The One in Which I Question Why You MIGHT Think I Look Healthier

You know June is feeling better when...you get two blog posts in two days! Yay! Bonus!

I apologize in advance if this one is a little rambly. I've been thinking about this issue, from another angle, for quite a while, but it was this video that multiple people posted on Facebook yesterday that pushed me over the edge:

As I've said before, I've struggled with my weight throughout my life, and in fact, this blog was originally conceived as a space where I could share my attempts to "live a full life". At the time, I thought that was finding balance with work, family, fitness, etc. This was way before my diagnosis.

By the way, I neglected to acknowledge my cancerversary! How silly of me! I was diagnosed on September 24, 2014, which means that it's been 7 months since I found out that have GBM!

I always thought that couples "month anniversaries" were so lame. 7 months living with cancer? I'm alive? Woot!'

Pre-cancer, I was one of those women who never felt that I could get it right - never felt that I measured up to standards. If I focused a lot on weight loss and exercise, I felt that I was neglecting my family and my work. I was always trying to do it all, be it all....let's face it: be perfect. I started following twitter personalities and communities, searched using keywords like: "fitspo", created numerous boards related to fitness and "health". <---notice I put that in quotes.

And then...and then...I found out that I had brain cancer. And not too surprisingly, my focus was/is on something else. I unfollowed many people on twitter, stopped searching "fitspo", deleted pinterest boards and started new ones.

One thing that I've noticed when people who haven't seen me since my diagnosis...it's very subtle, but there's a quick scan of my body and a very well-meaning response, "You look GREAT!" I know some of that comes from that instinct: I thought you would like you were on death's door because you have brain cancer, but I also noticed that you've lost a lot of weight kind of look. I'm sorry...there's something kind of fucked up about that on a level I haven't quite processed yet. #braincancer #freepass

I know not everyone is commenting on my weight loss. I have to admit that I do look ...well, healthier, than I would have expected at this stage in the game.

Do you want to know my secret? Kiddos? Eating things (when I can) that I've extensively researched that I think will help me live longer. <cross your fingers!> 
side note: I wonder how many people would actually "subject" themselves to this without cancer. You decide...

No, I don't eat just fruits and veggies - but isn't this purty?

The things I eat that will help me live longer are the same things that will help us ALL live longer*...and feel better...and yes, be HEALTHY <----notice that this is NOT in quotes.

I'm not one of those people who's been on a million diets - I've never done the cabbage soup diet, or cleanses, etc. I've done one paid weight loss program, which I won't name here because I don't want my ass sued. Truth be told, I lost a lot of weight with them...more than once. And it involves you making choices - which is a good thing, because your (theoretically) learning how to eat "healthy". But people will always find a way to wiggle around "the rules" because let's face it: we have an UNhealthy relationship food. We are using food to satisfy needs other than fueling our bodies. And that's a whole 'nother kettle of fish that I'm not going tackle here.  Helpful hint: eating a whole bag of "baby carrots" or an entire watermelon isn't probably a good idea and those "100 calorie packs" are 100 calories because there are only a few cookies/crackers in each bag - still, they're loaded with processed white flour and sugar.

The calories in/calories out has been in so drilled in to our society that it's practically spoon fed to us as babies. (sorry for the horrible pun!)

Gratuitous picture of my granddaughter, Autumn, who isn't even eating with a spoon yet. Isn't she adorable?

#freepass #autumncoffeykid < -- Yes, she has her own hashtag! DUH!
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And shouldn't that be a red flag when you hear yourself saying: "It's the only thing that works for me..." but I have to keep going back to that because it isn't really my lifestyle? It's something I "do" for a certain period of time to lose weight? 

Another bad pun! haha! Sorry. I've never like ham anyway!

I'm not going to bore with you with details ...I find that most people have a very low tolerance for being told what's healthy eating. And I've found that there's some a lot of controversy out there. If you're actually interested, Private Message me and we can talk. The one message I want to get out is this, regardless if you want to lose weight or just be healthier:

STOP EATING CRAP! STOP EATING PROCESSED CRAP!

Lean in to the screen so you can really hear me: 

IT'S. NOT. FOOD.

It's just like the video and the photoshopped girl. That's not a real person. Most of what Americans eat is not real food.

EAT LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT. BECAUSE IT DOES.

And if you should see me sometime soon and say, "You look great!", I promise I won't take offense! I have lost a lot of weight because I'm living a much healthier lifestyle - Really!

...except for this whole brain cancer thing.

*disclaimer: I am not a doctor, nor do I play one on t.v. Who knows? We could be hit by a bus today! FEAR IS NOTHING. LIVE NOW!

Love, June Xoxoxo  #mfbcfnw

The One in Which I Took Forever to Finish

It's been a little while since I've posted on my blog. I've had this one halfway done and redone several times, but it seems muddled, and I've almost abandoned it a few times...but I'm going to stick through it today and say what I want to say. I apologize if it's jumbled. Have you forgotten that I have a #freepass?

Kiddies, I can not to tell a lie. I came up with the name for this blog long before "It" happened [e.g. B.C. or Before Cancer] ...and I recognized as I started to read other cancer survivors, that lots of blogs have the words "life", "living" and "full"...I'm not going to change anything, but I wanted you to know that I am aware that it's not original. and I wanted you to know that it had different meaning at the time I conceived of it - that sounds a little ironic to me now. It also explains a lot about my journey over the last six months and what's on my mind these days.

So, here's the irony of it all: About a year ago, I thought of starting a blog called"Living Life in Full" and the concept behind the blog was me figuring out to find balance with each all the roles in my life: Wife, Mother, Sister, Daughter, Homemaker, Full-Time Teacher/Intervention Specialist, Part-Time Tasting Room Staff, Wife of Winery Maker/Owner A lot of what I anticipated writing about was how do you live with joy with the stress and distractions(we all have)? How do we maintain "health and fitness" while being a self-proclaimed "foodie" and winery owner? I had struggled with my weight my whole life, but in this latest go-'round,  I had devoted close to 2 years to counting points and running while I attended winery events where they served foie gras (until they made it illegal! <gasp!>) and a ton of cheese, drinking fancy cocktails, and wine (DUH!). And it "worked" - I'd lost over 50 pounds and run two 1/2 marathons...Then I started a new, challenging job which involved much less activity, and the pounds started to pile on again... I thought keeping a blog might help keep me on track and motivated. I followed twitter folks and read fellow bloggers who also struggled with finding balance between all their roles in life; wife, mother, homemaker, employee, etc...I collected those motivational posters. You know the ones...

(Kiddos, PLEASE NOTE: I'm not trying to bash on people who are very focused on losing weight and/gaining fitness. Hopefully, over time, you may rethink what "healthy" and "fit" mean and what you are doing to achieve those goals. but that's a story for another day..)

On September 23, 2014, my perspective changed dramatically. That's the day when they discovered that I had a glioblastoma multiforme tumor, and I had a craniomotomy to remove it.  "Health and fitness" no longer equated for me a certain BMI or how many miles my Fitbit recorded per week. In fact, I found it amusing that my doctors kept saying, You're so healthy!" Um....except that brain cancer thing we're dealing with, right? Message received loud and clear: Health is relative and a matter of perspective.

What I have had a hard time since my Dx is that I've been really thinking hard about who I'm striving to be as a person. I'm not trying to bum you out or be negative, but we all go around thinking that we have a LOT of time to figure that out. But what if we don't? What if we have a year?...or months? or even weeks? What if what you did TODAY really mattered? ...because I have some news for you:
It does.

I could have a fair bit of time for that...or I could very little time...And ultimately, it was/is about being the best ME I could be. So, I started to shift my thinking. The number one priority to me right now is survival - LIVING WITH CANCER - but truly LIVING...with JOY.

I've mentioned before about the Stephen Covey approach to life/planning. He identifies "roles" in your life (e.g. wife, mother, teacher, etc.) and has you think about daily tasks that will help you achieve SMART goals in each role. I love the idea of living purposefully, but what I would find myself doing is focusing on one role or another and it felt more like a roller coaster. I hate roller coasters. Why we deliberately add fear and anxiety into life when there is so much there already?

So, I've gradually come around to another way of "living purposefully". Again, I'm not some genius making up my own approach. Like a lot of people with chronic/terminal/serious illnesses, I split up my approach by focusing on various areas of my life: MIND, BODY, and SPIRIT. I call it "the trifecta". I figure if I can find balance in these areas and really concentrate on each of these areas 1) it will help my healing and 2) it will automatically involves the SMART goals I already was thinking about, but in a more profound and meaningful way. In other words, it gets at the WHY of the goals.

So, I've replaced my Covey/DayRunner type planner and made up my own. I get up and think about what I can do to strengthen my Trifecta - I think of it like a stool that needs all three legs to function optimally. Then I fill in my "To Do"s in my roles - and it just naturally fills in because when you are in balance, the most important things naturally get your attention - if that makes sense?

Very messy, homemade journal - notice I have an additional role here: "Survivor"

I'm not criticizing people to having a different approach. But I'm done with the pinterest boards and bloggers who encourage the focus on your BMI or size of your pants or how many miles you ran today. I've unfollowed all those "fitspo" folks and started following fellow survivors. Sorry. My life is too short. and what really matters to me is that I'm HEALTHY. Maybe your 30 minute workout might be just the thing, but IF it's on my To Do list, it's about real balance: Mind, Body, Spirit = A JOYFUL LIFE. For however long I have it. And I think that balance/joy positively affects all those roles I've been trying to attend to for so long.


I guess my purpose for starting this blog hasn't really changed that much. It's more that my approach to living a joyful life has changed. And for sure, my definition of "healthy and fit" has changed.

So, there it is.  Muddled and jumbled and not perfect for sure. But finished. I can check that off my list under "MIND" and move on.

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P.S. I can't tell a lie. There are other important reasons that I haven't finished this blog yet:
1) I have a beautiful baby granddaughter:

Autumn Elizabeth & Grandpa Steven

2) I am preparing to leave for Paris for a river cruise tomorrow.

Starting in Paris, we are going down (up?) the Seine and going to Normandy, then returning Paris where Steven will spend about three days exploring on our own! So excited! But need to pack!)

I know. It's difficult to feel sorry for me. Did I mention that I have brain cancer?
Just kidding! I'm not looking for pity. And today I have I feel very, very blessed!