The One in Which I Tell You that I'm not Stable

Not so much "Yippee Skippee" this time. 

Okay, I know many of you know that I had my MRI on Monday, I still haven't posted any results. I usually post a cheery update saying "I'm stable! Yippee Skippee!", so you may have already gotten the gist that...the scan was not stable. Well, let me be more specific. Tuesday morning, we heard from my oncologist - My MRI scan this week showed a change from the last one that I had in July. Just a reminder, in this case: NO change is good. Change is not good. So, I spent a great deal of time trying not to freak out. I meditated and walked with Steven and tried not to cry TOO much...because we really didn't know very much yet. (P.S. Still don't) The oncologist was just reading the report that he got from Good Sam's radiology department. He hadn't seen the scan itself yet. All he really said was there was "a change".

In the late afternoon, we heard from our radiologist (Dr. Rad) - same thing. Hadn't seen the scan itself, but from the report, he was more reassuring and told us a little more information based on that report. Through speaker phone, Steven and I both peppered him with questions, and he used words like, "minor", "subtle", and "very mild" flare/inflammation at the tumor site. What made me feel the most reassured is he said: "By no means, is this definitely a recurrence of the tumor". No, I'm not paraphrasing. That's exactly what he said. I know because I wrote it down. (More about that later below)

I can't tell you how reassuring all those words were. I felt like I could breathe again.

We still have a lot of meetings and research to do, but for now, I "stay the course". I will continue the Temodar cycles and have an MRI every other month. We have appointments with both the Los Gatos oncologist and the neuro-oncologist at UCSF next week. We are considering seeking yet another doctor for opinions. It can't hurt, right?

What we know now, is this: The radiologist said the slight inflammation may be "radiation necrosis", which sounds really spooky and Halloweeny, so I guess we can look at it as timely and festive? <cue spooky noises and music>

I know radiation necrosis isn't something to joke about, but it's better than a recurrence. And P.S. Piss off if you don't find the same things funny that I do. If you haven't figured it out yet, I have a weird(-ish) sense of humor.

Just kidding!

What seemed a little eerie - is that, (I kid you not), I woke up Tuesday and was randomly thinking of how lucky I am - considering the circumstances. I am relatively unimpaired RIGHT NOW from my illness. And you all know how I feel about the RIGHT NOW.

It is what matters. RIGHT NOW.

I can walk unimpaired and without support.In fact, I just started doing this 30-day Yoga Challenge with Adrienne on Youtube, and I am kicking ass - or is she kicking my ass? Either way, I'm doing downward dogs and cobras, and planks to beat the band. 

I'm not physically disabled right now.

 I can talk relatively unimpaired, although, I have some issues with that (especially when I'm tired or just waking up). But most of the time... the important thing is that I can still communicate my thoughts and feelings. And, not to brag or anything, but my mind is still pretty sharp.

Yes, there are some differences. My short term memory is pretty shitty. But I've learned to adapt. I carry notebooks. (Surprisingly, despite my love of technology, I like the ole' paper and pen to jot down things that I need to remember. I call it my "paper brain". So, if you tell me something you want me to remember, and I don't write it down, I have no intention of remembering it. Whoops! I gave away a little secret! (Shhhh! maybe some of you didn't catch on....) <slinking away>

Nothing to see here! Move along!

Okay, as I think about it, all these thoughts were really not "random". I was trying to keep my perspective while I waited for the news about my MRI. And guess what! That is all true today. After hearing the news. The fact that the scan was not "stable" didn't change that.

Yes. It threw us for a loop, and Steven and I needed some time to process it. But if we stay in the present and not start projecting into the future, we are more than okay. We are lucky.

But....but....I could leave at that, and wrap this up in a big bow, but I feel like I need to share with you....

 In a cosmic joke of some kind (P.S. Cosmos, I don't think it's funny AT ALL, and if you could knock it off, that would be GREAT!), we are having some other challenges as a family that my sister-in-love and husband are dealing with right now. The cliche says, "When it rains, it pours..." I know we have a serious drought here in California, but if you could manage to have some drops land on another family, we would be so grateful. Thanks! (I think Steven and his sister have already proven that they're studs. No need to make people jealous.)

The Studs! Look! They even have weapons! Look out!

I had to scrounge around in my Ninja Warrior toolkit and find my Zen Manual. It's a little dog-eared, and I'm flipping through it like mad. Yes, I'm soaking up the message: Worrying never changes the outcome. 

But this time, I'm also focusing on another message: Together, we have so much more strength.
My love goes out to all my Warriors and Angels, and I send my love and positivity to my family. We are so strong. We will get through this!

Okay, so technically Pam & Steven aren't twins, but they are AWESOME!

Love, June Xoxoxo #MFBCFNW

Hear Ye! Hear Ye!! The Radiation and Chemotherapy Doth Commence!

Today is a Banner Day as far as my cancer treatment goes. I'm not sure if that's exactly how  I want to characterize that though. I picture king's men riding on regal horses,  carrying banners that say: "June's First Day of Radiation and Chemotherapy" - which would be really long banners, and a horse might trip and hurt himself.

And for some reason, that makes me think about that Monty Python scene from The Holy Grail. (Hey, I wasn't a MP nerd...my  brother, John,  was. I'm just guilty by association...)

After viewing it again, it's still makes me laugh out loud, but I think you should only click on this link if you have already seen the whole movie. Given this context, this may be a new level of "dark humor" for me...

 

"But I'm not dead yet!"

"You soon will be!"

"I"m happy! I'm happy!"

(Forgive me. I blame it all on my parents, John & Judith Fremer.)

Damn! I'm throwing everybody under the bus today. Look out!

Today, I start my radiation and chemotherapy. I had my "Sim Session" (That's what all the cool kids are calling it. Errr, rather, the nurses and radiation technicians in the office.) Just like I suspected, I didn't get a joy stick  to play with or ANYTHING!  For goodness sake, Mario Brothers on the old gameboy was more fun than this. No, that's not dramatic enough...
The original Atari pong game was even more fun! Seriously. And if you're not old enough to remember that, google that shit. (I'm getting t-shirts made up with that phrase. I swear. And I'm sure that google's legal team won't have a problem with it. In fact, I'm sure they'll thank me and want to order dozens and dozens.)

Okay, I know it looks cool, but trust me on this one....not at all fun.

Have I taught you nothing, Young Grasshopper?

Sure, it probably is pretty cool for the doctor and the technician, but not so much the patient.

 Oh, what's that you say? It isn't intended to be fun but rather to save my life? Ohhhhhh! Well, that's a horse of another color! In that case...Bring it On!!!

I have all my Super Power accoutrements: bracelets and necklaces and Strength & Courage stones, and crystals, and even a flying squirrel. Bring. It. On.

Yesterday, during my "Sim Session", I thought about April & Coffey's wedding and Steven's & My wedding to distract me from The Mask. Aren't weddings the bomb-diggity? Everyone is happy, and people get together that never get together...why do we do that???? I think we should get married a lot more frequently.

April 28, 1990

August 10, 2013

 Or how 'bout this: not wait until someone's wedding to get together??? Doesn't that sound like a plan? (And a lot less expensive, too, I might add...)

"I feel happy! I feel happy!"

P.S. It's the small things in life: it made giggle to create labels for this post, including cancer, braincancer, treatment, radiation, chemotherapy, and Monty Python....

P.P.S. They want us to dress up like a super hero for radiation treatment on Friday. Guess what I'm going as!  DUH!!!