The One in Which I Remind Myself of My Commitment to Me

Something totally and humbling ended up in my email box a couple weeks ago. I was informed that the Tri-Valley YMCA was interested in giving me an award at their Martin Luther King Jr. Fellowship Breakfast. Each year, they pick one of MLK's quotes, and it becomes their theme for the event. This year, the quote is:

“Everything that is done in the world is done by hope.” Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr

and the theme is: 

Inspiring Hope.

I don't know how exactly my name popped up while the board was making their decisions about who would be honored (there are three awards: for an individual, a company, and an organization, I believe), but I'm truly grateful and humbled about the decision.

The breakfast is scheduled for next Monday - yes, MLK Day was last Monday, but they have had better attendance by moving the event, since so many people go away for the "real" holiday three-day weekend.  [Click HERE <-- if you are interested in attending!]

In preparation for this event, they sent someone out to interview Steven and me for a little "video-package". This was a brand new experience for me. The interviewer was lovely and sweet, and made it easy as possible for me to talk, even though it was a little surreal, talking about myself that way. One of the first questions he asked me has been rolling around in my head since then, though.

He asked me how people would describe me. I immediately asked, "Now, or pre-cancer?" It was up to me to decide. Hmmm...I think pre-cancer, almost everyone would include some reference to "Type A", or "controlling", or a "planner" in any description - as have I. It's been a defining characteristic for me for a really long time. In fact, I think I was pretty proud of that - and maybe a little smug at times, if I were honest. (And kiddies, if you've read my blogs before, you know I also describe myself as pathologically honest, so yes, "I was smug about being Type A".)

And I've had a lot of changes since my diagnosis and year-long treatment. I've had lot of lessons learned about how I can control some things, but not a lot of things. For instance, I can't control this fucking cancer in my brain.(Damn it!), but I can control how I deal with it and live my life with cancer in my brain. DUH! That's the major message I tell myself and holler on high to anyone who will listen.

And I believe that is a BIG, BIG, BIG! message:

Focus on what you can control, and make the most of it!

However, I am no longer smug about being Type A/controlling. In fact, I have decided that we are the worst type of personality to be inflicted with brain cancer. It's some serious mind-fuckery (I might have made that word up just now, but "Worry about yourself!")

Okay, this is off-topic, but if you've never seen this video, I could watch it over and over. Still makes me giggle. And I think giggling and whimsy should be a big part of life.

We want to control and plan EVERYTHING, and our brain cancer laughs in our face and says, 'Oh, yea??" Not only can I not control the brain cancer, but I have neurological deficits because of the disease that make it harder to just plan and organize things  that used to be second nature. So, if you're type A like me, I suggest you don't have brain cancer. Well, I actually suggest that none of you have brain cancer, but you know what I mean.

But I don't have any control over that.
So, what to do... what to do?
I focus more and more on the things I can control, mainly: ME.

The next section is going to seem like I've gone off-topic, but I promise you, it will all come together in the end. I promise. It always does, right? Or almost always does... Hey, let's not forget about the #freepass, too! ANYWAY...

I have several rings that I wear every day. I'm a big believer in "anchors" or symbols that when you see them, it reminds you of something in particular. It's kind of like that string people put around their finger to remember something, only mine are a little fancier - one's gold (my wedding ring that Schmoopy put on my finger 25+ years ago). That reminds me of the commitment that we made to each other that day - and yes, what a GREAT decision that was! The second is on my right hand, made of platinum (oooo-la-la!) that Schmoopy gave me for our 10th anniversary. And again this reminds me of that commitment to my best friend and love-of-my-life, and ten beautiful years spent with him and our growing, amazing family.

But recently, I added a couple more rings. I had a ring set that I had purchased P.C. (pre-cancer), because my weight was up and not both of those previous rings fit on my fingers. Now, with all my weight loss, I have to be careful with my wedding ring and get it fitted correctly soon because I've managed to fling it off my newly slimmer finger a couple times when gesticulating wildly.

 I ran across this ring set in our move and thought, I wonder if this will fit on my middle finger now? Sure enough, they did.  I've decided since I've reached a new phase in my cancer treatment - after "graduating" from my chemo cycles. (I'm not making this up. My neuro-oncologist used that phrase. "graduated".) So, I slipped those rings on my finger, next to my wedding ring and made a commitment to myself. These are a symbol of my commitment to myself, to continue to focus on everything I can do, everything I can control to keep myself healthy. To Live Life and Find the Fun!

Symbols of the commitment to Steven on the left and commitment to ME on the right.

Thank goodness I don't have to actually speak at this event! I would be freaking out about now! But thank goodness I have this place to speak to you all! Oh, and one of the other questions was "What inspires you?" Of course, I said, Steven first. I don't know how I would make it through this year without him. And of course, my children and my baby grandchild also inspire me every day, even if I can't see them every day anymore. They are always on my mind!

This red flag is a symbol of my children. If I've already explained that to you in this blog somewhere...#freepass! If not, it will have to wait until another time. Xoxoxo! Love, Mom!

But there is no doubt that YOU all inspire me as well. Thank you, thank you, thank you for continuing to Inspire Hope in me! Love, June AKA The Outlier #mfbcfnw

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OH, and I almost forgot! Silly me!

Gratuitous picture of my granddaughter, Autumn, 10 months old! She's going to be running around soon!