The One in Which I Ask What You Would Do

I think Steven and I are still ..."adapting' to the news we got that I had a recurrence in my brain cancer. It's "easier" now that we've made a decision about which option of treatment we'll be pursuing. Or I should say have already begun pursuing. On Wednesday, we received a calendar with all my appointments that have already been set up with UCSF for the next few months. It's reassuring in a way - for a Type A personality especially - to know what is expected on our schedule. But we're still in the very beginning and have no idea if this new protocol will have an effect on the progression of my disease at my secondary site. We are on Cycle One of a 28 day cycle. Day 15, I have a fasting blood draw, then a Neuro-oncologist appointment. If the numbers from my blood draw are okay, I have my "infusion. After six cycles like this, I will just be having the Infusion Days and no Chemo Days. (I think that's right. Sometimes it's hard to keep all the details straight.)

I've already joked about this on Facebook, but I'm only partly joking. I didn't know exactly what the Infusion was going to be like, exactly...but now I know that is NOTHING like a spa treatment (and if it's on the menu of any spa you visit, DON'T choose it!), and there are no tropical drinks included with little umbrellas and the scent of pineapple or coconut - or lime, even... <rip off!>

Hey, I thought you said "cocktail"!?!?!

It's basically a drug being "infused" through an I.V. tube into my blood stream. I'm so used to being poked with needles, I know which arm is the better one with the preferred vein. (Anyone who has had/has a condition that requires a lot of blood labs, etc. is nodding his head in understanding right now.) That day, I begin my 5 day chemo cycle - pill form - at bedtime. At first, I thought, "No big deal...no real nausea with the help of Zofran and the magical MM, etc" and the most reported side effect from this other drug is eye irritation. I felt okay. Meh. Not too bad

The next day; however...I've never experienced anything like that. I've been "tired" before - really, really tired before along the way of this 16 months of initial treatment. But with this new "cocktail", I felt like someone had injected some kind of heavy metal into my bloodstream. Maybe it was like Ironman? But truth be told, I've never gotten into that franchise, so I don't think he's as lethargic and lame as I felt at that point. If I'm totally misrepresenting that character....#freepass #braincancer

What I'm trying to describe is that It required tremendous effort just to sit up or lift an arm or leg. And it wasn't like sleepy, like I had experienced before. The usual prescription for my chemo side effects were not helpful - lots of napping and binge watching on Netflix and Amazon Prime. So, I lay there like a lump. I think I was a lump. A lump o' June. Not feeling very Ninja-like at all.

Picture Ironman all rusted and creaking out: "Oil caaaaan....."  like the Tin Man of the Wizard of Oz. NOT like the Ironman triathlon endurance competitors. Does that clear that up?

Let's just say that it was not fun. That pretty much covers it all.

My clinical trial calls for a second infusion on Day 15 - which will be tomorrow, Monday, February 22nd. Without a chemo pill chaser. So....who knows what I await! Like Cracker Jacks! OOOOH, a surprise in every box! Not as tasty, but the prizes in the box now are just stupid. right?

I've not broached this subject on this blog much, but anyone in a situation like this - not just the patient, but the whole family - inevitably has conversations about "quality of life" versus "quantity of life".

Steven have had several deep discussions on our daily walks lately. And it brought me back to something I thought from the beginning with my diagnosis. That was the birth of The #mfbcfnw! Raawwwwrrrr! I don't remember much about the first few days home from the hospital after my craniotomy, but I do remember sitting on my sofa, with my oldest, April, sitting next me. She was noticeably pregnant (due in March '15). There aren't really words to say to your child in that kind of situation. but I remember saying, "I'll fight this as hard as I can. I want to be there to see your baby...." <sobbing, of course>

This what makes this situation right now particularly fucked up to me. Because I DID fight and fight and fight. And Mother fuckers, I have survived for ...almost 17 months beyond my diagnosis! I'm planning on attending Autumn's first birthday in March! Wooooot! I'm feeling a little Ninja-ish right now!

But I'll admit, when I first heard the news about the new growth in the secondary spot, I was a mess. Lots of sobbing and shell-shocked, really. And in my head, I was thinking,  Am I going to be like aRusted Ironman the rest of my life? Where's my Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior?

I kept thinking over and over...."I really thought I'd bought myself some time."
An interesting twist of words. "bought myself some time". Well, my doctors would say, Yes, you have. You did everything you could do. This disease is just a GINORMOUS MOTHER FUCKER. <(---I think that I added that last bit.) But I'll continue to do that which I can control over to try to give myself a few more weeks, months, or years with my family and friends. I will juice and drink combinations of kale/spinach/cabbage/romaine....(it's not as bad as you think - REALLY!) I'll continue to walk every day that is feasible - except my Ironman days (if I should have more of them)

And my brain-cancery mind has thinking about it...what would YOU do to "buy yourself a little more time"? And the thing, we ALL have evidence before us that tells that we CAN. No, there's no money-back guarantees, but why do we all ignore so much scientific evidence that we're shown that if we do X-Y-Z, that it helps us to prevent certain illness or medical condition that decreases our quality of life. And yet...and yet...

we don't do those things.

Kiddies, I'm not pointing fingers, and I'm not counting myself out of this phenomenon. 

Yes, death can be completely random. You could go out today and just get hit by a bus. Boom. No warning. But would you step off the curb onto a street without looking both ways if something was coming in your direction? I'm talking about a little itty bitty change that could contribute to preventative steps.

I really don't want to have this feel like a lecture. It's not meant to be lecture. Like I said, I've just been having this stuff bouncing around in my mind.

If there was ONE THING that I could leave behind today is to have you think about your life and what you are doing now. What you value. What you would lose if you were tragically diagnosed with a terminal illness. What would you do to "buy yourself more time"? My answer right now? Almost anything. To see my granddaughter's second birthday? To be there when one of my other children got engaged and went to a wedding attire shop to pick out their outfit...and I could be there? OR watch them walk down the aisle...graduate from college or earn a masters degree...

Or the smallest, smallest  things.... I was doing laundry this morning, and I was hanging up one of Steven's shirts. It's one that he has a tough time getting the collar "just so" over his tie, and he always asks me to fix the back of the collar to cover the tie. And as I hung that shirt, I thought. What if I don't ever get to do that again?  I'm not making this up. This went through my brain cancery mind this morning. 

So, yea. You can be sure that this #MFBCFNW is still fighting. RAAAAAAWWWWRRRR! 

No gratuitous picture of my granddaughter because I'm headed out to see her in a little while, and I'll take plenty of pictures then! So, come back later to see it! 

The One in Which I Tell You that I'm not Stable

Not so much "Yippee Skippee" this time. 

Okay, I know many of you know that I had my MRI on Monday, I still haven't posted any results. I usually post a cheery update saying "I'm stable! Yippee Skippee!", so you may have already gotten the gist that...the scan was not stable. Well, let me be more specific. Tuesday morning, we heard from my oncologist - My MRI scan this week showed a change from the last one that I had in July. Just a reminder, in this case: NO change is good. Change is not good. So, I spent a great deal of time trying not to freak out. I meditated and walked with Steven and tried not to cry TOO much...because we really didn't know very much yet. (P.S. Still don't) The oncologist was just reading the report that he got from Good Sam's radiology department. He hadn't seen the scan itself yet. All he really said was there was "a change".

In the late afternoon, we heard from our radiologist (Dr. Rad) - same thing. Hadn't seen the scan itself, but from the report, he was more reassuring and told us a little more information based on that report. Through speaker phone, Steven and I both peppered him with questions, and he used words like, "minor", "subtle", and "very mild" flare/inflammation at the tumor site. What made me feel the most reassured is he said: "By no means, is this definitely a recurrence of the tumor". No, I'm not paraphrasing. That's exactly what he said. I know because I wrote it down. (More about that later below)

I can't tell you how reassuring all those words were. I felt like I could breathe again.

We still have a lot of meetings and research to do, but for now, I "stay the course". I will continue the Temodar cycles and have an MRI every other month. We have appointments with both the Los Gatos oncologist and the neuro-oncologist at UCSF next week. We are considering seeking yet another doctor for opinions. It can't hurt, right?

What we know now, is this: The radiologist said the slight inflammation may be "radiation necrosis", which sounds really spooky and Halloweeny, so I guess we can look at it as timely and festive? <cue spooky noises and music>

I know radiation necrosis isn't something to joke about, but it's better than a recurrence. And P.S. Piss off if you don't find the same things funny that I do. If you haven't figured it out yet, I have a weird(-ish) sense of humor.

Just kidding!

What seemed a little eerie - is that, (I kid you not), I woke up Tuesday and was randomly thinking of how lucky I am - considering the circumstances. I am relatively unimpaired RIGHT NOW from my illness. And you all know how I feel about the RIGHT NOW.

It is what matters. RIGHT NOW.

I can walk unimpaired and without support.In fact, I just started doing this 30-day Yoga Challenge with Adrienne on Youtube, and I am kicking ass - or is she kicking my ass? Either way, I'm doing downward dogs and cobras, and planks to beat the band. 

I'm not physically disabled right now.

 I can talk relatively unimpaired, although, I have some issues with that (especially when I'm tired or just waking up). But most of the time... the important thing is that I can still communicate my thoughts and feelings. And, not to brag or anything, but my mind is still pretty sharp.

Yes, there are some differences. My short term memory is pretty shitty. But I've learned to adapt. I carry notebooks. (Surprisingly, despite my love of technology, I like the ole' paper and pen to jot down things that I need to remember. I call it my "paper brain". So, if you tell me something you want me to remember, and I don't write it down, I have no intention of remembering it. Whoops! I gave away a little secret! (Shhhh! maybe some of you didn't catch on....) <slinking away>

Nothing to see here! Move along!

Okay, as I think about it, all these thoughts were really not "random". I was trying to keep my perspective while I waited for the news about my MRI. And guess what! That is all true today. After hearing the news. The fact that the scan was not "stable" didn't change that.

Yes. It threw us for a loop, and Steven and I needed some time to process it. But if we stay in the present and not start projecting into the future, we are more than okay. We are lucky.

But....but....I could leave at that, and wrap this up in a big bow, but I feel like I need to share with you....

 In a cosmic joke of some kind (P.S. Cosmos, I don't think it's funny AT ALL, and if you could knock it off, that would be GREAT!), we are having some other challenges as a family that my sister-in-love and husband are dealing with right now. The cliche says, "When it rains, it pours..." I know we have a serious drought here in California, but if you could manage to have some drops land on another family, we would be so grateful. Thanks! (I think Steven and his sister have already proven that they're studs. No need to make people jealous.)

The Studs! Look! They even have weapons! Look out!

I had to scrounge around in my Ninja Warrior toolkit and find my Zen Manual. It's a little dog-eared, and I'm flipping through it like mad. Yes, I'm soaking up the message: Worrying never changes the outcome. 

But this time, I'm also focusing on another message: Together, we have so much more strength.
My love goes out to all my Warriors and Angels, and I send my love and positivity to my family. We are so strong. We will get through this!

Okay, so technically Pam & Steven aren't twins, but they are AWESOME!

Love, June Xoxoxo #MFBCFNW

The One in Which I Explain What the #MFBCFNW is Fighting FOR not AGAINST

A couple months ago, when I started to venture out on the interwebs, seeking out like-minded Brain Cancer Survivors, I stumbled across the wonderful blog, The Brain Chancery, which I've shared with you before. And poking around on his site, I discovered an entry that really made me think. And the same issue has come up for me many times as I read other survivors blogs, tweets, etc.

First of all: I have to say that every cancer survivor is on his/her own journey. And I'm in NO WAY judging anyone that is taking a different path. Everyone has to figure out what is right for them - physically, mentally, spiritually...

But I felt like I connected with so much of the attitude and thinking of this guy, Chad, that he really made me take pause with his entry: We Need to Talk: It's About Brandon. Kiddies, I could tell you nothing about it and force you to read it yourself. But I know some of you are lazy busy, and won't get around to it. And it's really at the heart of what I want to say today -   So, I'll give you a little Cliff Notes version here:

Chad jokes about naming his cancer "Brandon", but he gets at a more serious topic of the tendency to anthropomorphize (Dang! That was a hard word for me to say before my brain tumor!) CANCER itself.   Kiddies, "anthropomorphizing" is when you give a human form or personality to something that is not human.  For example:

Like when we have animals act like humans in cartoons and such...

This phenomenon is very common in the Cancer Community. We hear and see things like: "I hate cancer!" and "Cancer sucks!" And I'm not saying that it is a wrong approach. I'm just saying that I tend to agree with Chad with Brain Chancery that it feels a bit silly...
or maybe not silly, but.... unhelpful(?) to me. Because CANCER is just random fucking cells that are doing what they do. There's no reason it's happening. They aren't "out to get me." So, it seems (to me) like a colossal waste of time and energy to spend being raging pissed of them and focusing my attention on them.

Which brings me to my next point... 
(I know what you're thinking...)
So, June! Why are you calling yourself a Ninja Warrior? And more specifically a Mother Fuckin' Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior? (#mfbcfnw) Huh? HUH?

So, I feel like I need to clear up the confusion. I use the Ninja Warrior persona to represent my Inner Super Hero Self who can call upon the powers within me to fight. But I'm not fighting against cancer. I'm fighting for my LIFE.

As a Ninja Warrior, I'm calling upon all of the tools in my MIND/BODY/SPIRIT to find balance...reason...patience...peace, love...joy...hope...every mother fuckin' weapon in my arsenal ---
whatever I need at that moment to fight for my life. But notice that my "weapons" are positive.
So, yes, I'm fighting brain cancer because that's what's standing between me and life. but I'm not spending my days swinging numchucks at effigies of glioblastoma multiforme (GBM) cells (although it's fun to imagine it at times...)

You probably noticed that all the ninja stars I create have positive messages on them. Yesterday, the one I held during my first post-treatment MRI said: Hope and Joy on one side and #beinthepresent on the other. (and of courses, #mfbcfnw) Even the cursing and the "RAWWWR!ing" are my expressions of power, not anger. Does that make sense?

My mom gave me that adorable little pocket-size ninja! Thanks, Mom!

 Maybe it doesn't work for someone else - but I believe, for ME, the real BADASS powers lie in the positive! And this #MFBCFNW is going to keep using them to FIGHT FOR MY LIFE!

The real power is looking at life's challenges and saying, You know what? I'm going to
LIVE, LAUGH, LOVE for as long as I can and not waste my time focused on the stuff that I:
1) can't control.
2) don't add meaning/joy/happiness to my life.

Carry on, my fellow Ninja Warriors! Go forth, and be BADASS!

______________________________________________________________________

P.S. I just found and read another entry from Brain Chancery about this subject, and I'm convinced that we are twins separated at birth - except he's 11 years younger than me. But why quibble?

The One in Which I Explain the Importance of my Ninja Stars

So, I had this high school friend, Pamela H....the kind of friend with whom you exchanged notes throughout the day in high school, passing in the hallway. (Kiddies, this was an archaic custom that happened before cell phones and texting...I KNOW! How we suffered!). We were are such geeks, that I highly doubt that anyone else's notes were filled with the same kind of socio-political commentary that ours had. (We were 17 years old! Jeebus!)

I went off to college in D.C. to study political science (go figure!) , and then my parents moved far away from our hometown, so I lost contact with pretty much all of my high school friends throughout the following years. Until Facebook happened. Suddenly, I was able to reconnect with so many of my hometown friends - and just in time for our <mumble,mumble> reunion! What a great time, reconnecting In Real Life with these people!

How is it that the one picture I have of Pamela at the reunion, she is not facing the camera??? Oy!

I look at this picture now and see so many faces that have reached out to me in the last 3 months and filled me with so much support and love and encouragement...Just give me a minute...
<grabbing some tissues>  Big Hugs & Smooches to all of you! You have no idea how much you have helped me through this challenging time.

But I digress...Shocking, I know. I usually am so good at staying on point and being succinct...
<snortle!> Hey, give me credit because: 1) I always have a point and 2) I eventually get there!

Pamela lives in New York State now in a place that sounds like Shakespeare lived there at one time - which totally makes sense because she has always been wicked smart and had a love of literature. I mean, she studied Latin in H.S. - on purpose! And she's a librarian! (Yes, kiddies, these still exist today in some locations! Google that Shit if you don't know what it is.) It was amazing at the reunion how quickly we slipped back into our conversations, like no time at passed at all. It was difficult to get into anything deep (see picture above for evidence), but I had heard that she was going through her own Ninja Warrior Caregiver Superhero experience back then...

So, I guess it shouldn't have been a surprise to me at all that a package arrived from her "Shakespeare-town" not long after I went public about my diagnosis. It was filled with thoughtful, lovely treasures to amuse and comfort me, including this:

A handy camo tote bag, filled with little ninja stars to remind me that I had permission to FEEL many things on this journey. In fact, it was a given.

What she didn't know at the time was that she had sparked an idea within me: 1) I could learn to make ninja stars myself. Any self-respecting Ninja Warrior should know their way around their tools and improvise as required, right? and 2) These could be a physical manifestation of not just my feelings, but my hopes and inspiration and strength...

And that's how the idea was born to make my own Ninja Stars. Okay...so, now what?

Step One: Go on the Interwebs and search youtube for a tutorial on making Ninja Stars. (It probably doesn't surprise the kiddies out there that I had many choices.) I chose a simple, straight-forward one that seemed to have a lot of views already. I'm a visual learner, and this worked for me.

Step Two: Experiment with different paper to find the ones that work for you. Cardstock was too thick for me; construction paper was a little too flimsy. The best for me is the already square scrapbooking paper, but I didn't discover this until late in the game...

Step Three: Go for it!

I started making ninja stars before every radiation treatment. I wrote inspirational words or notes to reflect my mood at the time. Steven suggested about 2/3 of the way through that I date them as a record of what I was feeling, but it was too late. And besides, I have this blog if I ever need to look back for that, right?

Then I made ninja stars for all of the radiation technicians and nurses who I saw ever day with a note telling them how grateful I was for their compassion and care, and reminding them that they were Superheroes, too! It got to be a routine: they would ask me what I had on my ninja star that day, and I would clutch it across my chest while strapped into The Mask, pinned against the table, and being zappity-zapped.

Part of my collection - I keep finding them in pockets and purses...

They have been such a source of comfort and strength and focus for me. And now that my initial treatment is done, I guess I'm a little addicted. I started making ninja stars for others - my Carson School Family and my Steven Kent Family... These say, "Live Laugh Love". It's a simple message, but when it comes down to it, it's pretty simple.

I wish that for all of you  - 

not just during this holiday season, but every day.

The One in Which I Decide that Caregivers are Superheroes - and Steven needs a Name!

It's been a surprisingly challenging week, this week, the week after my initial treatment of chemo/radiation has ended. There was a certain comfort to knowing exactly what our schedule would be the past six weeks of treatment. We were in a routine, and, it felt like we were actively doing something to TREAT my condition. Now, I'm supposed to "rest and recover", gradually allowing my brain to heal from the ...let's face it - trauma that it's been through. All while I watch the world around me swirl into a frenzy of activity related to the holiday season. And trying NOT to project into the future and think about the possible results of my next MRI in January....

Add into the mix that I have had to slow down due to the fatigue of the final seven days of radiation "boosts" and the cumulative effects on my speech, timed perfectly with Steven's semi-regular issues with his ears/hearing. You see, his ears get all plugged up from time to time ... which are not that great anyway. I know wives say that their husbands claim they can't hear them, but Steven has actually been tested. And the results indicate that his ability to hear high and low sounds are fine, but the range of the regular human speaking voice is compromised in one of his ears. Doesn't that sounds like a SUPER combination with someone who is experiencing speech challenges and has to repeat herself anyway to be understood?! 

Let's just say that there have been a few moments of .... "frustration" and leave it at that. Okay, I may have been a  little snippy with Steven this week at times when he asked me to repeat myself. But damn it! He's never snapped back! I would say that he has the patience of Job, but then I would feel compelled to Google that shit and fill you in on the origin....

 But I can confidently say (without any further research) that he has much more patience than Steve Jobs had - and I think all of us can agree on that without even having to look it up on the interwebs, or read/watch one of his many biographies.  (And I don't even have to throw my Apple employee friends under the bus on this one. You're welcome.) I'm not a hater. I'm just saying that's not one of his "defining characteristics", shall we say?

But I'm not talking about Steve Jobs. 

I'm talking about Steven Mirassou. 

My Schmoopy. 

My Rock. 

and now my Caregiver.

"Caregiver" - that's the term that's widely used to describe the friend or family designee who is primarily responsible for the patient in cases of serious illness. It's a term that seems so inadequate. Today, I simply want to honor him and all the caregivers out there, who took on or are taking on that role of caring for a critically ill family member/friend. This is my attempt, in some small way, to public acknowledge and express my gratitude, knowing in my heart and soul that I will fail miserably at meeting the depth and breadth deserved.

Almost immediately after my prognosis, I identified myself as a Ninja Warrior. It embodied the strength, power, and agility I thought I'd need to begin and continue this fight. And it's served me well so far.

But I've thought long and hard about how to identify Steven - and other caregivers. There is a certain symmetry to calling them Samurai, but I don't think that quite matches...and I don't want to be lazy. Certainly, the Samurai role was to serve another, and they were badass warriors. And they had to do so more honorably and with far more constraints than a ninja warrior (no #freepasses). But, at least for centuries of history, Samurai were chosen from the upper echelon and drafted into those positions as public servants. (Kiddies, if you're actually interested in a long, drawn-out history of samurais..you know what to do!)

Plus, the samurai uniform isn't nearly as a cool as the ninja warrior, no?

Ninja vs. Samurai uniform - It isn't even a contest! Come on, now!

But, the real problem is that the Samurai title doesn't really capture this: CHOICE. 
I'd be willing to bet that all the caregivers out there would say that they had/have no choice. They would say, "Of course, I have to do all the difficult tasks that I have in front of me." But that is simply not true. They volunteer for that role and can duck out at any point. And that's part of the specialness of any caregiver - that they see no choice when others do. They CHOOSE to stay and slog through the hardest shit, keeping it together... Many times - MOST times - trying to continue to do whatever it is that they were doing before and adding on probably 99% of the things that their "charge" used to be able to contribute (at least in the beginning)...

And I'm talking mentally, physically, spiritually, financially...in too many ways to imagine.

It's exhausting even to think about it.

So, what do you call someone who sees someone else in pain, in need of support...and it's clear that it's not a one time deal - that they are making a committment...and they rush in instead of back away? What do you call someone who agrees to step in, stand side-by-side, through it all, no matter what?

Isn't that the definition of a hero? ....or is it a superhero? (Now THAT'S something that's worth googling.) Okay, here goes...according to Cambridge Dictionaries Online:

hero
: a person admired for bravery, great achievements, or good qualities

superhero
: a character in stories or movies who has special powers, such as the ability to fly, that are used for fighting evil or helping people
: is also a person whose actions or achievements are far greater than what people expect

 Hmmmm...both would work nicely in this situation, wouldn't they? But I'm going with SUPERHERO!  Because caregivers definitely have special powers in my book. and they definitely rise above in their actions and achievements far greater than what people have any right to expect.

Plus...Superheros get cool pseudonyms. If I get to call myself a Mother Fuckin Brain Cancer Fighting Ninja Warrior (#mfbcfnw), then Steven HAS to have at least an equally badass and cool name ...and hashtag! DUH!

Let's see....

• Super Schmoopy is TRUE, but doesn't sound badass enough.
• Bald Hottie is also TRUE, but that's just a superficial observation, isn't it?

I think I need your help! Submit your suggestions in the comments below or Facebook, Twitter, email, or text them to me, we'll put it to a vote. Together, we'll come up with the perfect Super Hero name and hashtag for my Rock, my Schmoopy, my Caregiver! Submission deadline: Sunday, Dec. 21st!!!

P.S. Wine Man has already been used...(Halloween 2010) - Sorry, Schmoopy, but it was too good to pass up!

 Special love and admiration going out there to all the Caregivers/Superheroes out there today and everyday! 

P.S. Sorry for being so snippy this week, Steven! 

You are my Love and my Light and my own personal Superhero 

(even when you're deaf as a doorknob).

The One in Which I (Loosely) Explain Ninja Warriors and Why I Think I'm Eligible

Thanksgiving Day is nearly upon us, and I know many people are writing with excitement about the upcoming debauchery celebrations of gratitude. I'm going to buck the trend right now because:
1) In 3 more days, I'll surrounded by some of my closest people in the whole world, and if I start thinking about right now, I'll probably cry for 96 hours straight. And I know there'll be enough tears between us all on Thursday to end the drought in CA. (Hey, somebody get on that! I came up with a brilliant plan to end the drought!)

and

2) I woke up with something else on my mind, and that's how these blog posts originate.  It's a very complicated process. You see...I think about something, and I think about it some more, and then I start writing.

(Hint: It's not complicated at all.)

Lately, I've been thinking about Ninja Warriors. For some reason, I zeroed in on that image early on in my cancer fight and have stuck with it, but truth be told....I really didn't know very much about them!  And as a self-professed history geek, that's not acceptable. Who were the original Ninja Warriors, and does it even make sense to call myself a MFBCFNW?

Okay,  just to clarify, I'm talking straight up Ninja Warriors - not Ninja Turtles or Power Rangers or any of the other video game/comic NOT REAL characters out there. (Not that there's anything wrong with that, but we're not talking about Comic-Con here.) And I don't even mean American Ninja Warriors...Although they are real and exceptionally badass.  Side note: If you are luddite and haven't seen this video clip of the first Female American Ninja Warrior to qualify for the National finals, you are REQUIRED to watch this video clip at some point. You can wait and come back to it, but trust me. She is a badass athlete!

I knew that Ninja Warriors were not Super Heroes. And I knew that they really had no Super Powers. (So, I was on the right track.) I did some research on real Ninja Warriors. There is a LOT that I'm leaving out....and forgive me if I get some facts not exactly right! #freepass! (Like I always say, "Google That Shit!" if you want to know more!)

But just a little backstory for you non-history geeks who aren't gonna google shit: References to Japanese Ninja Warriors date back a 1,000 years, although evidence suggests that they didn't officially start to train them until the ~15th century. The ninjas were real people, fighting real wars, but they were different from the samurai because samurai conducted themselves by a strict set of rules and standards of honor. Ninjas specialized in covert operations and mercenary tactics and general badass-ery. (That last word might not be a real word...but it should be.)

But I want to focus on a few things that make me feel like I am qualified to call myself - and anyone who has/is battling cancer - a Ninja Warrior.

• Ninja Warriors are stealthy. The legend persists that ninjas wore all black clothes including a black mask. But Ninjas would really wear whatever they had to in order to sneak up on their enemy. Actually, mostly they wore navy blue because it didn't contrast so starkly with moonlight. True story. Cancer patients also have to adapt their attire to prepare for their fight.

So, yoga pants and track jackets are a good choice.

Hospital gowns and bandanas are even sneakier.

It's important for the technicians to have easy access to whatever they need to administer your treatment. In my case, that means nothing obstructing my head or neck, so they can easily clip on the Mask of Horror. I don't, however, have to wear a gown, so yoga pants rock for me!

Those cancer cells would never expect you to be as BADASS as you really are in those outfits!

• Ninja Warriors did not always work alone. They were trained in carrying each other on their backs or creating a human wall to lift one up to greater heights. Cancer patients have a team of doctors, nurses, technicians, family, and friends fighting along with them. But now we're getting into Thursday's theme, and I don't want to start crying now. So, I'll leave it at this: In the Ninja Warrior world - NO ONE FIGHTS ALONE! 

• Ninja Warriors used a wide array of tools to reach their goals. While fighting cancer, whether it's chemotherapy, radiation, exercise, nutrition...cancer patients know we have things to help us reach our ultimate goal. Let's hear a: "Woot!" for modern medicine...and a return to common sense healthy habits like avoiding toxic chemicals in your home and food!

• In the movies, t.v. shows, and computer games, Ninja Warriors mostly rely on their physical strength. But in reality, Ninjas greatly valued another key to success: their mind.

Heishichiro Okuse — perhaps the foremost authority on ninjutsu and the author of four books — wrote his last work on the subject, Hidden Ninjutsu: The Secret Thoughts and Strategies of the Ninja. According to him, they regarded nothing as impossible and scientifically applied brain power to every problem they encountered. He regards the nonphysical aspects of ninjutsu as the key to a successful career.

I have taken to making paper ninja stars, which can't do much physical damage except if you throw one of them into someone's eye. (Kiddies, in case this is not clear: I'm specifically saying NOT to do that!) In that case, they would really hurt. OWIE! My ninja stars represent things and people that I rely on to help me - even though they can not physically be there at the moment.

They're a mental reminder of all that I have around & within me,
and I hold them close to my heart during all my radiation treatments.

I guess I first believed I needed to be a Ninja Warrior because Brain Cancer is the scariest, most formidable, ...and (#nobullshit here) deadliest enemy that I have ever faced. And I have no choice. I can't turn and run the opposite direction, and it will just go away. I can't go to my "Happy Place", and all will be restored to normal (although a nap is a beautiful thing). Steven and I are making decisions that are life or death. And it's scary as hell. We have to believe that nothing is impossible and scientifically apply our brain power to every problem we encounter.

The only way to defeat it is to go through the pain, through the fear. Failure is a possible outcome, but quitting is not an option. I have to be a BADASS. I might not look like it in my yoga pants and track jacket, with half my hair fallen out...but that's just part of my stealthy master Ninja Warrior plan. And there is not evidence (that I could find on the interwebs) that Ninja Warriors never got grumpy and/or cried.

And that my friends, is why I believe Cancer Patients & Survivors have earned the right to call themselves Mother Fuckin* Ninja Warriors. 

*MF is totally optional because some of you have boundaries about cursing that are different than mine. And that's totally fuckin' okay! #freepass #nofilter <fist bump!>

Love, 

June Xoxoxo

The Kick-Ass Ninja Adventures of June/The Outlier

So, if you did the math yesterday, I guess you figured out that even with the juice making and the cleaning of the juicer, and the pill taking, and the doctors' appointment, I find myself with some time on my hands.

In my Ninja Warrior Power Corner, I have ever expanding collection of lovely things that people have sent me to cheer me up and give me courage and hope. And what is June's natural reaction to this? To make a play out of it! DUH! (picture Mickey Rooney saying, "Hey, let's put on a show!")

I've been fleshing out an idea that I think could be really sensational. This is just what is called in the biz a "treatment". (I'm lying. I have no idea if that's what it's called. It just sounded good. I warned you that I was pathologically honest.)

The Kick-Ass Ninja Adventures of June/The Outlier
June was an unassuming girl - no one knew about her super powers (except for the one about being able to drink large quantities of wine). She mostly went about her day, looking for the beauty in the world and in people.

Only she rarely  wore dresses. This picture is not a usual representation of her. In fact, on her First grade report card, her teacher said something like, "Lovely girl. If only she wore more dresses." (True story. Or at least as far as I can remember it. Either way, I think that teacher would have her ass sued in today's litigious climate.)

Until one day...she came upon a potentially tragic situation in which she was compelled to reveal her secret identity...

You see, she kept all her most treasured items in this blingy box, deep in the dark, where she thought it was well-protected with a hard shell. (She called it a "cranium" for some reason. Crazy kid.)

 

The box may seem to contain ordinary things for the average person, but everything there was precious to her. She opened the box daily and would appreciate all the unique things that she had in there. She couldn't imagine life without it.

So, she was forced to reveal her alter ego and her superpowers:

 Yes, you see, June was actually a Ninja Warrior who went by the name of The Outlier. All she had to do was ring the bell and BAM! ZAP! POW! She would turn into The Outlier in a snap!

Sometimes she doubted her ability, because she really had never had occasion to use it before...

but then she could look into her magic mirror, and it would always tell her the truth:

June knew it was time to ring that bell and summon The Outlier and go ninja on anyone ass who was threatening her blingy box.  Fortunately, The Outlier had some weapons at her disposal...

First of all, she had these awesome Ninja stars!!!! Take that, you cranium-threatening bastard thugs! (And in a convenient, camo case!)

And she had a team! 

(all good Super Heros do!)

Steven the clownfish (who is actually not as funny as he thinks he is), has a kick-ass superpower. you see, he won't give up...ever, ever, ever...and he keeps telling June/The Outlier how wonderful and strong she is ...even when she isn't feeling very strong, even when she's scared. and that is the most powerful super power sometimes.

Another part of The Outlier's team is "Rad".  He doesn't have superpowers all on his own, but with the help of his magic...errr (don't say, "nuts'...don't say, "nuts"...)

"RAD" MACHINE... he is able to get rid of the cranium-threatening, bastard thugs. 

It's really a very interesting process and could be a high point of the movie when the squirrel presses that little white button (with the musical symbols on it) and is starts playing "Let It Go" and all the cranium-threatening, bastard thugs run screaming out of the box and implode.

Only we may need to to go for a R rating because of the gore and the swearing that would inevitably ensue. How many "fucks" are allowed in a movie before it becomes R-rated?

Let's think on that one.

Another part of the Invincible Team is "Onci" (the "c" is hard, like "Oncky")
Yes, he may look like an unassuming hedgehog, but he has the power to work with RAD and give June/The Outlier magic pills that help protect the precious things inside her blingy cranium box. But his greatest superpower is that he GETS how fragile and valuable those things are, and he is so darn cute, you really want to just hug him. Only you can't. Because that would be inappropriate.

Finally,  June/The Outlier had another part of her team who tripped on some glitter and turned up LAME, so she had to replace him with...

Dr. Awesome McAwesomesauce!!!  

Who is a flying squirrel. 

Obvi!

and what's cooler than a flying squirrel? Nothing. And flying squirrels can never end up lame because they FLY! Hello!?!?!

Oh, I forgot one detail that should be inserted earlier in the movie...
"It's called "foreshadowing", kiddies.)

The things is....not only were those cranium-threatening,  bastard thugs threatening the precious things in June/The Outlier's blingy box...they were using some kind of electrical device to try to get at it....and that was sending nasty zappity, zap signals throughout June/The Outlier's body that caused her to twitch and want to punch anyone in the face. Which isn't an official "Ninja Warrior" move and could get her disqualified from ever participating in any future Ninja events.

So, Dr. Awesome McAwesomesauce worked his magic and concocted a special brew that stopped (most) of the twitching and most importantly stopped June/The Outlier from wanting to punch people in the face.

The last act is kind of murky still, but I know the ending:

THE END