The One in Which I Explain Why the Little "Oops!" Mattered to ME

I completed my 11th Chemo cycle this month. But it didn't go without incident - and one could say I "lost my shit" a little bit about it. Some people - some people that know me really well - were perplexed about my reaction. I mean, I've gone through so much, and what's the big deal if my cycle is off a few days. So, I thought I'd explain why it was a Big Deal to me.

I have collected a bunch of tools to help me through stressful times in my life. Not just with cancer, but throughout my life. They usually work. One biggie is that I go through in my mind and visualize what is going to happen. I try to research as much as possible and ask experienced people what to expect, and I use that to help with that visualization. For me, that helps to alleviate the anxiety that I might be anticipating/experiencing.

Despite my love of technology, it's the paper and pen/pencil method for me. And the system works.

So, it's no surprise that the way I deal with these chemo cycles is the same way I deal with many unpleasant and/or necessary new stressful experiences. I visualize what will happen, and plan for it. Every month has been slightly different, and I can only control what I can control. I work through in my head what I think is going to happen and step through it in my mind. On a Chemo Day, I take my meds at bed time. I have to stop eating two hours before I take my meds. And I have to take an anti-nausea pill 1/2 hour before I take the chemo. I am very careful what I eat all day, too - just in case. Being kind to my stomach and system for the onslaught of poison that I will be subjecting it to in a few hours. And don't forget the towel at the side of the bed before going to sleep, to protect the carpet. Basically, I mentally and physically steel myself for the five days.

Fast forward to this past week. I was supposed to start my 11th cycle of chemo on Sunday. Steven had talked to the specialty pharmacy, stressing that I needed the meds by Tuesday. I take two pills at night during that five day cycle. 180 mg. and 140 mg. I had "extra" pills to get me through Sunday and Monday (why is not relevant to this story) But they swore that they would get the pills to us in time for Day 3.

Only they didn't. #epicfail

Many of you know that I was an avid runner for about 2 decades of my life - and I've met some really amazing people through that passion. I've run three full marathons, and I think three half marathons, in addition to many 10K's and a few 5K's. #MFBCFNW's like a challenge, I guess! Rawwwr!

Sorry, but need to stop here and teach some of the kiddies something:
A MARATHON is 26.2 miles. period. Not just any race can be called a "marathon". If you call a 10K or a 5K a "marathon",  you might see people's eye twitch while they try to be polite and keep their mouth shut. But they are MARATHONERS...and have fucking run 26.2 miles in one shot. And that's a big deal. Get it straight.
A HALF-MARATHON is then (take out your calculators, kiddies) 13.1 miles.
A 10K is 6.2 miles and a 5K is 3.1 miles.
End of lesson. [If I've taught this lesson before, don't forget I have a #freepass and #braincancer.]

My first marathon was the Inaugural San Diego Rock 'n Roll Marathon. I made sure I included "inaugural" because this is important. I knew other people who had run marathons and listened and learned and tried to prepare as well as I could for that race. Like what you do if you have to go to the bathroom during the race??? (I'll have that one remain a mystery for now. Ask someone who has run a marathon for the answer. It could be fun! haha!)

What we couldn't anticipate was that the race coordinators would fuck up a few things  - like they weren't prepared to pass out enough water for us the "middle of the packers"? So, we arrived at the first couple water stations and the volunteers didn't have any water in cups to pass out? (Lesson learned: I always ran long distances carrying water after that because I'm a planner. Also, the route went across a railway, and I had to STOP during my run to let a long cargo train pass through. That was something else I didn't anticipate. Good times. Good times. <--- to be said with extreme sarcasm
I ran the next two R'nR Marathons in San Diego, I guess I forgave them in the end.

The point is - no matter how hard you plan and anticipate what's going to happen, sometimes things happen that you aren't prepared for. And for me...that's very tough. Everyone together, please:
I'm a planner! 

When you run a marathon, they have a phenomenon called "The Wall". At about 20 miles, the body sometimes says, "Uh uh. I've had enough of this." My first marathon, I literally saw people sitting on the curb at around this point. I've often said that the last 6.2 miles of a marathon is mostly mental. Every fiber of your being is saying "What? Are you fucking crazy??? I'm DONE." But you say back to yourself, "You can do this. You've done this before. You can do 6.2 miles. Easy peasy!" You know it's not going to be easy, but...I'm not a curb sitter.  [This is different from a physical "bonk" where your body is just DONE for whatever reason. If you don't understand, Google that Shit. I've gotta move on...]

Finish Line of the Rock n Roll Marathon - Rawwrrrr!

So, on Tuesday, we kept waiting for this package to arrive. I was mentally and physically prepared. And the meds never arrived. I was starting to freak out. Steven called and they said, "Oops! Somebody forgot to push some button...or something..." They were very apologetic, but couldn't do anything about it. In fact, we could expect the meds on THURSDAY to resume the cycle. What. The. Fuck.

Obviously, the person on the other end of that phone didn't really understand that it mattered. But it mattered to me A LOT. I wasn't prepared to extend my cycle for two days. And I lost my shit. Crying and gnashing of the teeth. It didn't seem like a Big Deal for some people around me, but I was mentally a mess. (P.S. Thank you to everyone who offered support and understanding on Facebook when I vented about it.) It might have seemed like nothing, but it was...too much for me at the time. I already was mentally trying to keep it together, keep it together ...wondering/hoping that this is working help keep my cancer at bay. And then altering a cycle made me wonder, is this going to decrease its effectiveness? The mind can be a very powerful thing.Who knows? I kept trying to release those thoughts, but it's hard!

I meditate and do yoga to calm myself down - because that is something that I have control over. And it helps. I have notebooks and calendars, and I write here - which also helps.

One of my journal pages. I think it says it all.

I just thought you should know why the Ninja Warrior lost her shit last week. Because everyone does sometimes. Just don't forget that your mind is a powerful thing. Give it some credit to push you through the walls of life.

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If you or someone you know is going through some tough health issues, I've found this meditation for healing video on youtube that you might like. If not, search and there are a ton. One of them might "click" for you.

Gratuitous picture of my granddaughter exploring her new pillow pet. Someday, I hope she will forgive me for cursing so much. Xoxoxo Grandma June doesn't cuss. Just #MFBCFNW <smooches!>

The One in Which Schmoopy & I go to the Happiest Place on Earth

Not long after I was dx'ed, had my surgery, and started to get the gist of my prognosis, I told Steven that we needed to start thinking of the things we wanted to do and DO THEM. You know the saying: "You better get busy living or get busy dying!"

I refuse to call it a "bucket list" because that implies that we are doing these things because we think I'm going to "kick the bucket" soon. (Where the hell did that saying come from? Hang on. I'm gonna Google that Shit!) Huh! Interesting! There's not a consensus. What?!You thought I was going to tell you? Geez-a-Louise! Don't be lazy. I've got better things to write about...

Like.... one of the things that popped into my mind pretty much right away when I thought about my "To Do List" (See! Doesn't that sound much less ominous than "Bucket List"?) was to go to Disneyland with Steven.

Spoiler! We went to Disneyland last week!

 I'm a big fan of Disney - yet, we'd only went once with the kids ... such a fun trip! They may feel a little deprived about that, but it was a deliberate decision to wait until they were old enough to really appreciate it. And we saw plenty of evidence this week of babies and toddlers being dragged around the park, crying and whining. I've decided that going to Disneyland with a baby is only a slightly better idea than going to Las Vegas with a baby. (Don't get me started on that...)

This time, The Planner in me came out (She's so annoying sometimes!), and I downloaded The Unofficial Guide to Disneyland 2015 and the app for my phone to check wait times for rides. I was sooooo prepared! Only my subconscious - or brain cancer - either one (You decide.) played a cosmic joke on me because in the last minute rush to pack the car for the airport, I LEFT MY PHONE AT HOME! Now, those of you who know me understand how bizarre this is. But it was such a blessing. It was really like I left The Planner at home, too, and I already said how annoying she can be. Plus, I think The Planner is becoming more and more unreliable. with the short term memory loss and stuff. (Sssssh! She might hear us, and we wouldn't want to hurt her feelings or anything...)

Honestly, I'm so glad I didn't have my phone there. I saw so many people looking through the lens of a phone or an ipad during the parade and fireworks, annoyed because people in front of them were blocking their shot. Put the damn thing down and watch it NOW! It's happening NOW! And who the hell is going to watch that video of the fireworks display later? It's not the same. You are in Disneyland! BE. IN. DISNEYLAND.

I confess that my phone is a very convenient, always available camera - so I have far fewer pictures than I normally would. My mom & dad gave me a Canon Rebel for a birthday present this month (Woot! Thank you!), but I am still learning how to use it. I stuck to "automatic" settings so that meant mostly daytime pictures outside. Part of that is because I'm not a scofflaw and when they say, "No flash photography", I listen! <eh hem!> ( You know who you are, Scofflaws!!!)

Waiting to explore the Pirates' Lair - Argh!

Ruh Roh! (I can hear my oldest daughter already saying, "You guys are such DORKS!"Yep! We let our Dork Flag fly freely!

Anyway, without the phone and the Planner, we were FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!! Free to just wing it! Well, not exactly because the brain cancer insisted on coming no matter what (BRAT! Way more annoying than The Planner), so we needed to make accommodations for it. What-ev. Life is about adaptation, isn't it?

And we're learning more and more about the BRAT and how to travel with it:
1) The BRAT gets tired, just like any toddler you would take to Disney. Except I can't take it out and put in a stroller, feed it treats, and yell at it when it has a meltdown - (which seems to be the strategy of many parents when their brats - I mean, sweet, lovely children  - have the expected meltdown in the mid-afternoon.) 2) The BRAT needs a lot of water. I mean, A LOT. We learned that keeping a close check on water intake was one key to success. 3) The BRAT needs to rest. And we need to listen to my body when it's saying, "Yo! Can we sit down a bit? Or go back to the hotel and lay by the pool and take a nappy, nappy? Thanks!" Finally, 4) My body needs calories to counteract the effects of the BRAT. I know that we walked a LOT. And we made sure we stopped and had a snack every hour or hour and 1/2. We even stopped at Whole Foods after we left the airport before we checked in to the hotel! Sure, we indulged in some off-program" food, but overall, we feel better when we eat better. (See, even though The Planner didn't make the trip, she left some helpful advice!)

The single best thing that we did was to suck it up and admit that I have a disability. The first day, we went into the City Hall and armed with a letter from my oncologist (which they didn't ask to see, FYI), I declared that I am battling brain cancer and the fatigue from my treatments (and probably the BRAT, too). So, I needed some accommodations. She checked to see if I needed a wheelchair (no), and then set me up with a program that allowed me to avoid those long lines. Thank you, Disney!  Anyone who has a disability knows that is a hard thing to do - to publicly declare that you aren't "normal" and can't do all the things that other people can do....that you used to do. But in the long run, it's better to just own it and focus on what you CAN do. It's way more fun. Trust me!

We rode about 3 - 4 rides each day and, the rest of the time just soaked in the ...well, I'll just say it, no matter how hokey it is.... the MAGIC of Disney. We all get to be children at Disneyland! And see the world through their eyes. Where else can I rock those ears with that bow?? The characters walk by and smile and wave. Princesses and Chip & Dale waved at ME...(or my general direction). I'm a big believer in whimsy, and

"Disney = Whimsy on Steroids." 

If Disney wants to use this as their new slogan, they're going to have to pay for it. <grin> That's gold, Baby, pure GOLD!

One of my favorite moments was when we were watching the new nighttime parade for the 60th Anniversary, and this little girl was right over Steven's shoulder yelling ...no...shrieking in his ear with excitement as she waved at each character on each float. "Ellllsssssaaaa! Elllsssaaaa! "Woooooodyyyyy!" Wooooooddddyyyyy!" Imagine wearing headphones and having that projected at full volume in your ears, and you'll begin to get the effect. (Note: this is probably way down on his list of favorite moments...) But she actually thought with all those lights and music and other shrieking children that Belle and Ariel and Mickey could hear HER. And in her heart, she went away with that memory.

My mom made me promise to go on "It's a Small World" and sing along.

Steven clearly loved that, too. <must be read in an extremely sarcastic voice>

I even made him continue another Fremer family tradition which is to pose next to a statue and imitate it as well as you can.

What do you think? How did he do? The guy on the right is way cuter than the guy on the left, though, don't you think?

He's such a good sport! And it was so fun surprising him with the picture from Splash Mountain. As we were about to go down the big dip, he said, "Put your hands up!" Little did he know that I had other plans...

I'm in the back, sneaking a kiss on his neck with my Minnie ears on.

I got to get a little something for Autumn Elizabeth to introduce her to The Magic, but I can't say what since I haven't given it to her yet. And I knew exactly what I wanted for my souvenir of this trip. I was so excited when Steven found it, I (almost) shrieked in his ear. With the Magic of Disney, I got to be a member of the Explorers' Club, too.

If you don't know the significance of this, that means that you've never seen "UP". And you need to stop what you're doing and  watch it - at least the first 10-15 minutes - RIGHT NOW! 

May we many more adventures together, Schmoopy!