The One in Which I Just Try to Recognize that Life is Happening...NOW!

This was my day yesterday.  I've included some lessons along the way that I'm learning every day...just for you, kiddies!

MY MORNING
I woke up early this morning, and instead of writing for my blog, I wrote an email to my children. I had mentioned yesterday that I was working on a page about my Personal "Now What?" after my initial treatment is done. I will still post something eventually, but I felt like I should share that with them privately first, rather than on my blog. Especially because my "Now What" is all about them!  The Cliff Notes version: I am determined to live purposefully (PLAN) to make sure we spend as much time together as possible. And in those precious moments, just focus on that, and not worry about what may or may not get in the way of our plans down the road.  

Kiddies, here's been a huge lesson for me: We can (and should) PLAN for life, but we can't CONTROL it.

After a long stint on the laptop, I did my juicing routine. I juiced some crisp cucumber with some carrots, several leaves of spinach, a little ginger for a zing, and one small apple. It was surprisingly delicious, as the vegetable juicing combinations can be. Really!

Side note: Okay, kiddies! I was going to describe things as organic, but it got really repetitive. So, assume that everything I am eating is organic whenever possible from now on. That was one of the biggest take-aways from our first meeting with the UCSF neuro-oncologist in October. 

Another lesson I've learned: When it comes to cancer - and just your health in general -  eating organic is really important.
Once I was done, my brother made  juice with organic radishes and organic apples (see, doesn't it already sound repetitive?) The combo also was surprisingly good.  Go, figure!  I don't know if I've mentioned this before, but my older brother, John, is staying in town for a while. We were born only ~15 months apart, so we don't actually fit the definition of "Irish Twins", but we were pretty darn close.

Aren't we the cutest things? I'm not sure if he is making a peace sign or doing some dorky Star Trek thing, though...

John lives in Boston, MA with his lovely significant other, Condee, but they agreed that it was the right thing for him to come out here for a lengthy stay to be closer to me after my prognosis. Fortunately, he has the kind of job that he can do pretty much anywhere (as long as he has a landline - which is proving to be more challenging to find here in Silicon Valley than one would think). I am so grateful to him for having rearranged his life in order for this to happen and so grateful to Condee for being willing to accept his absence for a while.

I got to spend a lot of quality time with my older sister, too, the week after my surgery. Although I think I was a lot less perky then. Sorry, Sis! <smooches!> See you at Christmas time!!!

Spring 2013, Disney Princess Half Marathon with Seestor

I know not everyone has the ability to do this! Alert: This is a NO GUILT Zone!

 Kiddies, I'm just saying that there's something special about being together with someone so much that you lose that urge to fill every silence with words because you just don't feel like you have enough time to say everything you want to say.... and you are in ordinary situations when magical, spontaneous moments can happen. Bottom line:  Keep your family close to you if at all possible.

Oh, and just so you get this straight, I have no one to blame but myself for this situation. 22+ years ago, Steven and I moved 3,000 miles across the country, and it devastated my family. They tried to teach us that lesson long ago, but we didn't listen! (Darn kids!) I didn't really think my parents would ever forgive him for "moving me away" ...but I told him just yesterday that I think he's come a long way towards redemption as they've seen what a #ROCKSTAR he's been through this shit.

Speaking of the #rockstar AKA #baldhottie - It's been raining...I mean, like, REALLY raining here in San Jose (YAY!) , but Steven and I went out for our walk up Communications Hill anyway. I had gotten a brand new wool hat from amazon yesterday (with a  soft, silky interior - mmmmmm) to warm me up without irritating the bald, zappitied parts of my scalp. And Steven thoughtfully bought me some gloves at the store (awww!). We were toasty warm even despite the wind at the top. We talked about life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness - you know, the usual chit-chat!

Gratuitous picture of piggy in rain boots. (Don't be so serious all the time!)

Kiddies, I have already said that it is the daily connections that matter. These walks are the highlight of both our days. But here's a new lesson for you: You CAN walk/run in the rain if you have some good gear on. That's something we know instinctively as kids that somehow we forget when we get older. Humans don't melt!

By the time we had finished our walk, we had barely enough time to get ready for my radiation therapy appointment. I decided to make today's ninja star out of cheery colors (yellow & orange) to combat the gray skies:

It's a little messy because I was rushed and in the car, but between the things that I wrote in my email to my kids and the conversation I had with Steven, I knew the message I wanted to carry with me today:

BE PRESENT. LIFE IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!

I included the #planforit because I don't think that this is the same philosophy as just letting life "happen" around you. You plan to make it happen. But then shit happens and you need to adjust....And while it's all happening, be THERE, not thinking or looking for the next thing. Lamenting the fact that something "ruined your plans" ...Or worse yet, looking back and wasting time wishing you had paid more attention in the past. <--- Okay, that was stream-of-conciousness version, but I think that there's a theorem in there somewhere:

PLANS + SHIT = LIFE

 DEAL WITH IT + APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE

That's a rough sketch, but I want credit when some genius solves the whole thing. This could be some Good Will Hunting kind of shit.

MY AFTERNOON

After my treatment, Steven and I went for lunch at a little Italian place. The pizza oven warmed the restaurant and created a perfect atmosphere to combat the rain. And - I kid you not -  a rainbow did appeared in the sky as we were walking back to the car. I'm not making this up. (Now, if I had said there was a cat riding a unicorn, I can understand how it would have sounded suspicious.) I thought about taking a picture of it, and then I decided, "No. I want to really SEE it. RIGHT NOW."

Another lesson for you kiddies: Look up and around. There are fleeting beautiful things that you will miss if you are always looking down. And you don't have to Snapchat or Instagram it all. (P.S. I'm not being a hater. You know I love me some social media!)

The rest of the day for me was spent under my Chemo Project Blanket (Love!), watching a few good movies with my brother and Steven. I got a surprise visit from a former coworker/friend, Irene. Unexpected extra hugs and gifts! Bonus love!!! Xoxoxo!

The object to the right is a "Dammit Doll". Irene said she wanted to get me a "Fuck It" doll, but they didn't have one. Haha!

EVENING

 I skipped my daily nap (which hardly ever happens these days!) because I was enjoying my rainy afternoon so much. So, my evening was short. But Steven made this simple meal of chicken and green beans (organic stuff  - DUH! - that John bought at Whole Foods). It was yummy! Did you know that organic chicken from WF actually tastes like CHICKEN?!  And we sat around the dining room table and "broke bread" together with Aidan. Until I went to bed at the late, late hour of 8:00 p.m.

This last lesson goes out to all of you that have someone in your life that is dealing with any serious illness: I know you feel helpless and that there is "nothing you can do". and it feels that way because, let's face it, what we all really want to do is give them their health back. and it sucks that we can't.

But what you can do is be one of the "small-ish" things in their day that make them smile, or laugh, or cry, or look with a sense of wonder. (If you can't be there in person - a card, a message on Facebook or Twitter, a text...it all makes a difference.) 

And if you are one of the people like me, who currently has a serious, shitty illness: 

Try, try, try to spend as much of your day as you can

Being Present 

and 

Realizing that LIFE is happening all around you...

including IN YOU.

So, kiddies, there you have it:

Open your arms, and let it in. This is LIFE! Right here. Right now.

Marriage & Parenthood

Steven couldn't sleep and came back to bed just now. It was 4:44. It happens to us.
Yes, not being able to sleep well. That happens to everyone. But what I meant was...we'll look at the clock, and it'll say 4:44.

That was when April Marie was born.
4:44 p.m. May 1, 1987.

Some of you have heard this story, but many of you have not. But all of you bear with me, because I'm going somewhere with this... it's not just a "birth story". Although birth stories are nice - or there wouldn't be so many reality shows about them. But do you ever notice how people feel compelled to tell you their worst, most painful birth stories when you're pregnant? Especially when you are close to your due date?  What it is it with that? Be warned, April, because it is coming.

Because some people are just stupid. That is all. Sorry.

But April's birth story is different. Because her Daddy was not there when she was born. In fact, Steven and I weren't even dating when that happened. Actually, I dated Steven's best friend all four years of college.<gasps!>  And Steven was "the third wheel" sometimes - the boyfriend's best friend who would frequently join us to see movies or grab a drink. But I didn't mind, I always had a crush on him, but the timing wasn't right when he made his move (see previous post about his attempt at a first kiss). And so life happens that way sometimes.

We graduated in May 1986, and Steven went back to California for a break before he started graduate school at NYU. I toured around Europe for six weeks over the summer - two of which
The College Boyfriend joined me. A kick-ass graduation gift from my parents! (Thank you, Mom & Dad!) I brought home a lot of memories and then settled in D.C. to figure out what I was going to do with my B.A. in International Affairs. hmmmm.... I had a Peace Corps volunteer application partially filled out on my dresser when I found out I was pregnant. I guess I brought more than memories home from that trip...

[FAST FORWARD NINE MONTHS - blah blah blah - and No, April, I won't tell you my labor and deliver story! This time. haha!]

The College Boyfriend "opted out". and by that I mean he checked the box where he had to take NO responsibility for "said baby". (Kiddies, I like to leave you with lessons in my posts, so I just want you to know that there is no box like that anywhere, and I could have went ninja on his ass for child support payments.)  But I just wanted to move on. It was complicated.  And my parents, like they always do, stepped up and supported me. Because one of the things that you learn in our family is that Family is Family. I gradually started to get back on my feet.

Chillin' with Baby April, summer of '87

 And who should waltz back into my life but...Steven. Because it was time to start his graduate program at NYU. Now disentangled from The College Boyfriend and still crushing on Steven, I started to go to up NYC to visit him. Yes, often with April, who was all of 3-4 months old.


I remember one very poignant moment when we visited him, and he was so proud because he'd bought her this jean jacket...I mean, the tiniest, cutest jean jacket that you could ever imagine. There was some street fair or farmers market going on in The Village where he lived, and he wheeled her in the stroller with that jean jacket on...without ever skipping a beat. It was so...natural...

When she could speak, she called him "Dee-shish", which was her closest approximation of "Steven". And then we decided to get married, and she started to call him Dad.  He is the only Dad she's ever known and we made it officially a couple years later. 

This is around Christmas 1989 when we were engaged, and Steven was now officially "Daddy".

I'm going to FAST FORWARD through a lot of stuff again, because April is 27 now, for goodness sakes! It would take eternity to list how many times Steven has stepped up, and proven himself as a husband and father. But I woke up thinking about this one. at 4:44.

Okay, Okay... I will just give you a little highlight because it is one of my favorite pictures:

April's Daddy walking her down the aisle at the winery, August 2013

One of my favorite movies of all-time is Parenthood (1989). Not the tv. show - the movie. Yes, the t.v. show is good, but the movie...It manages to wrap so many of the emotions: romance and turmoil, joy, anxiety, and anguish of marriage and parenting ...AND it has a happy ending. It's close to perfection. Be warned - it's PG-13, because as I recall, there is a lot of swearing in it. Oh, wait. You read my blog, so that clearly won't deter you.

I don't want to give it all away because ...GEEK (& NEWS ALERT): I think they might be playing it at the Vine in Livermore for Steven & Me on January 14th. or 13th. or 12th. Save the date(s)!!! and stay tuned for more info!

But there's this one scene where Julie is freaked out because she thinks her husband has seriously injured himself in a racing accident. She's protesting to her mother (Helen) that she doesn't want to go into the emergency vehicle.

Julie: I can't do this! This is too intense!
Helen: This is marriage! 

See, I told you I was going somewhere with this! It may take me some time to get there, but I get there eventually.  Did I mention that I have brain cancer? #freepass

No one tells you on your wedding day that there will be days "like that" (unless they're a dick), but you better be prepared to step up. Because there will be joy and romance, but there will be anxiety and turmoil, and I truly, truly, truly wish for all of you that there will the minimum of anguish. But that is part of life, after all, isn't it?