopoly on this.) This is paramount to my belief system. TRY to tap into that goodness inside you every day. Feel it, embrace it, and use it as an "internal compass". I strive to be as "Good" as I can every day - but we all have faults. We all make mistakes. We are not perfect. But we have to learn to forgive ourselves for our imperfections. I continue to use my internal compass to shift my direction if I've gotten off-course and forgive myself.
My Internal Compass - Oh, shit. What if that compass in my head has been causing my brain cancer all along? j/k! :)
When it comes to forgiving other people, it's usually easy when I can see that if they've "wronged" me in some way, it's come from a place of thoughtlessness. Or they may even have kind intentions, but they have no clue how to get to their intended "outcome". And one of my Rules of Life is when you wrong someone, say "I'm sorry." An apology is so powerful.  I've gone over my life and thought about the good and bad that I have done - and I am working on how to be forgiven - by other people and myself. If I've wronged you in any way - please know that I'm sorry. I guarantee that whatever it was, it came from a thoughtless place. My intention was never to hurt someone...except that one time...(just kidding!)

When it comes to other people, I've mostly forgiven ... without any apology. I've come to believe that most people probably don't even know that they've hurt me so deeply that I've been carrying it around all these years. (Kiddies, something that you'll learn as you get older: most of us are so wrapped up in our own stuff, they aren't paying too much attention to you.)

What I am most troubled with is those that have hurt children. The Mama Tiger comes out. 
Warning: Don't mess with a Mother Tiger. She'll fuck you up.
That's why having/working with children can be so difficult. Their hearts and souls are so open, and they are so vulnerable. I remember my 2nd year of working as a fifth grade teacher, It was close to the beginning of the year, I had given a writing assignment with very specific instructions. As I walked around the room, looking over the students' shoulders, I saw one boy who had not followed the instructions, despite how clearly I thought I had been. <warning:any teacher will cringe to read the next part> I snatched his paper off his desk, said something (probably snotty and self-righteous), and crumpled his work up and threw it in the garbage. His face was full of shame and hurt. I felt that visceral "You've done something wrong" feeling immediately, but I was a new teacher (and this probably doesn't sound so bad to some). It's definitely Old School behavior, but I clearly hurt the student's feelings. I was trying to make a point, but I missed the point. I stewed on my shame the rest of the day and into the night. The next day, right away, I told the class that I had to talk to them about something important. And then I publicly apologized to this student in front of them all, admitting that what I did was wrong. The looks on the faces of the children in this class...I will never forget it. Adults can be wrong? Teachers can apologize? It changed the whole culture of our class for the rest of the year. I remember this incident, not because I carry shame today, but because this is an example of me righting my course after referring to my internal compass.
Apologies can be powerful.

Still Working on Forgiveness - Maybe You Can Help?
Honestly, the only people I'm having trouble forgiving, are people who have hurt my children. I'm working to get past most incidents because the person was thoughtless and the damage was minor. The Mama Tiger rears her head.

I have one person in my life that I am having a lot of trouble forgiving. Maybe you can help me? My younger two daughters played competitive soccer most of their youth. In fact, one of them continued to play through college. The other one was having a particularly rough time in early adolescence (Sometimes-I-felt-like-I-was-in-a-TV-movie kind of rough), and competitive soccer was one of the few positive things that she was still involved in. She had joined a new team in the fall and was very successful in her role as striker/forward, scoring many goals for the team, and had made many new friends. Her coach was clearly serious about building a team that would eventually make it to Nationals and win the cup. If ever I would describe a man as Machiavellian (and I don't think I have in my "real life - I had to spell check that sucker!), it would be him. We knew he was having problems with Sara's attitude/work ethic, but there was never a sit-down and talk about how we can improve your performance conversation in spring season. No warning, no "probationary period". She was cut from the team, unceremoniously, by calling her cell phone. She cried...no, sobbed - and will still occasionally sob when she brings the topic up. (This was 5 or 6 years ago!) He was a youth soccer coach. I entrusted my daughter to him not just to improve her soccer skills, but to help encourage her, support her, and form her during some delicate years of life for a young person.She never played competitive soccer again. And we had a very difficult couple of years with her. I wasn't asking him to replace us as parents, and I'm not blaming him for what came next. He was within his rights to cut her from the team, but he did it in such a ... unforgivable way? And imagine the difference it would have made in her life if he had not given up on her? I am trying to forgive him, but what were his intentions? It was not thoughtlessness. Maybe it was...but as I said, with children, it's different. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time letting this one go. It was MY responsibility as the Mama Tiger to protect my child from someone like that. And for that, I'm sorry because I failed.

P.S. I think I'm FB friends with almost every single one of my girls' youth soccer coaches, so if you happen to read this far, Mama Tiger says,THANK YOU!

And Kiddies, Good News! You have control over this, too. If you feel yourself surrounded by Goodness & Joy, celebrate it, embrace it, stay where you are. If, on the other hand, you frequently feel that you are in touch with people that tap into Evil and Hurtfulness, get away from it as soon as possible. If you are having trouble doing it by yourself, reach your hand out and ask for help. Life is much, much better surrounded by Love, Goodness, & Joy. 
Trust me. Trust yourself.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

The One in Which I Explain Why You Should Respect the "White Hills" and my Father


Warning: This is a part rambling post about my memories in the White Mountains and (hopefully) a little somethin'-somethin' to take away and think about...
Hopefully, this map gives you an idea about what I'm talking about....
Many, many years ago, my father was introduced to The White Mountains of New England, and then he passed that tradition on to us. We all have places that we immediately associate with our own families. "The Whites" was one of ours. My father initially took the whole family up there, but my sister was at an age and disposition to say, "Thanks, but no thanks."  and many of you may not know this, but my mother also had a brain tumor a long time ago - an acoustic neuroma - benign/non-cancerous - but it left her deaf in one ear and her balance slightly impaired. I just remember her on one early hiking trip, frustrated by trying to walk along muddy trails with railroad ties to avoid the mud and her thinking, "This is not my bag, baby." Also, she prefers to shop at outlets than hike. There's that, too. <--- Warning: this is my perspective, so my sister and/or my mom may have 'nother idea about this. You'd have ask them.

But my brother, father, and I continued to visit The Whites throughout the years. And if I had his original, annotated White Mountain Guide, circa ...let's just say, "Very outdated and OLD"[...one of the mountains has changed names, for goodness sake!], we could look up every trip we took and every peak we "bagged". Or use my brother's state-of-the-art Excel spreadsheet...but I have neither of those, I have to go with my brain-cancery brain, so there's bound to be some inaccuracies. Whoops.

Once early on, when I was [I'm guessing, but I'm probably not far off the mark...] 8 or 9 years old? - which would have made my brother the ripe old age of 10, my father planned a trip for the three of us to traverse and stay at all the high huts in the Appalachian Mountain Club. There are eight of them, total. Some of them higher than others, but we planned to include many summits along the way. I believe I carried most of my own gear - which is not particularly heroic if you are staying in hut at night with hot meals for breakfast/dinner, potable water to refill bottles, and you had no intention of showering/bathing the entire time. I don't imagine my ~8 year old self was too worried about hygiene at that time. I did brush my teeth daily, Mom! Promise! (as far as I can remember...oh, shit. probably not.)

I didn't know (I was far too young) that this was probably a very unusual idea with such small children, and perhaps not the most sensible idea. for the average father, I think "sensible" or "average" wouldn't be the first few words that leaped to mind when people described my  father's parenting ideas. I would apologize to my dad, too, but I think he would probably take that as a compliment.

Some Context:
For nature/geography-familiar Californians, The Whites Mountains would be called Hills. The highest peak east of the Mississippi is Mt. Washington at 6, 288 ft. (1,917 m), but what they make up for in height, is very unpredictable - sometimes deadly weather. Until recently, Mt. Washington Observatory held the highest wind recorded in the 20th century at 231 mph. If you follow the trajectory on the basic map above, you can see that part our plans were to go over Mt. Washington and stay in Lakes of the Clouds Hut, which at 5,050 ft., is still well-above tree line. The ascent to Mt. Washington is notoriously rocky, with blazes on white rocks that are much too far apart to see if clouds move in - which is often. The weather on the rocks is incredibly erratic, and there are crosses left behind to mark places where hikers have lost their way in a freak snow storm. 150 people have died on Mt. Washington since 1849. (Google that shit. I'm not making it up!)
Lesson Here: Respect the "White Hills MOUNTAINS".
Brother John clambering up the last little bit of the ascent, 2014.  Brother & Sister use poles. I have to learn how to use them!
The White Mountains disappeared from my repertoire for a good long while. I went off to college, and about 26 years ago, Steven and I went on a trip with my father and brother, and we got engaged driving home from New Hampshire! Then we moved to CA, and I don't think Steven had been back there since. Several years ago, the "siblings" had the honor to start regularly hiking again with my father for Father's Day. Mostly because my father did everything it took to make it happen - paying for plane tickets and making the reservations and paying for stays in the huts for all of us. (by the way, the huts used to cost a pittance. Now, they're like a four star hotel. in a decent city.)

He WILLED that to happen because he loves it, and he wants it to happen, and he makes it happen. At first, I didn't join them, because I thought I couldn't leave my young family for that long. But as they got older, I joined in again. Guess what? We all had gotten older. And it wasn't as easy for my father to ascent to the highest huts. So, we adapted.

Two years ago, I summitted Mt. Washington like a billy goat, scrambling up the rocks with energy to spare. I was training for half marathons at the time, so it's not so surprising. My father took a shuttle up to the summit and descended to meet us at the Lakes of the Clouds Hut, which is still as rocky, by the way.
My seestor and me on the summit of Mt. Washington. 
We had some harrowing experiences as a result of underestimating the Whites and overestimating our collective capabilities. In addition to my triumphant ascent of Mt. Washington, my father arrived at the hut mostly unscathed. (I always say the downhill is actually harder than the uphill, especially on rocky terrain. And 50-year old knees.) The good news: We beat a storm in. We waited a day for the storm to pass, staying an extra day at Lakes (adapt!) and when it didn't, we attempted the next leg to the next hut. (Kiddies: Always have a Plan B in these sorts of situations.) After a couple of hours on a ridge trail, above treeline, being blown sideways by gale force winds and being pummeled by heavy rain, we went with Plan B : go down the next trail that lead off the ledge and get the hell below tree line. It's still a long way downill in slick conditions -  from 5,000+feet and the rain was creating unexpected, rushing water that created tricky crossings on the trail (adapt!). We emerged from the trail-head after dark, after something like 17 hours of hiking?!?! I'm sorry for repeating, but I have to remind you at this point that my father is 75 fuckin' years old. [So glad to say that in the present tense because that was some scary shit.] 

So, we continue to adapt. I've had this trip on my Goal Board for months. With memories of last year's trip still seared into my mind, I thought about a week in July with Steven and my family in The Whites. Could I do it? I have been walking 3 miles up The Hill everyday. But the Hill is paved, and I don't carry anything but an emergency card/meds/and a waterbottle. Thanks for radiation, I've a lost of my muscle tone. My legs look a little like chicken legs - ME. Miss Humungous-leg-muscles-my-whole-life. My arms? Let's not even talk about it.

The week we had planned was perfect - the week and 1/2 after chemo. I felt good. I learn each time I travel more and more how to adapt to living with my disease. Carrying plenty of water and fuel. We planned to stay in one "somewhat higher hut", Zealand Falls, and the rest of time at Highland Center, a "Low Lodge", that conveniently allowed my mother to join us.

As it turned out, the Weather Gods were kind to us, and we had a fabulous time. My Schmoopy AKA Cabana AKA Mule carried my extra water, my sleeping bag, and rain gear to enable me to participate with almost no glitches.  Okay, True confession:  There was this one time when we approaching the falls, and they have little side trails for you to "peek". I lead Steven down one of those and was so distracted, I slipped on a large, slippery branch. Schmoopy (being Schmoopy) reached out his hand instinctively to save me, and I reached out (instinctively) to grab him...unfortunately, our packs adjusted the weight in the wrong direction and down we went. I fell on my coxic bone directly on that branch  - Sorry for no fairy tale ending (<groan> bad pun), and Steven was a little scraped up, too.... . We have no actual footage of the incident, so we reenacted it for you:

June: Ohhhh, Noooo!  Steven: I'll save you! P.S. My ass still hurts from that.
A highlight of the trip was having my mother also join us for a little romp through nature. We found a lovely river to splash around in enjoy the beauty around us.
I love that we're getting my mom out from behind the camera and pictures of all of us together!
So, I knew this post was going to get out-of-hand, and a little too travel-loguey. Too many great pictures. So, sue me. Hint: this is FREE.

As I've said in most of my posts recently, I've been thinking about the legacy we all leave. I could say, my father has definitely passed along to me and my siblings the love of the outdoors, but that's not all that I want to capture here. My father loves hiking. And he's going to keep doing it as long as he can, even if it means adapting to new situations. He's a role model for me as I navigate to figure how to live as the New June. So, I can't carry all of my gear and traverse a 8 high hut hike. Is that what matters?

I can you hear saying it, nay, yelling it at your screens, "Hell, NO!" What matters is that I got to spend a week doing something that I love with my family. Whatever your equivalent is - whatever is standing in your way of doing what you "used to love". One word for you: Adaptation.


Right, Dad? <imaginary high five with my father!>

Lesson Here: Respect My Father
See ya' on the trails!

Monday, August 10, 2015

The One in Which I Say Happy Anniversary!


I was messing around with my timehop app on my phone - if you are not unfamiliar with this app,it snoops around all your social media and pops up mostly pictures - but sometimes also words that you've posted on this date in the past. It's kind of cool to look in the past and be reminded of you were doing or thinking on that day 1, or 2, or even 5 years ago. I've said again and again that I know Big Brother is watching me, so I am not worried about my privacy. If you are still living like a Luddite  and thinking you can protect yourself, good luck with that. I've got some news for you: Pandora is already out of the box and laughing so hard at your ignorance innocence. I've taken a different approach: I try to live a good life, be a good person, and any pictures/actions they can dig up on me are "clean". There are no dirt they can get on me, because I've already shared it. I'm not afraid or ashamed of my actions, so Bring It On!

Anyway...as I was saying before I started birdwalking...
 #freepass ...

Today's timehop app had a picture of Steven pool side at the MGM where we spent a debaucherously (What do you mean, that's not a word? Well, it should be!) good time in Vegas.
The Lazy River at MGM
Continuing scrolling down timehop,  there were several pictures of Coffey & April's wedding 2 Years ago, August 10, 2013...I started scrolling through these, but they're mostly unfocused, behind the scenes, and their professional pictures are way better!  


Getting all prettied up.
This is pretty cool "behind the scenes picture: bride and maid-of-honor signing the marriage certificate!


Then I stopped in my tracks and held my breath as I realized something. I scrolled back to the Vegas picture, and I checked the date and realized that this is the anniversary of my grand mal seizure last year that changed my whole life. August 10th, 2014 3.a.m., and we were back in San Jose. Steven was woken up by me having a full on seizure and calling 9-1-1...he thought that was going to be the worst moment of his life. But he will now tell you that September 24, 2014, I had a craniotomy, and when it was over, and the neurosurgeon told him that it was worse than they thought. Not Grade III, but Grade IV -  It was glioblastoma multiforme." THAT is for sure the worst day moment of his life. [Why the big gap between the first seizure and the start of treatment. Kiddies, that's a story for another time...]

So, the good news is: August 10th still has the honor of being one of the BEST days of our lives, when Steven walked his little girl down the aisle and she started her new life as a wife - now a mother! [And GBM can't take that away from us! Raaawwwwrrrr! #mfbcfnw]




P.S. Apparently (according to timehop), we had a pretty bitchin' time 6 years ago on August 10th, staying in a place on the water and visiting the Monterey Aquarium, but that doesn't even close to August 10th, 2013!

Happy Anniversary, April & Coffey!
I love you! Xoxoxo


Thursday, August 6, 2015

The One in Which I Talk About Nuclear Families and Nuclei


I was brought up by parents who have instilled in me the value of "La Familia". (Nevermind that I'm 3/4 Polish and have not a smidgen of  Spanish) in me ...the phrase captures the feeling perfectly. It's more than "the family". It's The Family is Everything.)

Growing up, my family was all from the East Coast. In fact, when I was choosing a college, my parents gave me one constraint: nothing west of the Mississippi. They were afraid that I would meet someone from far away and end up moving, separating the family. I ended up at The George Washington University (yes, the THE is part of the name - Google that shit!) in D.C., so I did abide by that rule. The wrench in their plan was that Steven, from San Jose, California, was also attending GWU. In fact, we were living a couple doors down from each other in the freshmen dorms. Ah, we try to control our kids, but in the end...

We married in 1990, and in 1992, we moved to California "for a couple years" in order for his family to get to know us and our growing family. (That made sense to me because I thought, "Why should my family have easy access to the family, and Steven's be so far away?) It turns out, we can't control our parents or siblings very well either, because eventually Steven's sister & her family moved to Portland, Oregon (where his family lives), his father and step-mom built a home in Baja and spent about 9 months out of the year there, and his mom moved to Arizona. In the midst of all this, Steven began working in the wine business, so "a couple of years" in California has turned into the rest of our lives.

I give my parents so much credit for their determination to remain connected with us - especially their grandkids - despite the 3,000 miles distance between us. My 75 year old father still works full-time - Loves it! -  and travel has always been a part of it. They tie trips in with family visits and use airline miles to stay connected. When the kids were younger, my mom would buy duplicate children's novels to "read with" April on the phone. (Kiddies, this was all before Skype, y'all!) They still move heaven and earth to gather their children - and grandchildren when it works together as much as possible. The hiking trip (stay tuned for more about that!) is part of that. Oh, and Katherine & Aidan are off to Italy (for the 2nd time) in Sept./Oct. with Nana and Grandpa! So cool!

I wrote a whole blog already about my hiking trip with "Ma Familia" in New Hampshire last week, but I felt compelled to write about this first. We were sitting on the patio, and I was discussing how I was having difficulty adjusting to an obvious transition in our family. April is married with a husband and baby. She has her own new Familia, and that is her priority - and rightly so. Aidan and Katherine are infected by wanderlust and keep talking about living abroad, at least for a little while. Katherine already spent a semester in Spain while at UC Santa Barbara. Thank goodness for Skype!

In the middle of this conversation, I looked across the table at my mother, and we held our gaze as everyone chattered around us about the subject. Silently, she was saying to me, "See? See how hard it is to have your children go away?" I got it before, but now I really GET IT, if you know what I mean?
I get it now, Mom!
People talk about "nuclear families, but how does that take into account that cells divide, and there are more than nuclei? In the olden days, people continued to live close to their original nuclear family. FYI, My maternal grandmother was devastated when my father moved our family from NY to NJ because of his job.  We used to go to dinner at her apartment in Brooklyn on weekends, and she would load us with that blue tin of Danish butter cookies for the "long drive home". To this day, those tins make me think of her and those drives.  
Heaven forbid we should get hungry on the "long journey" home and resort to Donner Party-esque behavior!

My parents didn't forgive Steven for "taking the family away" until he earned his stripes through this challenging time we are going through right now. Being so far away, they've had to trust him to take care of me the way they would. I think that being a caregiver is a #freepass to La Familia, don't you?

For Steven and me, it's a New World, and we're still just trying to figure it out. We talked about this on our walk yesterday. We resolved to go on scheduling family traditional time, and whoever can come on any given day/year, we'll be blessed to see them. (Except Thanksgiving. EVERYONE must be there for Thanksgiving. (It's the first rule of La Familia, kind of like the Fight Club only different...)
Thanksgiving 2014
I've spent a lot of time recently thinking about the legacy Steven & I will leave behind when we are gone (whenever that may be). I hope that is at least one of them that we've passed down to our children. April was the one that made the rule that the siblings couldn't go to college more than 2 hours away.(Katherine cheated a little by saying, theoretically, one could fly to Santa Barbara in under an hour.)  This month we'll meet her halfway in between San Jose and Santa Barbara. A new world calls for adaptation and ingenuity, right? She's bringing her boyfriend. Hmmmm....we've yet to hear where he's from....or what he knows about La Familia....