The One in Which I Talk About the "Turd in the Punchbowl"

Recently, my husband came home from the winery and said, "I was pouring wine to a nice group in the Reserve Room, and then I said something that was like 'the turd in the punch bowl'." I thought...it could be anything, really. Steven is known for saying some things that could be deemed "inappropriate".  Like at one of the latest wine club releases, when Steven somehow tied in the phrase "It's like porn. You know it when you see it." with his welcome address to our club members. I don't know what to say. He has a masters in literature? A way with words? I love my Schmoopy with #nofilter! Can you imagine a more perfect match for the #MFBCFNW?!

Anyway, back to the "turd in the punch bowl". The background: When I was first diagnosed, one of my high school friends sent me some Ninja bracelets from the International Spy Museum that both Steven and I wear every day.

Thanks, Pam! (And the SKW family for the "No One Fights Alone" bracelets!) 

One of the guests asked about his Ninja bracelet and Steven told "The Story" - about how his wife has brain cancer and calls herself a Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior  - (I'm not sure if he went that far)  -  that she identifies herself as a Ninja Warrior. And the guest said, "Oh, <uncomfortable silence> Because I've been to that museum, and it's really cool."

So, if I understand the turd analogy correctly, the reference to my cancer was the turd. I will admit that having cancer is pretty very shitty, but let me get this straight: We're not supposed to talk about cancer with people we don't really know...or only when it's "appropriate" - maybe when they bring it up first? So we know it's "safe.

I've had my own "turd in the punch bowl" moments recently, I guess. I've dyed my hair blue - all kinds of shades of blue (which is nothing like Shades of Grey, by the way. I sense some disappointment there? Especially with the earlier reference to porn? #sorrynotsorry)-  I've been trying to find the right shade of blue - which I think I've finally found - More like Smurfy than Sharky teal.

My hair started out a caramel color brown when I was young, then darkened a lot through high school and college.

Little June didn't know she was a Ninja Warrior yet.

This isn't a great picture of my hair at my college graduation, but it's an awesome opportunity to show my brother's rad Flock of Seagulls period. And my Mom, Dad, and Grandma.

Then in my 30's, my stylist suggested adding highlights. Eventually, it was very light - and I wasn't really sure what my "natural" hair color was. (I think hair stylist like to do that, don't they? So, they can sucker you into paying mucho dinero every 6 weeks of so.) Well, I ditched my stylist about 2-3 years ago, grew out the highlights, and discovered that there is some gray all along the temples. I'm okay with that. I've earned those grays, but it was a bit of a shock at first. So, I was coloring my own hair to try to match the roots up top as best I could - just coloring the gray.

Then I got cancer. "Fun Fact" (not really "fun", but maybe "interesting"): Unlike some other kinds of chemo, the one I take does not make all of my hair fall out. It's the radiation treatments that were the culprit, so the hair fell out only where the head was radiated. Apparently, a LOT Of my head was being radiated - and don't forget the exit points!

My hair fell out in a strange monk-on-acid-like pattern, I think.

But it's grown in (mostly), and I'm digging my little pixie hair cut. But look at how dark it is! And the gray was even more apparent. Believe me. vanity has gone out the window; however, I realized that I had a unique opportunity to let my freak flag fly and dye it ANY color. But I'm much more conscious about the toxic stuff that we wade through on a daily basis, and I try not to deliberately be in contact with it if I can help it. So, I started buying demi-permanent dyes that wash out after a few weeks and don't contain nasty, toxic stuff. I can't won't bleach all my color out of my hair, so it comes out like a dark brown with colorful highlights.

Relay for Life, Livermore - June 2015

First, I tried purple to celebrate the Relay for Life event, and when that faded, I decided to be bold and try blue. I swear that in all my 51 years of hair colors combined, I haven't ever had as many compliments about my hair as I do now. I've had women, young and old, actually stalk me in stores to stop me and say, "You're hair is gorgeous! I love the blue!"

And more importantly, I love it! 

I've found my "natural" color. I was supposed to have blue highlights with dark hair all along. 

Bird walking...bird walking...where was I? Oh, Yea. 

The Turd.

Twice now, someone has asked me what "inspired me" to go blue.And I tell them the TRUTH - "Well, actually, I have brain cancer, and I lost most of my hair through radiation treatment. When it came back, I decided to do something a little wild." I say it very matter-of-factly, not sad or depressed. I don't start crying or anything. It's just, well, MY LIFE. But the expressions on the faces of those listening to this, though...well....

turd. in. punch bowl.

And you know what?

I call bullshit. If 50% of males and nearly the same percentage of women will get cancer in their lifetime, we need to be talking about it more. And not just when it doesn't make people bummed out or uncomfortable. Or at an event specifically for "OUR" Cancer Awareness. We're supposed to live in this happy, land of unicorns and rainbows where cancer doesn't exist? Or where at least we're not reminded of it? Blissfully in denial? Yet there are so many different kinds of cancer that some cancers have to share months of "awareness"? And ribbon colors.

Just think about that for minute.

While we're on the subject, these months of "Awareness"...like people aren't aware that Breast Cancer or Brain Cancer or Colon Cancer, etc. exist? Let's be honest, and say that these months are really fundraising months for these cancers where we focus on a type of cancer and those who are involved are given more focus by legislators and the public to have a voice to plead their case: Please fund our organizations for research and support. Please help us find a CURE. Well, I would like permission to say that 12 months of the year without being accused of being "inappropriate".

No, I take that back. I'm not asking for permission. Fuck it. I have a #braincancerpass #freepass, Excuse me if I make you uncomfortable or bum you out by talking about my condition when it's "inappropriate". I. have. brain.cancer. And if we don't start talking about cancer more freely, when will it be cured? Is there a disease that has a precedent in modern times - one that affects so many people, and yet we're not frantically pouring money, time, and energy to find a cure?

I know there are a lot of hard-working scientists in research facilities around the world, trying to uncover the mysteries of this disease. And I know this is complicated because each form of cancer has it's own idiosyncrasies. So, let's talk about it. And not act like it's a turd in a punch bowl.

OH, you know my Schmoopy, the one with a "way with words"? At our last oncologist and neuro-oncologist's appointments this month, he asked them point blank: "Do you think we'll ever find a cure for cancer?" Since this has gotten ridiculous long, and that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish, I'll save their answers for another blog entry. But you've got to admit, that's a pretty ballsy thing to ask them, no?

And everyone likes a cliffhanger, right?