The One About The "Sweet Spot" Harvest Season

I’ve Warning: Not completely proofread!

had on my To Do List for a long time to attend a support group(Not surprisingly cancer warriors do better if they reach out for support not only from family and friends, but also people who can completely relate with them about what they are experiencing.I finally made it to one last week and one of the topics* that came up was anger – are you angry about anything? and how are we dealing with our anger?Throughout the group, There was a lot anger expressed about treatment by medical professionals during treatments. I didn’t have much to add to that area. I’ve been lucky (apparently), not to have the same experiences. I talked about THIS (see below) a little in the group, but it keeps bubbling up in my thoughts since:

Let’s back up, first though… to put things in context.in fall 2014, just before my diagnosis, Steven & I seemed to had hit a wonderful stride in our marriage.  When we were both working, we would send each other the kind of texts that you would expect from honeymooners….NO! Not THAT kind of texts…Get your minds out of the gutter! More like, “I love you!’ <emoticons of sparkly hearts and kissy faces>  Or a standard exchange between each other, “I love you!” “I love you, too!” “No, I mean I REALLY love you” If you’ve been reading my blog for a long time, you know already that my diagnosis happened in the middle of the 2014 harvest season. 

What I’ve never wrote before though, was that this harvest was different for me than harvests before - from the beginning. Not much differently for Steven as far as what he had to do in the beginning: he was driving back and forth from San Jose to Livermore for so many years to make "Magic happen" (turning those grapes into delicious wines) while we lived and I worked in San Jose. All the kids were old enough at that point – and done with school (except college), so I made a decision that I was going to make the effort to do anything I could do to make this harvest season  less difficult for Steven, while I could learn more about how it works. We had  the gift of potential time together if we were  , I was committed to make it happen.

I brought an inflatable mattress for his Livermore office…pillows and blankies…(One amart alek wanted to know where his teddy bear was...)so he could sneak in a nap at times and didn’t have to drive home every night and he could roll out of bed around  - by 5 a.m. and be the first one in the production area, greeting new bins of  freshly picked fruit as they were rolling in from the vineyards. 

He was in his element. What a joy to watch him when I could see him in those moments!  

A few times, I drove up to Livermore in the middle of the week. (after my work day ended) to share dinner together and, I’d get up the same time as Steven and battle of traffic towards the South Bay to get home and get to work on time myself. Sounds crazy, I know, but it was worth it. And it seemed only fair after so many harvest seasons when Steven was carrying the burden of commuting.

I refer to this time as a “sweet spot” in our marriage. And…. Yes. I have been angry that that was abruptly interrupted by the shocking discovery of my health condition. 

Steven and I have talked about this during our ritual walks through the vineyard with the doggies. 

More than once, he’s pointed out how he is even more proud about our marriage as a result of how we’ve handled our situation. Smart man that I married, huh? He’s always been a Smartypants, but he impresses me more and more daily. How can I be angry about that? I’m so lucky now – and really, if I think about it, I have to recognize how lucky we have had that “sweet spot”. I have a feeling that not all married couples have that ever.I wish that for you all.

[Kiddies - if there reading this and engaged to be married, I hope you are thinking that this is what it looks like when you say, "in sickness and health..." You better mean it.]

  

And don’t get me wrong. This hasn't all gone away.We still have aspects of that time that this  - mother fucking brain cancer HASN’T robbed it all from us. It's can be still so sweet.We still send each other those “sweet nothings texts” and more than ever, I TRY to express to my best friend, love of my life, how lucky I feel to have him in my life – how proud to call him my husband. 

KIddies some more truth here: It’s hard having to rely on his support morethan I can it seems that in anyway I can reciprocate, but I HOPE I can some day in our future that we’ll have another ‘Sweet Spot Harvest” on our horizon. One beautiful thing is: that I will recognize it because I already know what it looks and feels like. And I’ll treasure it, too, like what I do  right now.                    

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*I'm pretty sure that I'm breaking any rules with support groups by just bring up a topic ewithout any names or such?  #freepass #newbiepass

The One in Which I Tell You How Beautiful You Are

If you have been following my blog, you know that Steven and I went on a river cruise down the Seine in the beginning of April. I've left out a little detail that I've been wanting to write about, and now seems like the time.

I met a woman about my age the first day of the cruise - traveling alone and just gotten off another 14 day cruise! Her name was "Candy", and she had a little, spikey pixie cut in platinum blond. She socialized with the other passengers, but seemed very comfortable to be sitting alone, too. In fact, she often sat in the lounge area, alone, listening to the musical entertainment and...knitting. But knitting with a yarn/material that I'd never seen before. It was more like trim in a lovely wine colored string with metallic edging.

Wear Gray for May - Brain Cancer Awareness Month, Day 11 - American Brain Tumor Association

I remember I told you that I didn't bring a wig at all for this cruise - wanted to be bald and proud! - but I was cold most of the time, so I often had a hat on, even inside. <----probably one of the most annoying day-to-day side effects of cancer and/or my meds...It doesn't help that I have hardly any hair on my head!) I don't know if Candy thought I was embarrassed by my baldness, but one of the first days she came up to me, held my hands in hers, looked me in the eyes with the most intense, earnest look and declared, "You are beautiful. Don't ever forget you are beautiful."  I stammered, "Thank you." of course, but I was caught off guard. I think she may have thought my brain cancer had really affected my speech. We hugged, and she was off again to be her unique Candy self. Where ever you are Candy, you rock!

Candy and I sat together in the lounge sometimes during the cruise- especially when Steven was doing his wine presentations. (She really like the wine! lol!) I never asked her any probing questions. like why she was traveling alone or if she had experience with cancer...I figured if she wanted me to know, she would volunteer the information. I wonder still today about her adorable pixie hair cut - Was that a decision that came after a battle with cancer like me?

The day before the cruise was ending, she came up on me unexpectedly again. She had her knitting in her hands - only she has transformed it into this:

I am wearing it in the picture above - with NO HAT, Candy! - but the lighting is better here.

She said, "This is for you. Only on one condition: you never wear a hat with it. I want it to remind you of how beautiful you are." Once again, I was speechless, but with tears in my eyes this time. I was overwhelmed by her thoughtful and kind gesture. I knew how many hours she had spent working on this scarf, and I was honored that she would give it to me. Yes, it was a beautiful scarf, but the real beauty was right there in front of me: Candy. A kind, selfless act from a practical stranger.

I've heard from other cancer warriors what this is one of the positive things about their affliction: that they discover how many beautiful people there are out there - (That's got to be one of the best parts of having brain cancer <---Can you imagine starting a sentence like that? 7 months ago,  I sure couldn't) - so many kind, selfless acts over the months since I've been diagnosed, I can't even begin to name them. I told Steven I wanted to send thank you notes to everyone that have lifted us up during this challenging time, but I was so out-of-it in the beginning, how do I go back that far and begin? I know I would forget some people and feel badly. He said I was ridiculous, and that nobody could expect us to do that.

But I want some way to convey the gratitude for every beautiful person out there (Kiddies, that means all of you!) , whether you sent me a card or an email or a squirrel or bracelet...or dropped by dinner in the early weeks (you have no idea how much that helped our family!). The donations to our Family Medical Fund and more recently the donations to our American Cancer Society, Relay for Life Team. Comments written on Facebook and here...and all the pictures of people Wearing Gray for May to increase awareness of Brain Tumors. Steven and I attended the Livermore Valley Wine Auction this weekend, and so many people came up to me to hug me and offer their prayers...(Phew! It's a good thing you can't see the tears rolling down my cheeks right now...)

Dinner at Wente with Super Schmoopy AKA the Bald Hottie at the Livermore Wine Auction

Believe me: every little gesture of support means so much to me and my family. This disease has unexpectedly opened my eyes to how many beautiful people there are in the world. What a gift. So, thank you, Candy, and all the other beautiful people out there. I would send a handwritten card to each and every one of you, but I'm playing the #cancercard right now. #freepass This is my handwritten card just for you.

Love, June Xoxoxo #mfbcfnw

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P.S. The only thing more beautiful than you is my granddaughter, Autumn Elizabeth. #sorrynotsorry

Autumn with "Mimi", the stuffed animal "Grandpa Steven" picked out for her in a little toy store in Paris.

P.P.S. FYI: We are already booked to do another river cruise in 2016 down the Rhone. Click on this link - Ama Waterways <---- if you are interested in joining us! If you don't know where the Rhone is, Google that Shit. Whoops, I almost made it through a whole blog post without cursing!