The One in Which I Unveil the GBM Warrior Weight Loss Plan!

Warning: The following blog post is for entertainment purposes. You might not find it entertaining - You may even think it's tasteless and insensitive , but if you don't get the Ninja Warrior's sense of humor by now - STFU! Obviously , this is in no way meant as real medical advice and results will vary. DUH! So, don't even try to sue my ass.

For the low, low price of FREE (you get what you paid for!) , we're offering you the:

GBM weight loss secret!*

You've heard and seen the results...at least from me. I've lost over 30 lbs. in the last seven months. Now, I'm revealing my secret...

Step One: (I'm not gonna lie to you. This is the hardest part!) You have to somehow get a glioblastoma multiforme malignant cancerous tumor in your brain. This may sound extreme, but are you serious about losing weight? Come on! The problem is...that this tumor is impossible to buy (I'm assuming...I haven't checked craigs list - you never know...) and completely random. You could try the suggestions below WITHOUT the GBM tumor, but you really need to be committed  - like, pretend you have the tumor. Hey, "Fake until you make it" Isn't that what they say? If you aren't lucky enough to have a GBM, you can skip to Step Five.

Step Two: At first, if you have, indeed, been diagnosed with GBM, you will have a reflexive desire to FREAK OUT and cry and wail on the shoulders of your best friends. Fortunately, presumably freaking out has some calorie burning qualities. You could probably "Google that Shit'...
Okay, I just did and there are plenty of hits on that one. FYI - if you're counting crying as your main method of burning calories/cardio, you might want to rethink your strategy. I have REAL brain cancer, and if you are pretending you have brain cancer to try lose weight...and I'm walking about 3 miles a day (non-chemo week) ...get off your ass and do some real exercise! If you have a fitbit, you can compete with me - Do you wanna have your ass kicked by a person with brain cancer? Think about it. So, connect with me on fitbit. Email: junemirassou@gmail(dot)com

Motivate yourself to MOVE with me!

Step Three: You get this cool, stylish hard plastic face-covering to wear - if your doctor recommends radiation treatment. There is one hour during the day where it would be impossible to eat anything worthwhile because the holes for the mask are far too small, plus your mouth is covered. You will burn some calories FREAKING OUT again the first few times at least, until you get used to being pinned to a metal table while they do their zappity-zap radiation treatment. Disclaimer: Sometimes, they prescribe steroids to help with the inflammation of the brain, and that actually stimulates the appetite, so you may not start seeing results until your initial treatment is complete.

Fess Parker Hat not included.

Step Four: This is when the real weight loss kicks in - chemotherapy. During the initial treatment, the dosage of chemo, isn't too bad - but it will definitely destroys your appetite when the dosages get larger. The tummy is sensitive - and often food tastes weird anyway. Again, only the LUCKY people with actual GBM tumors have access to this powerful poison medicine and BONUS! appetite suppressant .

OH, Mr. Gnome! What happened to you? Maybe it's because he's a bobble head?

And it arrives in the mail in this cool plastic bag with yellow Hazard text all over it. Imagine the fun you can have with recycling these bags for pranks after the medicine is gone! (The possibilities are endless!)

Step Five: After the FREAK OUT (see Step 2), start to research (Google that Shit!) "anti-cancer foods" and "cancer fighting diet". There are some controversies regarding this - but there are some principles that are widely regarded as "common sense" healing/healthy food.

So, like I said: You get what you pay for! [Kiddos: I am in the middle of creating a separate page with some REAL resources that might helpful, but I feel like a smartass today, so you get what you get!]

Love,
June Xoxoxo #mfbcfnw

P.S. I'm under a doctor's care and trying to maintain a healthy weight to maximize my body's ability to heal and be healthy. This is a JOKE! This is not supposed to be real medical advice.

*There is probably some cost involved, but the amount you owe is entirely dependent on your insurance. Thanks, Obama!