The One in Which I Talk About my "Cancerversary", Part 1

Warning: Even though you can't see it, I'm probably going to cry like a little baby at points as I reflect on this challenging year.

A year ago today, I was admitted to Good Samaritan Hospital in San Jose with another focal seizure. I had a grand mal seizure (sometimes called a "tonic-clonic" - but that sounds too much like a combination of a gin & tonic - pleasant on a hot summer day -  with something unpleasant that celebrities do to cleanse their digestive tract. So, I'll stick with "grand mal", k?) in August 2014.

Then I had two focal or partial seizures within two weeks of each other in September. It's called a "focal seizure" because it's focused on one part of the body. For me, that was the left side of my face/jaw. Both times, I was alone, and I was terrified, but I put my big girl panties on and did what I could to stay calm. The second time, I was brushing my teeth when it started, so I was most scared that I was going to choke. I desperately tried to spit in the sink - even though I was quickly losing control of my facial muscles. and then, instead of lying on my side, I coughed and coughed as I got on all fours and tried to get the excess toothpaste and saliva out of my mouth.

The things that come into our minds at the oddest times: I was thinking of the movie "Defending Your Life" (if you haven't seen this movie yet, find it and watch it! It's beautiful and funny and touching all at the same time. If you have a macho-man that doesn't watch "chick-flicks", tell him that you have watched plenty of action/adventure movies with him and try not to call attention when he starts crying, too. P.S. Have tissues ready.)

Helpful Hint: I just checked, and it's available for streaming on Amazon Prime right now! Come on! Meryl Streep and Albert Brooks? What's not to like? Anyway... #freepass

As I was I crouched  there, on all fours...I was thinking about a scene in that movie. Meryl Streep's character is explaining how she died and how she felt when she died. He asks if she was scared. She says, "No. I was pissed." I was thinking that as I hung my head forward and let the toothpaste drip out of my mouth. I didn't want die like that. How undignified! I would be pissed, too!

Meryl Streep & Albert Brooks in "Defending Your Life"

But as you can see, I didn't die. In fact, when the seizure subsided, I didn't even call 9-1-1. I asked my daughter to drive me to the E.R. What was the point? I knew it was a seizure. I didn't need an EMT to put through the same neurological tests that they would do AGAIN in the hospital. "Put out your arms. Close your eyes. Follow my finger with your eyes. Smile for me. What a beautiful smile!" (which is clearly bullshit that they are trained to say in this situation. We're on to you!)

So, I skipped that, and we went right to Good Sams. My daughter, Katherine, must have been freaked out, but she stayed calm and drove through the morning traffic like a champ.

They called me in to the triage nurse - and guess what! They did the neurological rigmarole (see above) and sent me to a curtained area in the back. Meanwhile Steven was rushing from Livermore, splattered with grape detritus, because he was in the middle of 2014 harvest.  This time felt different for me though. I felt like I was not through with seizures for the day. And sure enough, not long after Steven arrived, I had another, stronger one, although not a grand mal. (Can I have a gin & tonic instead, please? Thanks!) An MRI scan was ordered.

That's when I was introduced to Ativan, to prevent another seizure. Ativan is pretty cool stuff. I recommend it in times like this. I would be willing to do a commercial for it if anyone is interested. (Hit me up with a text or email!) It's gotten me through several MRI's since then with the help of Ativan, and I'm REALLY claustrophobic. That's how cool it is.

We need a catchy motto, though. "Ativan. When an Advil just won't cut it." What do you think?

The news was not good. My MRI confirmed that there was a lesion on my brain. Doesn't that sound pretty innocuous? like skinning your knee. I can assure you that it is not. In fact, I bet dollars to donuts (Google that shit if you've never heard it. GAWD, aren't millennials silly sometimes? ) that if you had a choice between a lesion on your brain or skinning your knee, you would let your knee take the fall every time.

Especially if you get rad Scooby doo band-aids to go with it!

Surgery was scheduled for the next day. While I remained in my Ativan Dream-Fog, I'm sure Steven was feeling like he was in a nightmare. They suspected that the tumor was a Grade III, but they wouldn't know for sure until after the surgery.

The next day, September 24, 2014, we learned that I wasn't so "lucky". My tumor was a grade IV, glioblastoma multiforme. The news that you have a terminal illness is difficult to describe - and maybe not worth it because you can't possibly comprehend it unless you really experience it. Sort of like childbirth or a Springsteen concert. (Kiddies, don't talk shit about Springsteen unless you've seen him live. You have no idea.)

Springsteen Live = part concert/ part revival = Pure Joy

For two weeks after I got home from the hospital, I imagined my slow decline in health - my death... And then I decided that wasn't a very productive use of my time. And here it is, 363 days since then, and I'm still here. (Hmmmm.... I can't remember if last year was a leap year, and I'm too lazy to look it up. Google that shit yourself! Does it really matter? Details. Details.)

In Part 2, I'll fill you in on what it's like to survive one year with a terminal illness, and what's on my mind as I begin Year Two. I will tell you that if I work this hard on moving into our new house and have a quick demise, I am definitely going to PISSED.

To be continued...

The One in Which I Describe My Amazing August...LIFE

In the last month, I've had four very special events - I was able to squeeze all that in because I had to have a root canal, and that pushed my chemo cycle back 2 weeks. So, let's all give a cheer for Root Canals! Hip-hip- ....haha! <silver lining, people!>

SKWinery BBQ -  Although, I just started working at the SK Winery last spring, they welcomed with me with open arms. They've been family to Steven for 18 years, and we have the good fortune to feel the love and support this year of this family. I hope someday, when I'm done with this chemo crap and my speech gets a little bit better, to rejoin the weekend crew in the tasting room. I'm sure they miss my singing in the tasting station between pours. <sarcastic tone> (You can blame my Mom & Dad for that one. Fremer Rule: Anytime something reminds you of a song, you must belt it out - or sing it under your breath when more appropriate. Catie has the same rule. Kindred Spirits! She even makes up her songs! I'm sorry you've had to go solo for the time being, but thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. <smooches!>)

Catie, my "singing partner", and loving part of our SK Winery Family in Patti's adorable BBQ Barn

Anyway, (that was some serious digression. #cancercard and TWO #freepasses) every year they have the staff summer BBQ. Last weekend, I was able to attend and be surrounded by our family winery. How lucky we are!

Hiking Trip - I wrote about this already (click here if you missed it), so I won't go into great detail about this. I'll just say that it's chock full of family and nostalgia and laughing and LOVE. (And that little bit about me falling on my tailbone. (Kiddos - Helpful tip: those little squishy neck pillows for flying? Work perfectly as tailbone donuts! See! even WITH brain cancer, I thought of that by myself! Imagine how clever I was before that bugger showed up*! j/k! <snortle!> )

Dad & his kiddos pretending we are just starting our hike. Psssst. Secret: We had already finished our hike.

Manresa State Beach - We have had a family tradition of camping at Manresa State Beach for about 4 days every summer. Yes, walk-in tent camping with a Coleman stove, campfires & s'mores, and sleeping bags, and card games by lantern light. The one "luxury" we allow ourselves are inflatable mattresses. I think there was a year when the girls didn't change clothes the whole time they were there - except for into bathing suits, of course. (A Girly-Girl just wouldn't understand the fun in that - We are not Girly-Girls.) Not everyone could come this time, and we missed you, April, Coffey, Autumn, and Katherine!!! The dogs, however, had a blast.

June, Aidan, and Sara on Manresa State Beach, August 2015 (A Girly-Girl would never wear that hat in public.)

This transition that our family is going through... It's natural when you have adult children, but it's really hitting me now because we've always had at least one child in the home with us. Our move to Livermore will mean that we have no children living with us anymore - the classic Empty Nest Syndrome. It's getting harder and harder to get all of us together at one time.  Steven and I took a page from my parents' book and decided that we'll continue to schedule Family Gatherings and cross our fingers that most of us can show up. If we wait until everyone's free, these gatherings become farther and farther apart. And our unofficial new designated Family Organizer, April, is doing a great job getting us together as much as possible. <Thank you, and I love you!>

Daou Winery- 
So, it was very special on Sunday to have all the children together, plus our granddaughter. Since Sara turned 21 in July, it's the first time that the whole family was able to taste wine together <eh hem> ... legally....in public. Katherine is still in Santa Barbara, so we were looking for a place to meet halfway. The ALMOST-GENIUS-IF-IT-WEREN'T-FOR-HER-BRAIN-CANCER (*see above) came up with the idea of meeting at Daou. It's almost exactly midway between San Jose and Santa Barbara, and it's an amazing view of the hills of Paso Robles. They serve real food paired with wines, and our tasting room associate was lovely and patient. Warning: if you ever find yourself surrounded by the six Mirassous, plus son-in-love, Coffey and little Autumn...it can be ....shall we say: overwhelming - in a good way.... in the most amazing, loving, witty, and raucous way you can imagine. Sara's boyfriend, Matt, has already acclimated himself to the chaos, and Katherine's boyfriend survived, so he passed the first test. (hee hee) Sometimes, I just sit back and watch my children interact, yelling and laughing across the table, and I get actual goosebumps. And I look at Schmoopy, and I think "We made this." And now Autumn has added a whole 'nother layer. (Which April & Coffey made...just to clarify...) Magical.

The Whole Family! Look at that view!

Autumn loves Grandpa Steven! He makes her laugh! 

Grandma June tried to get baby Autumn to take a nap, but there was too much going on! The snuggles were good, though!

As we were driving home from Daou, I was playing it all through my mind as I looked out the window - and I got to thinking about all the wonderful memories from just ONE MONTH of my life. I thought, I hope no one is feeling sorry for me right now. Not every month is like this one was, but this is my LIFE. I feel sorry for people that have never experienced the flood of love and laughter that fills my life. It may be cut short, and that will be sad if it happens, but please don't feel sorry for me. I am having the most magical, amazing, lucky life one can imagine. And I SEE IT. I FEEL IT. I GET IT. I'm not missing anything right now. As I've said before, some times we have to adapt - Life is constantly changing for everyone. But that doesn't take the MAGIC away.

I SEE IT. I FEEL IT. I GET IT.

The One in Which I Talk About Forgiveness

I am dipping my toes back into some squidgy territory - I try not to post or talk about politics, sex, or religion unless I'm in a "safe place"  - but I've created this blog to share my mind, body, and spirit as a way to face this challenge of being diagnosed with a terminal illness, glioblastoma multiforme. This should be my ultimate Safe Space. This is me, and I've been focused on the spiritual lately. Feel free to skip this post if it makes you angry or bored. I won't be offended. Promise. And how would I know, really? See, you have a #freepass, too! But if you have the time and inclination, sit a spell and take in what's on my mind.

Cute Puppy picture to ease you into the seriousness of this post...

Depending on your perspective, you may be very surprised or not surprised at all to hear that I've been thinking about forgiveness lately. If you know June AKA the Ninja Warrior, you know that I don't believe in a God as an entity outside of ourselves, so how is forgiveness even applicable? Why am I even thinking about it?

Actually, I am thinking about it in two ways, because of my spiritual beliefs. Since I believe God/Goodness is in all of us - I would treasure forgiveness from anyone I've wronged, and I need to find forgiveness in my heart for people who have wronged me. I think hate and resentment are a waste of time -  (and I don't have time to waste). Also, I think it's toxic - both spiritually and physically.

So, even though I may be wrong about the details and specifics of God and heaven/hell, etc, if I strive to be a kind, loving, and generous person, I've done what I set out to do. I didn't do it to go to heaven. (because I don't believe in heaven) And I believe that if there's a God (like many, many of you believe), he/she will welcome me with open arms because I lived my life understanding: It's not about being right. It's about doing the right thing.  Please don't write me to change my mind or save me. I'm very comfortable with my faith and don't feel like I need to be saved. And if you do, I'll forgive you because I know your heart is in the right place. But I probably won't respond. Which is why I don't usually write or talk about religion, sex, and politics in the first place. By our age, we pretty much think we have it figured out and are not really interested in other opinions. So, I'm writing this more to reflect the Authentic Me, not to try to change anyone else.

I think I was meant to have blue hair, too. 

Someone asked me how I define "Good/Godly" and "Bad/Evil". Interestingly enough, most of the world's major religions are based on the same principles: Kindness, Generosity, Thoughtfulness...Love. And I don't believe that is a mistake. They all also have elements of their dogma that are exclusionary and unfair in my opinion. That actively HURT other people. That's no bueno with me.Which is why I have always found it better for me to not associate with any particular organized religion, but rather focus on the part of them that would make me better person. Because I don't believe in heaven and hell, it's not about being rewarded or punished for your behavior. It's about the legacy you leave behind. We are role models to the world - in some cases, "change agents". We can spread around Good and have it bloom within everyone we touch, or we can stoke the fires of Evil within people, spreading hatefulness and injustice in everyone we touch. And if we see someone/people doing evil things like this and do nothing to change it...we are accessories in a way, aren't we?

It's been far too long since my last Harry Potter reference!

My Internal Compass
I remember being very young and doing something wrong. I had a visceral reaction saying, "Stop. That's not right." You're hurting someone/something else. And if I did something kind or good, I would feel a different sort of feeling. A warmth, a glow... a JOY. So, what about people who don't feel this? I believe they have cut themselves from their spirit. (And I can name examples of this within every major world religion. No religion has a monopoly on this.) This is paramount to my belief system. TRY to tap into that goodness inside you every day. Feel it, embrace it, and use it as an "internal compass". I strive to be as "Good" as I can every day - but we all have faults. We all make mistakes. We are not perfect. But we have to learn to forgive ourselves for our imperfections. I continue to use my internal compass to shift my direction if I've gotten off-course and forgive myself.

My Internal Compass - Oh, shit. What if that compass in my head has been causing my brain cancer all along? j/k! :)

When it comes to forgiving other people, it's usually easy when I can see that if they've "wronged" me in some way, it's come from a place of thoughtlessness. Or they may even have kind intentions, but they have no clue how to get to their intended "outcome". And one of my Rules of Life is when you wrong someone, say "I'm sorry." An apology is so powerful.  I've gone over my life and thought about the good and bad that I have done - and I am working on how to be forgiven - by other people and myself. If I've wronged you in any way - please know that I'm sorry. I guarantee that whatever it was, it came from a thoughtless place. My intention was never to hurt someone...except that one time...(just kidding!)

When it comes to other people, I've mostly forgiven ... without any apology. I've come to believe that most people probably don't even know that they've hurt me so deeply that I've been carrying it around all these years. (Kiddies, something that you'll learn as you get older: most of us are so wrapped up in our own stuff, they aren't paying too much attention to you.)

What I am most troubled with is those that have hurt children. The Mama Tiger comes out. 

Warning: Don't mess with a Mother Tiger. She'll fuck you up.

That's why having/working with children can be so difficult. Their hearts and souls are so open, and they are so vulnerable. I remember my 2nd year of working as a fifth grade teacher, It was close to the beginning of the year, I had given a writing assignment with very specific instructions. As I walked around the room, looking over the students' shoulders, I saw one boy who had not followed the instructions, despite how clearly I thought I had been. <warning:any teacher will cringe to read the next part> I snatched his paper off his desk, said something (probably snotty and self-righteous), and crumpled his work up and threw it in the garbage. His face was full of shame and hurt. I felt that visceral "You've done something wrong" feeling immediately, but I was a new teacher (and this probably doesn't sound so bad to some). It's definitely Old School behavior, but I clearly hurt the student's feelings. I was trying to make a point, but I missed the point. I stewed on my shame the rest of the day and into the night. The next day, right away, I told the class that I had to talk to them about something important. And then I publicly apologized to this student in front of them all, admitting that what I did was wrong. The looks on the faces of the children in this class...I will never forget it. Adults can be wrong? Teachers can apologize? It changed the whole culture of our class for the rest of the year. I remember this incident, not because I carry shame today, but because this is an example of me righting my course after referring to my internal compass.
Apologies can be powerful.

Still Working on Forgiveness - Maybe You Can Help?
Honestly, the only people I'm having trouble forgiving, are people who have hurt my children. I'm working to get past most incidents because the person was thoughtless and the damage was minor. The Mama Tiger rears her head.

I have one person in my life that I am having a lot of trouble forgiving. Maybe you can help me? My younger two daughters played competitive soccer most of their youth. In fact, one of them continued to play through college. The other one was having a particularly rough time in early adolescence (Sometimes-I-felt-like-I-was-in-a-TV-movie kind of rough), and competitive soccer was one of the few positive things that she was still involved in. She had joined a new team in the fall and was very successful in her role as striker/forward, scoring many goals for the team, and had made many new friends. Her coach was clearly serious about building a team that would eventually make it to Nationals and win the cup. If ever I would describe a man as Machiavellian (and I don't think I have in my "real life - I had to spell check that sucker!), it would be him. We knew he was having problems with Sara's attitude/work ethic, but there was never a sit-down and talk about how we can improve your performance conversation in spring season. No warning, no "probationary period". She was cut from the team, unceremoniously, by calling her cell phone. She cried...no, sobbed - and will still occasionally sob when she brings the topic up. (This was 5 or 6 years ago!) He was a youth soccer coach. I entrusted my daughter to him not just to improve her soccer skills, but to help encourage her, support her, and form her during some delicate years of life for a young person.She never played competitive soccer again. And we had a very difficult couple of years with her. I wasn't asking him to replace us as parents, and I'm not blaming him for what came next. He was within his rights to cut her from the team, but he did it in such a ... unforgivable way? And imagine the difference it would have made in her life if he had not given up on her? I am trying to forgive him, but what were his intentions? It was not thoughtlessness. Maybe it was...but as I said, with children, it's different. I guess that's why I'm having such a hard time letting this one go. It was MY responsibility as the Mama Tiger to protect my child from someone like that. And for that, I'm sorry because I failed.

P.S. I think I'm FB friends with almost every single one of my girls' youth soccer coaches, so if you happen to read this far, Mama Tiger says,THANK YOU!

And Kiddies, Good News! You have control over this, too. If you feel yourself surrounded by Goodness & Joy, celebrate it, embrace it, stay where you are. If, on the other hand, you frequently feel that you are in touch with people that tap into Evil and Hurtfulness, get away from it as soon as possible. If you are having trouble doing it by yourself, reach your hand out and ask for help. Life is much, much better surrounded by Love, Goodness, & Joy. 

Trust me. Trust yourself.