The One in Which I Unveil the GBM Warrior Weight Loss Plan!

Warning: The following blog post is for entertainment purposes. You might not find it entertaining - You may even think it's tasteless and insensitive , but if you don't get the Ninja Warrior's sense of humor by now - STFU! Obviously , this is in no way meant as real medical advice and results will vary. DUH! So, don't even try to sue my ass.

For the low, low price of FREE (you get what you paid for!) , we're offering you the:

GBM weight loss secret!*

You've heard and seen the results...at least from me. I've lost over 30 lbs. in the last seven months. Now, I'm revealing my secret...

Step One: (I'm not gonna lie to you. This is the hardest part!) You have to somehow get a glioblastoma multiforme malignant cancerous tumor in your brain. This may sound extreme, but are you serious about losing weight? Come on! The problem is...that this tumor is impossible to buy (I'm assuming...I haven't checked craigs list - you never know...) and completely random. You could try the suggestions below WITHOUT the GBM tumor, but you really need to be committed  - like, pretend you have the tumor. Hey, "Fake until you make it" Isn't that what they say? If you aren't lucky enough to have a GBM, you can skip to Step Five.

Step Two: At first, if you have, indeed, been diagnosed with GBM, you will have a reflexive desire to FREAK OUT and cry and wail on the shoulders of your best friends. Fortunately, presumably freaking out has some calorie burning qualities. You could probably "Google that Shit'...
Okay, I just did and there are plenty of hits on that one. FYI - if you're counting crying as your main method of burning calories/cardio, you might want to rethink your strategy. I have REAL brain cancer, and if you are pretending you have brain cancer to try lose weight...and I'm walking about 3 miles a day (non-chemo week) ...get off your ass and do some real exercise! If you have a fitbit, you can compete with me - Do you wanna have your ass kicked by a person with brain cancer? Think about it. So, connect with me on fitbit. Email: junemirassou@gmail(dot)com

Motivate yourself to MOVE with me!

Step Three: You get this cool, stylish hard plastic face-covering to wear - if your doctor recommends radiation treatment. There is one hour during the day where it would be impossible to eat anything worthwhile because the holes for the mask are far too small, plus your mouth is covered. You will burn some calories FREAKING OUT again the first few times at least, until you get used to being pinned to a metal table while they do their zappity-zap radiation treatment. Disclaimer: Sometimes, they prescribe steroids to help with the inflammation of the brain, and that actually stimulates the appetite, so you may not start seeing results until your initial treatment is complete.

Fess Parker Hat not included.

Step Four: This is when the real weight loss kicks in - chemotherapy. During the initial treatment, the dosage of chemo, isn't too bad - but it will definitely destroys your appetite when the dosages get larger. The tummy is sensitive - and often food tastes weird anyway. Again, only the LUCKY people with actual GBM tumors have access to this powerful poison medicine and BONUS! appetite suppressant .

OH, Mr. Gnome! What happened to you? Maybe it's because he's a bobble head?

And it arrives in the mail in this cool plastic bag with yellow Hazard text all over it. Imagine the fun you can have with recycling these bags for pranks after the medicine is gone! (The possibilities are endless!)

Step Five: After the FREAK OUT (see Step 2), start to research (Google that Shit!) "anti-cancer foods" and "cancer fighting diet". There are some controversies regarding this - but there are some principles that are widely regarded as "common sense" healing/healthy food.

So, like I said: You get what you pay for! [Kiddos: I am in the middle of creating a separate page with some REAL resources that might helpful, but I feel like a smartass today, so you get what you get!]

Love,
June Xoxoxo #mfbcfnw

P.S. I'm under a doctor's care and trying to maintain a healthy weight to maximize my body's ability to heal and be healthy. This is a JOKE! This is not supposed to be real medical advice.

*There is probably some cost involved, but the amount you owe is entirely dependent on your insurance. Thanks, Obama!

The One in Which I Question Why You MIGHT Think I Look Healthier

You know June is feeling better when...you get two blog posts in two days! Yay! Bonus!

I apologize in advance if this one is a little rambly. I've been thinking about this issue, from another angle, for quite a while, but it was this video that multiple people posted on Facebook yesterday that pushed me over the edge:

As I've said before, I've struggled with my weight throughout my life, and in fact, this blog was originally conceived as a space where I could share my attempts to "live a full life". At the time, I thought that was finding balance with work, family, fitness, etc. This was way before my diagnosis.

By the way, I neglected to acknowledge my cancerversary! How silly of me! I was diagnosed on September 24, 2014, which means that it's been 7 months since I found out that have GBM!

I always thought that couples "month anniversaries" were so lame. 7 months living with cancer? I'm alive? Woot!'

Pre-cancer, I was one of those women who never felt that I could get it right - never felt that I measured up to standards. If I focused a lot on weight loss and exercise, I felt that I was neglecting my family and my work. I was always trying to do it all, be it all....let's face it: be perfect. I started following twitter personalities and communities, searched using keywords like: "fitspo", created numerous boards related to fitness and "health". <---notice I put that in quotes.

And then...and then...I found out that I had brain cancer. And not too surprisingly, my focus was/is on something else. I unfollowed many people on twitter, stopped searching "fitspo", deleted pinterest boards and started new ones.

One thing that I've noticed when people who haven't seen me since my diagnosis...it's very subtle, but there's a quick scan of my body and a very well-meaning response, "You look GREAT!" I know some of that comes from that instinct: I thought you would like you were on death's door because you have brain cancer, but I also noticed that you've lost a lot of weight kind of look. I'm sorry...there's something kind of fucked up about that on a level I haven't quite processed yet. #braincancer #freepass

I know not everyone is commenting on my weight loss. I have to admit that I do look ...well, healthier, than I would have expected at this stage in the game.

Do you want to know my secret? Kiddos? Eating things (when I can) that I've extensively researched that I think will help me live longer. <cross your fingers!> 
side note: I wonder how many people would actually "subject" themselves to this without cancer. You decide...

No, I don't eat just fruits and veggies - but isn't this purty?

The things I eat that will help me live longer are the same things that will help us ALL live longer*...and feel better...and yes, be HEALTHY <----notice that this is NOT in quotes.

I'm not one of those people who's been on a million diets - I've never done the cabbage soup diet, or cleanses, etc. I've done one paid weight loss program, which I won't name here because I don't want my ass sued. Truth be told, I lost a lot of weight with them...more than once. And it involves you making choices - which is a good thing, because your (theoretically) learning how to eat "healthy". But people will always find a way to wiggle around "the rules" because let's face it: we have an UNhealthy relationship food. We are using food to satisfy needs other than fueling our bodies. And that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish that I'm not going tackle here.  Helpful hint: eating a whole bag of "baby carrots" or an entire watermelon isn't probably a good idea and those "100 calorie packs" are 100 calories because there are only a few cookies/crackers in each bag - still, they're loaded with processed white flour and sugar.

The calories in/calories out has been in so drilled in to our society that it's practically spoon fed to us as babies. (sorry for the horrible pun!)

Gratuitous picture of my granddaughter, Autumn, who isn't even eating with a spoon yet. Isn't she adorable?

#freepass #autumncoffeykid < -- Yes, she has her own hashtag! DUH!
</rambleoff>

And shouldn't that be a red flag when you hear yourself saying: "It's the only thing that works for me..." but I have to keep going back to that because it isn't really my lifestyle? It's something I "do" for a certain period of time to lose weight? 

Another bad pun! haha! Sorry. I've never like ham anyway!

I'm not going to bore with you with details ...I find that most people have a very low tolerance for being told what's healthy eating. And I've found that there's some a lot of controversy out there. If you're actually interested, Private Message me and we can talk. The one message I want to get out is this, regardless if you want to lose weight or just be healthier:

STOP EATING CRAP! STOP EATING PROCESSED CRAP!

Lean in to the screen so you can really hear me: 

IT'S. NOT. FOOD.

It's just like the video and the photoshopped girl. That's not a real person. Most of what Americans eat is not real food.

EAT LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. BECAUSE IT DOES.

And if you should see me sometime soon and say, "You look great!", I promise I won't take offense! I have lost a lot of weight because I'm living a much healthier lifestyle - Really!

...except for this whole brain cancer thing.

*disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on t.v. Who knows? We could be hit by a bus today! FEAR IS NOTHING. LIVE NOW!

Love, June Xoxoxo  #mfbcfnw