The One in Which I Talk About the "Wait and Live" Phase

In case you don't follow me on Facebook, I'll start this post by giving you an update. I just took my last chemo pills last night after 12 cycles. Those were preceded by what I call the "30-day Initial Treatment": chemo 7 days a week and radiation 5 days a week. The 12 monthly cycles were 23 days "off" and 5 days "on" (chemo). It's been a long road. I lost most of my hair and 70 pounds. (See, being fat before this all started actually was a benefit. Who'd a thunk?)  I had 70 pounds to lose and ended up scraping the bottom of the "healthy" scale for my BMI considering my height. I have worked hard lately to stabilize my weight so I don't go into the "danger zone" of underweight. My body needs those calories. I just try to make sure they're nutritious calories and not crap. <--which I should have done all along, but that's a horse of different color -- kind of like my hair!

2013 Alaskan Cruise (left) - 2015 Thanksgiving (right)

I'm sure I have lost a lot of muscle mass, too, not just fat. But I've tried my hardest to exercise every day - walking and more recently incorporating yoga, too. (Dang! Yoga can be a serious muscle workout, but it feels so good!) We have an erg or rowing machine in the house now, and I plan to get some workouts on that when El Nino really gets going here.

From the beginning, every doctor we saw said that this was the best thing that I could do to help myself. EXERCISE/ACTIVITY/MOVEMENT. Of course, I try to listen to my body every day and be sensible. Sometimes the body just needs rest to help it heal. (Naps are good, too! No, really, really good. Trust me on this one, Kiddies!)

Another thing I have been doing is focusing on the positive. Lifting up my arms in acceptance - -  and being so grateful for people who have supported me with love and positive energy and prayers. I believe that helps me continue to have the stamina to push through every day and live life. I can't say THANK YOU enough. Meditation also helps me focus on the positive, healing energy and keeps my mental state on the positive side.

In the first month or two, I sought advice and fellowship online from people that were in the same situation as me. I read blogs from other Warriors with GBM, and actually bought a t-shirt from one that spoke to me at the time. I've worn it several times and featured it here on this blog, too, I think. It says, "Fear is fake. Live Now."

Source: http://www.ryansepicbattle.com/shop/

When I wore it, many people commented on it, positively. But now, 1)It's way too big for me, and 2) Steven and I discussed this recently, and I no longer agree exactly with this message. Fear is really not fake. Fear is a natural and reasonable response to my situation. I am human. I feel fear at times. We all do. Human beings are programmed to feel fear to avoid dangerous situations - you know, the whole "fight or flight" thing? Since I can not flee from my brain cancer, I have to fight it. Like a Ninja Warrior. What I think the real message is that we should try not to focus on our fear.

At my last meeting with my oncologist before I started this last chemo cycle, there was definitely a different "vibe" in the room. I had made it a year. More than a year. That's definitely something to acknowledge and celebrate. I'm entering "Outlier" territory, my peeps! Woot! 

My Outlier cookie, provided by Charrisse Min Johnston. If you want to see the whole awesome collection: click HERE

But I also shared with him, as I'll admit to you now, that I have begun to have a lot anxiety at times. Being in the "Wait and Watch" phase instead of being in an active treatment regimen. Well, let's put it this way, the doctors have stepped back, and I'm free to "do me". Which I will: continue with meditation, exercise, nutrition, rest... and LIVE. Not just wait and watch, but Wait and LIVE.

My doctor said something that really stunned me and caused a paradigm shift of sorts for me. Anyone that knows me well, knows that I often say, "What do you want the outcome to be?" when they ask for advice about what to do/say in a situation. And I make decisions in my own life with that in mind. So, I tossed off one of my mantras, "Worrying won't change the outcome." And the oncologist looked  me square in the eyes and said, "Or...worrying could change the outcome..." <deep pause> In other words, in this particular case, worrying is actually counter-productive when you're in a situation where you hoping for a positive outcome of a healthy body. Worrying, stress, negativity are all actually, scientifically proven to be toxic to our bodies. Google that Shit. It's the truth! (Kiddies who are struggling with depression, anxiety, stress...go back and read that last bit. And think about how you're living your life right now. What are some things that you could do to change it?)

Most of you have figured this out by reading my blog already. It's about how you live your life NOW, so I like that part of that old t-shirt message.  So, in fact, I've made a new t-shirt for myself that I can't wait until it arrives in a couple weeks! It says, 

"Find the Fun! Live Life Now!" 

I think that encapsulates more of what I believe and.... the message I wish everyone could feel deep down inside (without having a life-threatening illness). I think needing to have brain cancer to get there seems a little over-the-top, don't you?

Stay tuned for a picture coming soon of me in my new t-shirt! 

but there's always room for a gratuitous picture of my granddaughter, Autumn, right?

Just turned 10 months old yesterday (double digits!), and she's already a foodie!

Love, June Xoxoxo #mfbcfninjawarrior