The One in Which I Talk About Forgiveness

I am dipping my toes back into some squidgy territory - I try not to post or talk about politics, sex, or religion unless I'm in a "safe place"  - but I've created this blog to share my mind, body, and spirit as a way to face this challenge of being diagnosed with a terminal illness, glioblastoma multiforme. This should be my ultimate Safe Space. This is me, and I've been focused on the spiritual lately. Feel free to skip this post if it makes you angry or bored. I won't be offended. Promise. And how would I know, really? See, you have a #freepass, too! But if you have the time and inclination, sit a spell and take in what's on my mind.

Cute Puppy picture to ease you into the seriousness of this post...

Depending on your perspective, you may be very surprised or not surprised at all to hear that I've been thinking about forgiveness lately. If you know June AKA the Ninja Warrior, you know that I don't believe in a God as an entity outside of ourselves, so how is forgiveness even applicable? Why am I even thinking about it?

Actually, I am thinking about it in two ways, because of my spiritual beliefs. Since I believe God/Goodness is in all of us - I would treasure forgiveness from anyone I've wronged, and I need to find forgiveness in my heart for people who have wronged me. I think hate and resentment are a waste of time -  (and I don't have time to waste). Also, I think it's toxic - both spiritually and physically.

So, even though I may be wrong about the details and specifics of God and heaven/hell, etc, if I strive to be a kind, loving, and generous person, I've done what I set out to do. I didn't do it to go to heaven. (because I don't believe in heaven) And I believe that if there's a God (like many, many of you believe), he/she will welcome me with open arms because I lived my life understanding: It's not about being right. It's about doing the right thing.  Please don't write me to change my mind or save me. I'm very comfortable with my faith and don't feel like I need to be saved. And if you do, I'll forgive you because I know your heart is in the right place. But I probably won't respond. Which is why I don't usually write or talk about religion, sex, and politics in the first place. By our age, we pretty much think we have it figured out and are not really interested in other opinions. So, I'm writing this more to reflect the Authentic Me, not to try to change anyone else.

I think I was meant to have blue hair, too. 

Someone asked me how I define "Good/Godly" and "Bad/Evil". Interestingly enough, most of the world's major religions are based on the same principles: Kindness, Generosity, Thoughtfulness...Love. And I don't believe that is a mistake. They all also have elements of their dogma that are exclusionary and unfair in my opinion. That actively HURT other people. That's no bueno with me.Which is why I have always found it better for me to not associate with any particular organized religion, but rather focus on the part of them that would make me better person. Because I don't believe in heaven and hell, it's not about being rewarded or punished for your behavior. It's about the legacy you leave behind. We are role models to the world - in some cases, "change agents". We can spread around Good and have it bloom within everyone we touch, or we can stoke the fires of Evil within people, spreading hatefulness and injustice in everyone we touch. And if we see someone/people doing evil things like this and do nothing to change it...we are accessories in a way, aren't we?

It's been far too long since my last Harry Potter reference!

My Internal Compass
I remember being very young and doing something wrong. I had a visceral reaction saying, "Stop. That's not right." You're hurting someone/something else. And if I did something kind or good, I would feel a different sort of feeling. A warmth, a glow... a JOY. So, what about people who don't feel this? I believe they have cut themselves from their spirit. (And I can name examples of this within every major world religion. No religion has a monopoly on this.) This is paramount to my belief system. TRY to tap into that goodness inside you every day. Feel it, embrace it, and use it as an "internal compass". I strive to be as "Good" as I can every day - but we all have faults. We all make mistakes. We are not perfect. But we have to learn to forgive ourselves for our imperfections. I continue to use my internal compass to shift my direction if I've gotten off-course and forgive myself.

My Internal Compass - Oh, shit. What if that compass in my head has been causing my brain cancer all along? j/k! :)

When it comes to forgiving other people, it's usually easy when I can see that if they've "wronged" me in some way, it's come from a place of thoughtlessness. Or they may even have kind intentions, but they have no clue how to get to their intended "outcome". And one of my Rules of Life is when you wrong someone, say "I'm sorry." An apology is so powerful.  I've gone over my life and thought about the good and bad that I have done - and I am working on how to be forgiven - by other people and myself. If I've wronged you in any way - please know that I'm sorry. I guarantee that whatever it was, it came from a thoughtless place. My intention was never to hurt someone...except that one time...(just kidding!)

When it comes to other people, I've mostly forgiven ... without any apology. I've come to believe that most people probably don't even know that they've hurt me so deeply that I've been carrying it around all these years. (Kiddies, something that you'll learn as you get older: most of us are so wrapped up in our own stuff, they aren't paying too much attention to you.)

What I am most troubled with is those that have hurt children. The Mama Tiger comes out. 

Warning: Don't mess with a Mother Tiger. She'll fuck you up.

That's why having/working with children can be so difficult. Their hearts and souls are so open, and they are so vulnerable. I remember my 2nd year of working as a fifth grade teacher, It was close to the beginning of the year, I had given a writing assignment with very specific instructions. As I walked around the room, looking over the students' shoulders, I saw one boy who had not followed the instructions, despite how clearly I thought I had been. <warning:any teacher will cringe to read the next part> I snatched his paper off his desk, said something (probably snotty and self-righteous), and crumpled his work up and threw it in the garbage. His face was full of shame and hurt. I felt that visceral "You've done something wrong" feeling immediately, but I was a new teacher (and this probably doesn't sound so bad to some). It's definitely Old School behavior, but I clearly hurt the student's feelings. I was trying to make a point, but I missed the point. I stewed on my shame the rest of the day and into the night. The next day, right away, I told the class that I had to talk to them about something important. And then I publicly apologized to this student in front of them all, admitting that what I did was wrong. The looks on the faces of the children in this class...I will never forget it. Adults can be wrong? Teachers can apologize? It changed the whole culture of our class for the rest of the year. I remember this incident, not because I carry shame today, but because this is an example of me righting my course after referring to my internal compass.
Apologies can be powerful.

Still Working on Forgiveness - Maybe You Can Help?
Honestly, the only people I'm having trouble forgiving, are people who have hurt my children. I'm working to get past most incidents because the person was thoughtless and the damage was minor. The Mama Tiger rears her head.

I have one person in my life that I am having a lot of trouble forgiving. Maybe you can help me? My younger two daughters played competitive soccer most of their youth. In fact, one of them continued to play through college. The other one was having a particularly rough time in early adolescence (Sometimes-I-felt-like-I-was-in-a-TV-movie kind of rough), and competitive soccer was one of the few positive things that she was still involved in. She had joined a new team in the fall and was very successful in her role as striker/forward, scoring many goals for the team, and had made many new friends. Her coach was clearly serious about building a team that would eventually make it to Nationals and win the cup. If ever I would describe a man as Machiavellian (and I don't think I have in my "real life - I had to spell check that sucker!), it would be him. We knew he was having problems with Sara's attitude/work ethic, but there was never a sit-down and talk about how we can improve your performance conversation in spring season. No warning, no "probationary period". She was cut from the team, unceremoniously, by calling her cell phone. She cried...no, sobbed - and will still occasionally sob when she brings the topic up. (This was 5 or 6 years ago!) He was a youth soccer coach. I entrusted my daughter to him not just to improve her soccer skills, but to help encourage her, support her, and form her during some delicate years of life for a young person.She never played competitive soccer again. And we had a very difficult couple of years with her. I wasn't asking him to replace us as parents, and I'm not blaming him for what came next. He was within his rights to cut her from the team, but he did it in such a ... unforgivable way? And imagine the difference it would have made in her life if he had not given up on her? I am trying to forgive him, but what were his intentions? It was not thoughtlessness. Maybe it was...but as I said, with children, it's different. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time letting this one go. It was MY responsibility as the Mama Tiger to protect my child from someone like that. And for that, I'm sorry because I failed.

P.S. I think I'm FB friends with almost every single one of my girls' youth soccer coaches, so if you happen to read this far, Mama Tiger says,THANK YOU!

And Kiddies, Good News! You have control over this, too. If you feel yourself surrounded by Goodness & Joy, celebrate it, embrace it, stay where you are. If, on the other hand, you frequently feel that you are in touch with people that tap into Evil and Hurtfulness, get away from it as soon as possible. If you are having trouble doing it by yourself, reach your hand out and ask for help. Life is much, much better surrounded by Love, Goodness, & Joy. 

Trust me. Trust yourself.