The One in Which I Explain Why the Little "Oops!" Mattered to ME

I completed my 11th Chemo cycle this month. But it didn't go without incident - and one could say I "lost my shit" a little bit about it. Some people - some people that know me really well - were perplexed about my reaction. I mean, I've gone through so much, and what's the big deal if my cycle is off a few days. So, I thought I'd explain why it was a Big Deal to me.

I have collected a bunch of tools to help me through stressful times in my life. Not just with cancer, but throughout my life. They usually work. One biggie is that I go through in my mind and visualize what is going to happen. I try to research as much as possible and ask experienced people what to expect, and I use that to help with that visualization. For me, that helps to alleviate the anxiety that I might be anticipating/experiencing.

Despite my love of technology, it's the paper and pen/pencil method for me. And the system works.

So, it's no surprise that the way I deal with these chemo cycles is the same way I deal with many unpleasant and/or necessary new stressful experiences. I visualize what will happen, and plan for it. Every month has been slightly different, and I can only control what I can control. I work through in my head what I think is going to happen and step through it in my mind. On a Chemo Day, I take my meds at bed time. I have to stop eating two hours before I take my meds. And I have to take an anti-nausea pill 1/2 hour before I take the chemo. I am very careful what I eat all day, too - just in case. Being kind to my stomach and system for the onslaught of poison that I will be subjecting it to in a few hours. And don't forget the towel at the side of the bed before going to sleep, to protect the carpet. Basically, I mentally and physically steel myself for the five days.

Fast forward to this past week. I was supposed to start my 11th cycle of chemo on Sunday. Steven had talked to the specialty pharmacy, stressing that I needed the meds by Tuesday. I take two pills at night during that five day cycle. 180 mg. and 140 mg. I had "extra" pills to get me through Sunday and Monday (why is not relevant to this story) But they swore that they would get the pills to us in time for Day 3.

Only they didn't. #epicfail

Many of you know that I was an avid runner for about 2 decades of my life - and I've met some really amazing people through that passion. I've run three full marathons, and I think three half marathons, in addition to many 10K's and a few 5K's. #MFBCFNW's like a challenge, I guess! Rawwwr!

Sorry, but need to stop here and teach some of the kiddies something:
A MARATHON is 26.2 miles. period. Not just any race can be called a "marathon". If you call a 10K or a 5K a "marathon",  you might see people's eye twitch while they try to be polite and keep their mouth shut. But they are MARATHONERS...and have fucking run 26.2 miles in one shot. And that's a big deal. Get it straight.
A HALF-MARATHON is then (take out your calculators, kiddies) 13.1 miles.
A 10K is 6.2 miles and a 5K is 3.1 miles.
End of lesson. [If I've taught this lesson before, don't forget I have a #freepass and #braincancer.]

My first marathon was the Inaugural San Diego Rock 'n Roll Marathon. I made sure I included "inaugural" because this is important. I knew other people who had run marathons and listened and learned and tried to prepare as well as I could for that race. Like what you do if you have to go to the bathroom during the race??? (I'll have that one remain a mystery for now. Ask someone who has run a marathon for the answer. It could be fun! haha!)

What we couldn't anticipate was that the race coordinators would fuck up a few things  - like they weren't prepared to pass out enough water for us the "middle of the packers"? So, we arrived at the first couple water stations and the volunteers didn't have any water in cups to pass out? (Lesson learned: I always ran long distances carrying water after that because I'm a planner. Also, the route went across a railway, and I had to STOP during my run to let a long cargo train pass through. That was something else I didn't anticipate. Good times. Good times. <--- to be said with extreme sarcasm
I ran the next two R'nR Marathons in San Diego, I guess I forgave them in the end.

The point is - no matter how hard you plan and anticipate what's going to happen, sometimes things happen that you aren't prepared for. And for me...that's very tough. Everyone together, please:
I'm a planner! 

When you run a marathon, they have a phenomenon called "The Wall". At about 20 miles, the body sometimes says, "Uh uh. I've had enough of this." My first marathon, I literally saw people sitting on the curb at around this point. I've often said that the last 6.2 miles of a marathon is mostly mental. Every fiber of your being is saying "What? Are you fucking crazy??? I'm DONE." But you say back to yourself, "You can do this. You've done this before. You can do 6.2 miles. Easy peasy!" You know it's not going to be easy, but...I'm not a curb sitter.  [This is different from a physical "bonk" where your body is just DONE for whatever reason. If you don't understand, Google that Shit. I've gotta move on...]

Finish Line of the Rock n Roll Marathon - Rawwrrrr!

So, on Tuesday, we kept waiting for this package to arrive. I was mentally and physically prepared. And the meds never arrived. I was starting to freak out. Steven called and they said, "Oops! Somebody forgot to push some button...or something..." They were very apologetic, but couldn't do anything about it. In fact, we could expect the meds on THURSDAY to resume the cycle. What. The. Fuck.

Obviously, the person on the other end of that phone didn't really understand that it mattered. But it mattered to me A LOT. I wasn't prepared to extend my cycle for two days. And I lost my shit. Crying and gnashing of the teeth. It didn't seem like a Big Deal for some people around me, but I was mentally a mess. (P.S. Thank you to everyone who offered support and understanding on Facebook when I vented about it.) It might have seemed like nothing, but it was...too much for me at the time. I already was mentally trying to keep it together, keep it together ...wondering/hoping that this is working help keep my cancer at bay. And then altering a cycle made me wonder, is this going to decrease its effectiveness? The mind can be a very powerful thing.Who knows? I kept trying to release those thoughts, but it's hard!

I meditate and do yoga to calm myself down - because that is something that I have control over. And it helps. I have notebooks and calendars, and I write here - which also helps.

One of my journal pages. I think it says it all.

I just thought you should know why the Ninja Warrior lost her shit last week. Because everyone does sometimes. Just don't forget that your mind is a powerful thing. Give it some credit to push you through the walls of life.

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If you or someone you know is going through some tough health issues, I've found this meditation for healing video on youtube that you might like. If not, search and there are a ton. One of them might "click" for you.

Gratuitous picture of my granddaughter exploring her new pillow pet. Someday, I hope she will forgive me for cursing so much. Xoxoxo Grandma June doesn't cuss. Just #MFBCFNW <smooches!>