The One That I Waited Until After Thanksgiving to Write

I had my latest MRI scan last Monday. Surprisingly, my radiologist was in his office on Wednesday rather than in his car, driving to some family Thanksgiving gathering. And he called. He was going over our latest scan report and wanted to let us know the initial results. He's always been so good at understanding that a couple in our position is on pins and needles until we hear something. What he did not know is that Steven and I had decided to NOT pursue the results until after the holiday, so we wouldn't be distracted or distressed if the news were not good. But he called, so there ya' go. In the end, I decided that it was better to hear, rather than stick my head in the sand.

 Ninjas don't hide from the truth. They face it straight on.

And son-of-a-bitch, the news was not good. They've seen another change between scans. (I think I hear a collective sigh and a couple curses from my potty mouth soulmates.) But hear me out, and I think you'll feel at least a little better in the end. Or not. It is what it is.

This scan is different because the enhancement or "growth" is not in the primary location where my tumor was resected, but in the secondary location which was only discovered after surgery when a post-surgery scan was done. It was hidden/obscured before the resection and has been in debate and an unknown all along. It could have been just scar tissue from the grand mal seizure, and then the enhancement is radiation necrosis from the radiation treatment? Or it could be a secondary site of the disease. It was looked at closely by both the Good Samaritan and the UCSF Tumor Boards before my treatment began. Once again, the only way they could know for sure what it is is by doing a biopsy = craniotomy. Which no one would ever do - unless I had neurological symptoms that required it. And the good news is I don't appear to have any new neurological symptoms.

[Kiddies: FYI - No one opens up the cranium casually. It's a pretty big deal, so if someone on the street says, "Pssst! Hey, do you want a craniotomy?" Run away. They are not a good person. Didn't your mom or dad ever teach you about stranger danger? Geez-a-louise!]

Kiddy Recap: Just say NO! to candy, puppies, and craniotomies from strangers. Got it?

What we did know is that this secondary site has been very stable (until now).
Reminder: My radiologist took a great deal of time and energy working with the Tumor Boards' recommendations and collaborated with the oncologist and neuro-oncologist to decide what exactly my radiation treatment would be a year ago, and if he would treat this secondary site. The answer was ultimately "yes". Again, no one radiates an area casually, but IF it were cancerous, it was better to take care of it at the same time as the primary site was treated. So.....just like the primary site change of last month's scan, this change might be scar tissue from the treatment (radiation necrosis,) or it might be progression of the disease. The new scan and my case will be reviewed by the UCSF Tumor Board next Thursday, and we will meet with the neuro-oncologist on Friday.

That's all we know. Period.

The last couple of days, I've had this image of walking along and suddenly being confronted with a dark crater. I know that I eventually have to step in that hole and see what happens. It could be a small hole, and I could land on my feet unscathed. Or it could be a very deep, unfathomable hole where I plunge further and further down waiting to find out what happens when I land, crumpled at the bottom. Dazed by the journey, perhaps with serious injury , but hopefully alive.

We told the our family about the situation - that's what we're there for, right?  - to support and love each other.  But I opted not to "go public" until now. No sense in having other people have their Thanksgiving clouded with uncertainty. And I know some of you lovely June's Warriors would fret and get bummed out. Because you are so lovely and empathetic. And I love that about you! <smooches!>

So,  I have tried to avoid going near the crater for the last two days.

  Picture me strolling along in the vineyard with Steven and the doggies, whistling a happy tune and saying, "la, la, la...what hole?", carefully scooting around it....

Or Steven grabbing my hand and gently leading me away from the thing.

My mantra, as you know, is: Worrying won't change the outcome. And just as a reminder:
we have no idea what we're even dealing with right now.

The last few days, I've so enjoyed my family and all the conversations, hugs, kisses, and LOVE that I was lucky enough to be surrounded by. I soaked in the beauty of my children and my granddaughter - their love for each other and me.  (I'm still waiting for pictures of the actual Thanksgiving dinner, so I'll share some other family pictures for now...)

Gratuitous picture of my granddaughter, Autumn. - This might become a regular feature of my blog posts.

I looked, in wonder, at my parents and my brother...

Steven captured this moment on Wednesday, watching the sunset on our patio in the c-c-c-cold with my Dad, Mom, and brother, John.

...and all the rest of the lovely people around the Thanksgiving table and thought we are all so lucky to have this moment, right here. To gaze into each other's eyes and feel so embraced by each other. Precious gifts. I just "walked along" in life and ignored that shadowy hole in the background.

There's a form of torture (I bet it has a technical name, but I don't want to google that shit because that doesn't sound like something I wanted to be imprinted in my brain. And  it will probably lead me to disgusting sites about the Nazis and other loathsome, hateful groups.) But the technique involves making a person wait - not knowing exactly what their fate will be - but instead having them envision all the awful, gruesome things that might be ahead. As I think about it...Who needs google? The technical term is: Mind Fuck, right? As the name implies, it all starts in the mind. I can't control what is happening in my BRAIN right now (for the most part, but that's a discussion for another day), but I CAN control what's happening in my MIND.

I do know that when I have to approach that shadowy crater, Saint Schmoopy (He was canonized this week, if you missed it.) will be by my side. We'll take a deep breath and step in together, as we've done every step of this journey. And with my strong, brave, and loving children, and the unwavering support of my family, and YOU, I will face whatever comes our way. Step by step. After all, that's really all we can do, isn't it? Be brave with me. Yes, it helps!

Love,
June Xoxoxo #MFBCFNW