The One in Which I Talk About Guilt - Could I or Should I

I recently told y'all that my parents are fucking amazing parents and grandparents (#FAP). If you don't believe me yet, I'll add proof: Nana & Grandpa (my mom and dad) started a tradition with their oldest grandchild to commemorate their high school graduation by taking them on a trip...I mean, a kick ass trip. Like Italy, or Spain, or Australia! My Sara...the "baby" (going to be 22 in July) was late in going on her trip. The problem was 1) she doesn't like flying and 2) she doesn't really have interest in world travel. Go figure! She definitely didn't inherit the genetic characteristic that is so evident in her grandparents and parents...and most of her siblings and cousins! So, everyone has been kind of stumped how to make this trip work. I would say about 6-9 months ago, we came up with a solution: Instead leaving the U.S., they would go to Orlando, Florida and do the theme parks. Oh, and Nana & Grandpa's oldest grandchild, Jessica, lives in Orlando! Bonus! And extra Bonus: I got to accompany her! Whooot!

If you follow the timeline, you know that this decision and the planning and preparation was done long ago - and before my recurrence. At the time, I was so excited! I had gone to Disneyland last year with Steven, but you can never have enough Disney, right? And Orlando has Epcot Center - which I've never been inside, just run past it on the Disney Princess Half Marathon.

Running past Epcot in the Disney Princess Half-Marathon dressed as Merida from Brave 

And, and, and...there is also Harry Potter's Wizarding World!!! Hello!!! We are for sure one of the biggest geeky Potter fan families out there. We, as a family of six, would often buy multiple copies of the latest released book in the series and read non-stop.We sorted ourselves into the Hogwarts houses. (By the way, they all say that I'm a Hufflepuff.)

At Diagon Alley - Me, with all my flare! Including my HuffllePuff beanie, of course!

But the recurrence changed everything for me. I've written already about my anxiety attacks and depression...and the day before our trip was supposed to start, I had a full-blown Anxiety Attack. I didn't think I could make this trip without Steven, my caregiver. My mind was dizzy with "What Ifs". I felt like I was swirling around the plug and going to get sucked in. We scrambled with my parents to arrange to have Steven join us. (Have I mentioned already that my parents are Fucking Amazing? #FAP) And I regained the confidence to board that flight - a red-eye from SFO to Orlando.

I had been right to have trepidation about this trip. By the time we reached the hotel, I was a physical wreck. I thought I'd been beaten with baseball bats. Okay....maybe that's hyperbolic. I felt like I'd been beaten by whiffle ball bats. (Kiddies: Are they still called Wiffle balls? I"m gonna Google that Shit....excuse me...) There ya' go! They even sell them on amazon.com! They don't look very ouchie, but imagine a group of Cross-Fitters whacking the heck out of me for 5-1/2 hours with those.  So, I tucked myself in bed and basically slept all day and all night of my first day on the trip.

And now, I'm going to get to my point. I felt so guilty (when I was awake) because my parents had gone through so so much trouble and this was Sara's trip and we hadn't spent the day frolicking around one of the theme parks. I joke around about my #freepass and #cancercard a lot, but one of the things that also goes along with a debilitating disease is GUILT. New June can not do everything that Old June could do. I know some of you are sitting here, with your jaws a-slack, saying, 'You have Stage IV BRAIN CANCER". DUH! It's not your fault. What a stupid thought that you're feeling guilty. But then there are some of you that have experienced this and know exactly what I'm going through. That's okay. I'm sharing this because I wanted all of you to understand, if possible.

It maybe doesn't make sense, but it's real. We feel guilty. And we second guess ourselves a lot. Let me speak just for myself here. I second guess myself a lot. Is it that I CAN'T do ... or I SHOULDN'T do _________ [fill in the blank] This is a huge distinction for me, I"m a big believer in looking fear in the eye and saying, "BRING IT!" I've accomplished some of my best things in life by pushing past fear: job interviews, a semester living in France - and traveling all around Europe right after graduation from college, with just a backpack, a Eurorail pass and my passport....(I told you we had a genetic Wanderlust in our family.)

And I've thinking about that a lot lately. when do you listen to your inner fear when thinking about whether I should do something just because I could. It's a tough one! One movie scene for some reason keeps going through my head. You watch it quickly here:

If you say that you've never fantasized about a "Towanda moment" yourself, you are a liar. But why don't we do it? Even if we COULD do it? Because we SHOULDN'T do it. It's not about fear. It's about the longer-term ramifications. It might feel (really) good at the moment, but then there's a fall out that's unpleasant or irreparable. So, I balance in my head - and sometimes write it all down on paper - the pros and cons of a decision.

I don't regret at all going on that trip to Orlando - although there were some cons (think: Wiffle Bats), but the Pros were worth it: watching the fireworks at the castle with Sara and Steven, getting my own Hermione wand at Diagon Alley....

My New Hermione's Wand. Does anyone know the spell to get rid of brain cancer? 

And most of all, watching my #F.A.Parents interact and bond with Sara. And you know what? I think everyone came away having a great time. Bottom line is: I had to look at the long-term ramifications (like...my health!). And my guilt was a waste of time. That's easier to say now, but at the time, guilt just pushed its way in like usual.

I have another trip coming upon our calendar for the past year - a winemaker cruise up the Rhone, through the same company we went through last year on the Seine. And I started thinking about flying a red-eye from SFO to Paris and another flight from Paris to Marseilles. We didn't know this when we planned this trip, of course, but I had to change my treatment. Oh, the timing would be different in my treatment: I would have my infusion the day before leaving and have to take my chemo pills the first 5 days of the trip. The sounded like exchanging those Wiffle bats for Louisville Sluggers and have the Home Run Derby happen right there on my body. But there was that persistent guilt bubbling up until Steven and I had a conversation with my neuro-oncologist and we all thought it was in my best interest to skip this trip. This is about my health - my LIFE. The long-term ramifications are definitely NOT worth it. So, I had to give the disappointing news to so many people. And you now what? They understood. No guilt, no more. It was clear that it was the right thing to do.

Okay, so we get to this weekend. One last thing on my Goal board for this month: a 5K right here in Livemore. The last night before the race, Steven had this familiar conversation about "Should I? Could I?" I knew I could do it. I walk/jog with the doggies a lot here in the vineyards, and it was perfectly timed with no treatments sandwiched in to worry about. And I decided that I not only COULD do it, but I SHOULD do it. It has taken a big toll on my confidence as I accept this New June and her limitations at times. So, Saturday morning, I put my big girl panties on and strapped my bib on my chest, and DID. IT. And it was amazinnnnngggggg. Yes, It was "only" at 5K (3.1 miles for the uninitiated), but I got a P.R. (personal record) - (To clarify: I have no idea of my finishing time yet. I'm guessing it was slow since I did walk/jog intervals.) I can look it up online eventually, but I know it's a P.R. because it's the first run/race I've done since being diagnosed in September 2014.

I'll set the scene right before this picture was taken: as I'm running under the finish banner, I'm pumping my fists in the air, and pointing to my crazy blue-haired head and screaming "I just ran this with brain cancer!!!! I just finished this with BRAIN CANCER!!!!!"

Thank you, Alicia, for being at the finish and giving me that big hug! (even though i was acting like a crazy person! haha!)

One of my best accomplishments ever. Because I knew I COULD. And obviously I SHOULD have. Because now I know New June ain't so bad. (That's the first on the list of the "pro" column.)

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[This spot reserved for my gratuitous photo of my grandbaby.]

This morning, I googled “Oprah’s Favorite Things 2015”, and the first hit was for a link to amazon.com.  I thought, that says a lot, huh? I’m not going to say anything more about that. (Kiddies:You draw your own conclusions and don’t send messages calling me a hater. Or do, if you feel compelled, but know that I'll just delete it, erasing negativity to my life)  I’ve just been thinking lately about how my list might look and how it would compare to a typical Oprah list. -

So, here it is: June’s Favorite Things – 2016. Unfortunately (for you, I guess?), I will not be hiring staff dressed like Elves or something to run around to your chairs and give you a duplicate like Oprah does. So, it’s okay if you don’t go bizerk after reading and start jumping around like a 14 year-old girl at a Justin Bieber concert.  But I thought it would be an interesting exercise for me and maybe inspire some of you to make your own lists.

June’s Favorite Things – 2016 Edition

• v  Getting to see my grandbaby, Autumn frequently because of all this amazing different technology - smart phones with FREE apps like Snapchat and Instagram. It is like Christmas morning when I get to wake up to see her beautiful face and stunning blue, blue eyes, doing something adorable and growing up “right before my eyes”.

She's not even a "baby" anymore, huh? Grandtoddler Autumn? Any mom will say, though, that they're always OUR babies! Right? Sorry, kids. It's true.

• v  The feel of Steven’s hand grasping mine as we take walks our two rescue dogs around the vineyard. This comes in several flavors, too:

Ø  Gloved hands or bare hands, winter coat or sweatshirt…with or without a scarf

Not that much color-coordinated, but I seriously doubt that the "What Not to Wear" cast is lurking around there...

• Ø  Hats! hats! hats! That have all been given to me by friends near and far. Some of them are handmade by them, and I imagine as I cover my blue haired-head, and think how lucky that I have so many people in my life that are so thoughtful and loving. And it’s amazing how just putting a hat on can make you feel so much warmer!
• Ø  And tangentially related: my short blue hair. I don’t know why. I can’t explain it. I just love having blue hair.

• Ø  Muck boots, hiking boots, or running shoes -  Depending on how long ago it rained.
• Ø  Watching the morning light rise above the hills behind us or moving quickly and watching the horizon to the west to try to race the sunset (to be watched in our backyard).
• Ø  Vines filled with grape clusters, barren vines, stunted vines after the pruning, and the latest look – buds beginning to sprout. REALLY Watching the cycle of something grow is magical.
• v  ½ hour per day devoted to meditating and virtually being transported to my most safe and lovely place, feeling so safe and strong, and refreshed when I’m done. Which bring me to...
• v  Naps. Some days are naps because I feel so yucky from my treatment, and I just want to shut it all out. That’s actually a good thing. But It’s even better when I just need a little rest, and I doze off during reading or a little watching of something on Netflix.
• v  Listening to the cacophony of birds in huge, tall trees around our house about sunset, and suddenly seeing a flock of them seemingly bolt out of the tree to find their next group perching spot.
• v  Surprising a jackrabbit on one of our walks, seemingly hopping fast as the speed of light, especially when Capi and/or Tess see it and start chasing it…as if they could ever catch it!  (Excuse me, I’m gonna Google how fast a dog can run and a jackrabbit hop. I’m guessing that there is a great difference, based my observation.) Okay, let’s start with making clear that our doggies are not greyhounds. One is a pretty lazy rescue mutt from Baja (which means that it’s a mix of pretty much everything) and the other is also a rescue dog. Her mom was rescued while pregnant, so we know Capi is ½ long-haired dachshund, but her dad must be some kind of terrier because she doesn’t have the squatty, short legs. And she loves to herd! Honestly, she’s clearly faster than Tess, but Sssssh! We don’t want to discourage poor Tesla! Anyway, answers.com says “Average speed for most dogs is probably around 25 miles per hour”. ….It says Jack rabbits run 40 mph. Now, I know this isn’t very scientifical* but I do know that’s pretty funny two watch my two dogs try to keep up, and it’s clear they’ll never reach it. Ahhhhh, optimism! Gotta love it!
• v  Watching movies. Usually, I prefer documentaries. I guess it’s the History Geek gene in me. I'm browsing through Netflix and found a series, American Genius from the National Geographic Channel. (Don't get me even started on the so-called "History Channel". I highly recommend this series, though! The first episode is about Jobs and Gates. Even if you've seen all the Steve Jobs films already (guilty as charged!), I think you'll still get something out of that episode, and more from some of the others. Speaking of that....
• v  Friends that don’t judge me for laughing at or enjoying ""inappropriate things". Better yet – friends that laugh with me.
• v  Camping – I have so many wonderful memories of camping with my “family of origin” (my mom, dad, and siblings) and my “nuclear family” (my husband, and children) I learned those distinctive phrases from my Cancer Counselor. Which I guess reminds me of another one of my favorite things:
• v  LEARNING SOMETHING NEW. It can be just a fact or a skill. It’s exciting to me that it’s boundless. The Brain Rocks! Come to find out, even with some brain cancer in it!
• v  Children. DUH! Especially teaching them something new. One of my favorite moments as a teacher has been is when a child first figures out how to read. When they figure out that all those squiggly lines on the paper MEANS something. And by reading you can be transported into another world or imagine what it would be like to be someone else. Which brings me to…
• v  The Harry Potter series. J.K. Rowling is brilliant. In our household, a release of a new book in the series was quite an EVENT. We've even sorted ourselves into the house we believe we'd all belong. Apparently, they all think I'm a Hufflepuff.

• v  And obviously, having my Nuclear Family members together. My children are all so different from each other in many ways, but they’re all amazing people. And it’s great when I get to see members of my Family of Origin and (rarely) when we get to all be together. (See! Aren’t you happy you learned something new today? Being able to clearly distinguish what you’re talking about when you say “family”?) #yourewelcome

Well,  I should have given myself some limits like June’s top 25 Favorite Things or something because I just keep thinking of more and more…Maybe I’ll just pop one in any ole time like my gratuitous granddaughter pictures? Did you notice that I didn’t have to do that because I had the context again today. Score!

Okay, you've let me start. That was fun and uplifting! What about you? And you'd have to be dense to not see theme of my list and how different it is from Oprah's. [Do you need me to draw a Venn diagram? Didn't think so.  But hint: No elves required here.]

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*Yes, I know the word “scientifical” isn’t a word. But it should be.  

And P.S. I know that you can’t believe everything you read on the internet. I hope you do, too. Learn to use snopes.com and when something you read online makes you think, “Hmmm"The Dog Whisperer" was in legal trouble in court. And I thought he had died several years ago. Through a minimum of internet research, I found out that his death was a twitter hoax. Go figure. I'm just sayyyyyyin'.....

I just realized that I didn't really write anything in here about brain cancer. Interesting! Coincidence? or Something More? If you are feeling ripped off, I am working on my medical update page, so you can read some of that by clicking on the tab up above. ^^^^^

The One in Which I Talk About the Power of Art and Whimsy

My parents with some of their grandbabies, a long, long time ago!

I have a confession to make: I'm not a "real" Californian. (FYI: I know most of you already know that. Just sayin') I'm a transplant from the East Coast. Truth is, most of the people living here are transplants - I could Google that Shit, but I don't really care all that much. It's a way to preface the rest of this: I moved here in 1992 because my husband IS a "real Californian whose family has been here since the Gold Rush - (the Pellier-Mirassou Side.) My parents were devastated when "HE moved us across the country - their daughter and two grandchildren". You see, my parents are amazing grandparents and we saw them very, very frequently before we moved. In fact, they made the decision when we did move that they would never let 3,000 miles get in between them and their grandchildren, so they cooked up a plan to make sure they see them every 6-8 weeks. With my dad's frequent flyer miles from all his business, they made it work.  They still have very close relationships with all are kids, and it took a lot of planning and work, but it's been awesome!

Getting to my point....

I remember one time sitting at our dining room table not long after we have moved, chatting with my father about how much he HATES California, and part of his reasoning was that Californians were "too optimistic". This comment has stuck with me. He was a born and bred New Yorker, and I grew up (mostly) in semi-rural New Jersey. How did "optimism" become a negative? (Maybe he will leave a comment below to explain what he exactly meant? Or he could share it with me privately, and I'll let you know, k?)

I don't know if I would paint a view like that about residents of CA, but I have been thinking a lot lately about making sure my life is filled with positivity, joy, and beauty. If ever there was a time for me try to be optimistic, this is certainly one of them. If you've been friends with me on Facebook, you know that I'm very close to cutting the cord there. I'm so tired of seeing and reading all the negativity and ugliness. It makes me sad. We all have this forum to share thoughts and ideas with so many people. What are you using it for? Just reflect on that a little bit, and ask yourself, "Why?" I'm not just talking about the political vitriol. Lean in to the screen for a second and I'll whisper: You know what? The people you are sharing all your very different political/spiritual beliefs are NOT going to change because of anything you write or share. Sorry to burst your bubble, but that's the truth.

But  I'm not talking about puppy or panda videos.  I know some people hate those, too, but I am a firm believer in the Power of Whimsy. Thus all the hours I spent on Pinterest looking at baby animals in my early days of recovery from my craniotomy. I've been reading a book called Radical Remission that goes into the science of the Power of happiness/positivity and healing. I highly recommend it to any other warriors out there.

Come on! Doesn't that make your heart smile?

Lately, though, I've also been compelled by the Power of Art. 

A couple blog posts ago, I made a comment about how you can make your own life. Here it is:

The One in Which I Explain my Paradigm Shift. I think one of my defining characteristics is my belief that we have a LOT of control of our own destiny, and in order to have things go your way, you have to think about how you would do it and then....DO IT. That seems to fly in the face of my father's belief about Californians, doesn't it? Because I was like that when I lived on the East Coast, too. I believe very strongly in living life purposefully. And alas, Dad, I think I was steeped in that belief from my earliest childhood...3,000 miles away from California.

My current situation has heightened this belief even more. Lately, as I contemplate my mortality more and more, and I think about how I want to spend the rest of my life ... (Hey, Kiddies, you know what? You can't sit up suddenly from your casket and shout, "Mulligan!") But guess what? I have some control over what I'm doing right now while I'm alive! Imagine that! We all do. And I call BULLSHIT if you try to convince me that you don't. No, you can't control everything (like these fucking cancer cells in my brain), but I CAN think about how I want to spend the time I have left - and plan my time so I can do some of that. 

So, let me just wrap this sucker up - I, personally, want to live in (see above) positivity, joy, and beauty. DUH! And I purposefully am planning things that give more of that - yes, spending time with family and friends, but also surrounding myself with things and places that make me happy, make me giggle, make me smile, my heart beat with joy. I've noticed that I'm spending much more time looking at art - literature, dance, music, paintings, and photographs and just STOPPING on a walk through the vineyard to notice a bunch of wildflowers. In the lucky times that I get to spend with my children and granddaughter, just looking at their faces, and listen to them laugh, and thinking how beautiful that is. How lucky I am. 

I'm not going to take a long time to get to the flip/downer side of this, but this is part of my point: I really, really, really don't understand why anyone would CHOOSE to do the opposite. Why are so many people out there focused on the ugly, evil, sad things in life? What. The. Fuck?  I'm not saying that we don't ever acknowledge it's there, because we need to do that sometimes in order to make changes. But don't wallow. That's all I'm saying. Yea, there is stuff out that sucks....oh, I don't know. Maybe like.....FUCKING BRAIN CANCER? But I prefer to look and think about this:

Or this:

Hey, this isn't even gratuitous! This picture of my granddaughter fits in with the context! Yay!

I could go on and on, but you get the idea....

So, here's a thought: the next time you feel compelled to go on a rant on Facebook (or whereever, for that matter - the parking lot, or your office lunch room?), instead,  read one of those classic novels that you've always wanted to read, but "never have time". Or go for a walk and look up at the sky or trees,  down at the grass or flowers. Or find out where your nearest art museum and go there when you have some spare time. 

You don't have any spare time, you say? Look in the eyes of your husband, wife,boyfriend, girlfriend, parent, grandparent....you know what I mean. Is it late at night? tip-toe in the bedroom and gaze at the sign of life - the breathing in and out. You know what? That's a beautiful thing, too. And a privilege.  

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P.S. I want to give a shout out to two FB friends from high shool days, Paul Liberti and Craig Shofed who inspired me by using Facebook as a medium to spread art and beauty.